Anne B. Walsh posted a comment on Saturday 15th March 2008 10:17pm

I'm just on fire, aren't I? Here's a couple more, both modified from jokes you'll probably recognize:

xXxXxXxXx

Crabbe Senior was looking around Knockturn Alley for something really good to take back to the Dark Lord. Maybe he'd get off with just one Cruciatus instead of two or three.

On a whim, he walked into Vermicula's Pet Shoppe. "Got anything new?" he asked.

"Just in today," said the withered old proprietor, waving at the perch on the counter. "The legendary jib-jib bird!"

Crabbe looked doubtfully at the stoop-shouldered, nearly-bald, huge-beaked bird. "What does it do?"

"What does it do? What does it do?" Vermicula cackled. "I'll show you what it does! Jib-jib bird, the cauldron!" And he pointed at a rusty cauldron sitting beside the counter.

The jib-jib bird leapt into the air and came down with its beak clattering. A noise like a thousand erumpents tap-dancing later, there was nothing left but a few metal shavings on the floor.

"Jib-jib bird, the broomstick!" Vermicula cried, pointing at the decrepit item hovering beside the empty cauldron stand. Again the bird attacked, with a noise like a million bowtruckles chewing, and sawdust flew everywhere until all that was left were a few bits of twig.

Crabbe was delighted. "I'll take it!"

xXxXx

Lord Voldemort looked doubtfully at the bird Crabbe had brought him. The legendary jib-jib bird, for sale in a pet shop in Knockturn Alley? Not to mention how particularly revolting this specimen looked.

He searched for a proper phrase with which to dismiss it, and finally found one from his Muggle childhood which seemed to fit.

"Jib-jib bird, my arse!"

xXxXxXxXx

Harry Potter fired a spell at Lord Voldemort. "God damn it!" he swore. "I missed!"

He fired again. "God damn it! I missed!"

"You had better watch yourself, Potter," Voldemort taunted. "Your God might strike you down where you stand..."

Suddenly, clouds gathered overhead. An ominous roll of thunder boomed out, and a lightning bolt split the sky.

Harry dove for cover as Voldemort evaporated.

From the sky, a huge voice rumbled, "Me damn it, I missed."

Crys replied:

Thanks.    Two scenes  added to the file.

Eric Oppen posted a comment on Friday 14th March 2008 11:46am

How about this?

Voldemort Apparated into the kitchen at 4 Privet Drive, and put Dudley Dursley under the <i>Crucio</i>, just for laughs.

Unfortunately, while Petunia Dursley was a Muggle, she did have enough residual magic to do something when she was under enough stress. Seeing her beloved Dinky Duddums being tortured was more than enough.

Voldemort barely had time to scream as every knife in the kitchen suddenly rose and flew at him, slicing him into tiny pieces.

Dudley looked at his mother in wonder. "Gee, Mum, I didn't know you saw that flick from the States. You know...Carrie ."

Crys replied:

Thanks.   Bunny added to the file.

Milarqui posted a comment on Friday 14th March 2008 8:39am

I still don't understand why you always say that Harry and Hermione might end or are together. Considering the facts that a) Harry only loves Hermione as a sister, b) Harry loves Ginny as a lover, c) Hermione loves Ron as a lover and d) Ron loves Hermione as a lover, then it is impossible for Hermione to be Harry's romantic interest.

I hope you re-write the chapter with Ginny instead of Hermione.

stealacandy posted a comment on Thursday 13th March 2008 5:14am

Here's 312:


"It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose."

"You dare? I am Lord-"

"IT PUTS THE LOTION ON THE SKIN OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE! PUT THE LOTION! PUT THE LOTION! PUT THE LOTION! PUT THE LOTION!" (uses hose.)

"Grple-"

"PUT THE LOTION!"



mo

JP posted a comment on Wednesday 12th March 2008 9:51pm

Sweet. Always good for a giggle. Many thanks. Liked the plaque at the end, and of course the Creevys are Huey Lewis fans, alongside some of the more flamboyant disco numbers in their collections.....

Evan Mayerle posted a comment on Wednesday 12th March 2008 11:31am

*snicker* I loved 301 and there's nothing to apologize for, I thoroughly enjoyed the '80s incarnation of MI with the disk as well as the original. Now, if someone happened to contact a classified group in the US government and they sent the operative code-named "Eric" (one Matthew Helm) to deal with Tom, things could get uncomfortable for Tom; appropriately enough, certain elements of international crime label Mr. Helm's employer as "Group W" for their ability to "waste" their targets, no matter what.

Just a thought for a future "death". Vrnon finds himself forced to take Harry along with when he takes Dudley to see his two favorite football (soccer to those of us in the US) teams play; said teams being Dud's favorites because they have the rowdiest fans. Tom and his merry band apparate into this and start taunting Harry. Harry loudly responds, to where all can hear him, stating that Tom had grossly insulted both teams. In the resulting riot, Tom and his merry men are completely wiped out.

vertru posted a comment on Wednesday 12th March 2008 10:41am

Ah what can I say, Crys. You have a few very weird fans... and colleagues. That Herman Tumbleweed guy is really out there... <smirk>

Vern

Crys replied:

Yes, I do have weird fans.   But what does that say about me?

On second thought, don't answer that.

*smirk*   Yeah, that Herman Tumbleweed guy . . .

Sam Vere posted a comment on Wednesday 12th March 2008 8:19am

I think I spotted where 278 came from: There was something very similar in a humorous book called "So you Want to be a Superhero" in the section benefiting the benefits of having a Billionaire Playboy as your alter-ego.

Pity I don't have my copy any more...

Killer07 posted a comment on Wednesday 12th March 2008 6:53am

In an old tomb Harry and Hermione find a strange looking robot. After activating it introduces itself as HK-47 and Harry is its new Master.

Greetings

Killer07 (A assassin droid build by Revan as he was a Sith Lord definitive a power he knows not :-) )
Question: Master can i now kill this pale meatbag?

Richard Peterson posted a comment on Wednesday 12th March 2008 4:57am

These are always entertaining and I can always use a good laugh. Thanks.

MercuryBlue posted a comment on Wednesday 5th March 2008 2:37pm

And we just spent several minutes laughing at all the new ones. She thinks the last one is good for three of Hercules's labors. Also: "You and all your readers are nuts. Of course, I read you. Never mind."

Crys replied:

Hey, I resemble that remark!

MercuryBlue posted a comment on Wednesday 5th March 2008 2:30pm

IMs from my esteemed and somewhat crazy roommate:

(2008-03-05 22:21:46) Anne: September headline in The Quibbler: "You-Know-Who Drowns in Vat of Butterbeer; Allegations of Trips to Loo Denied by Ministry Officials"

(2008-03-05 22:22:37) Anne: October headline in The Quibbler: "You-Know-Who Found Dead in Home of Apparently Self-Inflicted Killing Curse; Acquaintances Say He Was Trying to Clean His Wand at the Time"

(2008-03-05 22:23:50) Anne: November headline in The Quibbler: "You-Know-Who Suffocates When Head Becomes Trapped Between Cauldron and Cauldron Stand; Severus Snape Declines Comment"

(2008-03-05 22:25:13) Anne: December headline in The Quibbler: "You-Know-Who Spontaneously Combusts Upon Seeing the Fourth Death Eater in a Row Reading The Quibbler; See Page Four for Details on Reimbursement Fund for Editor"

Crys replied:

I thank the both of you.   This bunny added to the file in addition to several you sent me on the private group.

Evan Mayerle posted a comment on Sunday 2nd March 2008 2:10pm

*snicker* I love the latest editions. #293 is especially inspired as I'm "of an age" to remember mechanical calculators and to have sent one into "spasms" by trying to devide by zero. :D A delightful set of additions.

Killer07 posted a comment on Friday 29th February 2008 6:18am

Trying to steal a magical artifact from Dr. Steven Strange wasn't one of Voldy's most brilliants ideas. Earth's Sorcerer Supreme is a WAY above Voldy's power league.

Greetings

Killer07

Killer07 posted a comment on Friday 29th February 2008 6:10am

As Voldy is on the rooftop of a building in New York planning to steal a powerfull magical Artifact he suddenly gets interrupted by a strange muggle in a red and blue costume with a spider symbol on the costume. He thought this annoyance is easily handled but he thought wrong.

Greetings

Killer07

Crys replied:

Thanks.   Bunny added to the file.   Your 89th.

I used Venom instead, though.   Figured he'd be a bit more willing to kill.

Evan Mayerle posted a comment on Friday 22nd February 2008 5:40pm

Regarding Killer07's "MI" scenario, I like it (loved the show as a teenager) but wonder if it's going to be a tape, from the original show, or a CD, from the 80's re-do, that self-distructs. Note, if you use the tape, you could *really* play with folks minds, and memories, by using Dan Griggs, from MI's first tv season, rather than Jim Phelps.

Note to Killer07: I agree with your evaluation of Jim Phelps and your thoughts about the movies; IMHO Tom Cruise ruined the concept. I'd much rather see the 80's re-do used as a basis with Jim advising the new team leader or stepping in, again, when his protege was killed (see the first episode of the 80's redo).

Minerva Granger posted a comment on Wednesday 20th February 2008 4:49pm

very nice. I especially appreciated 285.

Evan Mayerle posted a comment on Tuesday 19th February 2008 10:46am

Hmm, 'bout the only thing I can think of that'd be more suicidal than hurting someone John McClane cared about would be hurting someone John Macklin "Mack" Bolan cared about - that tends to bring all sorts of hell down on you.

Just a thought, since Tom was resurrected using "... blood of an enemy ...", what if Harry no longer became his enemy? I could see this happening in a number of ways.

Gullwhacker2 posted a comment on Sunday 17th February 2008 9:41am

Idea, not a scene:

Vernon's plant held a 'take your kid to work' day. He would have brought Dudley, but he complained that it would be boring. Still, appearances had to be kept up, so he brought Harry - ordering the freak to behave OR ELSE.

Voldemort showed up to kill Harry. Vernon does not like magic. Or the freaks practicing it. And it had been a bad day already. So, he used some of the drilling equipment on the freak in the robes. Strangely enough, after he explained that it had been a terrorist - the dead security guards a testament to this - he was congratulated. Funny how the world works.

...hefty modifications needed, I think.

Crys replied:

Thanks.   Bunny added to the file.   Your 33rd.

Killer07 posted a comment on Monday 11th February 2008 6:09am

Damm forgot the last sentence in my last bunny.

This disk will self-destruct in 5 seconds.