By Crys
Reviews
warpwizard posted a comment on Friday 27th April 2007 1:59am
I want to die just like Voldemort in number 156. He's more fragile than he seems, isn't he? :)
Evan Mayerle posted a comment on Thursday 26th April 2007 7:44am
I just saw Eric Oppen's suggestion, it's from Lovecraft, the genre would be Horror/Fantasy.
Just an odd thought, if Harry had taken some muggle psychopharmaceuticals, or eqivalent potions, to improve his performance during the third task, what effect might this have had on his performance in the graveyard and/or Voldemort's resurrection attempt (I'm thinking those items in his blood would have an effect). Or, as an alternative, someone slipped some to degrade and/or ruin his performance.
Crys replied:
Thanks. Scene added to the chapter.
Evan Mayerle posted a comment on Thursday 26th April 2007 7:36am
*snicker* Good ones, both, but that second one has, IMHO, some serious potential as the basis of a story.
Just a thought, Voldemort disembodied, in limbo, etc. and needing to reach a live wizard for help and getting stuck in the cosmic equivalent of voice mail.
Crys replied:
Thanks. Scene added to the chapter.
Killer07 posted a comment on Thursday 26th April 2007 1:55am
Hmm maybe have Voldy visit the House that makes everyone mad from the 12 tasks of Asterix :-) He needed some legal documents to open Slytherins vault and they where only there to get (or not *EG*)
Greetings
Killer07
Tildessmoo posted a comment on Wednesday 25th April 2007 8:28pm
And, finally, #5, we learn that tar is far from the worst thing in cigarettes.
Voldemort looked around the tenement in disgust. Well, his sources had told him that Mundungus Fletcher would be the easiest of the Order of the Phoenix to bribe. Now he knew why. He absently picked up an ashtray that appeared to have been used both to fulfill its original purpose and to catch drips from the hole in the roof directly above where it had been sitting. He put it back down again immediately when he realilzed it was covered in a sort of yellowish sludge. He sat down to wait for the aptly-named Dung to return.
Although he was incredibly surprised to find He Who Must Not Be Named lying dead on the floor of his flat among the wreckage of various bits he'd knocked into during his convulsions, Mundungus was quick to take advantage. He soon made himself quite wealthy off of his reputation as the man who killed Voldemort, and Harry Potter also gave him a healthy reward for allowing him to retire into obscurity as The Boy Who Didn't Kill Voldemort.
I also had one about Voldemort drowning looking for a glass onion in the middle of the Atlantic, but my scene seemed too obscure. Maybe it'll make a decent bunny, though.
Crys replied:
Thanks. Scene added to the chapter.
. . . "glass onion"?
Tildessmoo posted a comment on Wednesday 25th April 2007 8:26pm
#4, We cross into the void of anime
Voldemort faced his opponent across a grassy field. He had stumbled upon this odd place completely by accident, but he knew immediately that dominating the locals would be his ticket to the fast track to world domination, and he had begun to think that such domination would not be very hard, considering how many new followers with odd powers he had found himself with when he convinced that snake that made a basilisk look like a garter snake to eat the man who had summoned it. Unfortunately, he had found himself unable to kill or control the most powerful beings he had yet met in this odd land. This red-eyed man would be the first of the group to die.
He pointed his wand and said, "Legilimens!" just as the other quietly said, "Tsukiyomi."
(alternate ending)
He pointed his wand and threw a wall of flame at his opponent, just as the other man twisted his hands oddly and said, "Amaterasu."
Crys replied:
Sorry, don't read (or watch) any anime.
Tildessmoo posted a comment on Wednesday 25th April 2007 8:24pm
#3; don't blame John Cleese for this one
Harry: (walks into WWW with a still Voldemort in a giant birdcage and steps up to the counter) 'Ello. I wish to register a complaint.
(Fred continues puttering away with his things)
Harry: 'Ello, Miss?
Fred: (turns around, annoyed) What do you mean "miss?"
Harry: I'm sorry, I have a cold.
(Fred nods)
Harry: I wish to make a complaint!
Fred: Sorry, we're closin' for lunch!
Harry: Never mind that, my good man. I wish to complain about this dark lord, what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Fred: Ah, yes, the, ah, the London Scaled... What's, ah... What's wrong with it?
Harry: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
Fred: No, no, 'e's, ah... He's resting.
Harry: Look, matey, I know a dead dark lord when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Fred: No, no, he's not dead, he's restin!
Harry: Restin'?
Fred: Yeah, restin. Remarkable dark lord, the London Scaled, isn't it, eh? Superb at plottin'!
Harry: The plottin' don't enter into it. It's stone dead!
Fred: Nononono! E's resting!
Harry: All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up! 'Ello, Voldie! Mister Moldy Voldie! I've got a lovely muggle for you to molest if you wake up, Mister Moldy Voldie!
Fred: (waves his wand, causing the cage to jerk) There, he moved!
Harry: No he did not, that was you moving the cage!
Fred: I never!
Harry: Yes, you did!
Fred: I never, never-
Harry: 'ELLO VOLLDEMOOOOOOOOORT! VOLLDIIE! MOLDY VOLDY! WAKE UP! (levitates Voldemort out of the cage and slams him against the counter a few times) TESTIING! TESTIING! THIS IS YOUR NINE-O' CLOCK ALARM CALL! (slams him against the counter hard enough to crack it) VOOOOOLDEMOOORT!! (levitates it to the vicinity of the ceiling, drops the spell, and watches him fall) Now that's what I call a dead dark lord.
Fred: No, no! He's stunned!
Harry: Stunned?
Fred: Yeah, you stunned him just as he was wakin' up! London Scaleds stun easy, major.
Harry: Look, my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That dark lord is definitely deceased, and when I bought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long torturing.
Fred: Well, he's... He's probably pining for Hogwarts.
Harry: PINING for HOGWARTS? Whwat kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Fred: The London Scaled prefers kippin' on its back! Remarkable dark lord, isn't it, guv'nor? Lovely plotting!
Harry: Look, I took the liberty of examining that dark lord when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been standing in the first place was that it had been SPELLED there.
Fred: Well, of course it was spelled there! If I hadn't petrified and stuck it to the floor, it would've apparated out, snuck up behind ya, and ZAP!
Harry: "ZAP?" (holds up one of Voldemort's hands, lifting the body slightly off the floor) Look, matey, this dark lord wouldn't "zap" if you struck it with lightning! (drops the hand, and the lord and his hand land with a dull thud)It's bleedin' demised!
Fred: It's not! It's pining!
Harry: It's not pining, it's passed on! This dark lord is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! This is a late dark lord! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't enchanted him to stand in the cage, he'd be pushing up the daisies! Its magical processes are of interest only to Professor Binns (and maybe Hermione)! It's hopped the twig! It's shuffled off this mortal coil! It's run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible! This is an EX-DARK LORD!
(pause)
Fred: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (disappears into the back)
Harry: If you want to have a decent arch-nemesis, you've got to complain till you're blue in the mouth.
Fred: (returning) Sorry, guv, we're fresh out of dark lords.
Harry: I see, I see, I get the picture.
Fred: I've got a lawyer.
Harry: Does it kill, maim, and torture people both mentally and physically?
Fred: Not really, no.
Harry: WELL, IT'S SCARCELY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, THEN, IS IT?
Fred: Listen, I'll tell you what. If you go to our other shop in Hogsmeade, George'll replace your dark lord for you.
Harry: Hogsmeade, eh?
Fred: Yeah.
Harry: All right.
A WWW IN HOGSMEADE, SCOTLAND
(As Harry enters, George is turned away from the door, putting on a false mustache. Harry looks around, finding this WWW to be very similar to the one in Diagon Alley, down to the dead Voldemort in a cage.)
Harry: Uh, excuse me, this is Hogsmeade, is it?
George: No, it's Edinburgh.
Harry: That's the Hogwarts Express for you.
(Heads back to the station, to the complaints desk, manned by Narcissa Malfoy)
Harry: I wish to make a complaint.
Narcissa: I don't have to do this, you know!
Harry: I beg your pardon?
Narcissa: I'm a qualified precision healer! Plus my husband is filthy rich! I only do this 'cause I like being my own boss!
Harry: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
Narcissa: Yeah, yeah.
Harry: Well, I wish to complain! I got on the Hogsmeade train and found myself deposited here in Edinburgh!
Narcissa: No, this is Hogsmeade.
Harry: George Weasley was lying!
Narcissa: Well, it is an amusing prank, right up the twins' alley. But you can't blame Hogwarts Express for that.
Hary: If this is Hogsmeade, I shall return to Weasley's Wizard Wheezes!
(Back in WWW:H)
Harry: I understand that this <i>is</i> Hogsmeade.
George: (still with fake mustache) Yeah?
Harry: But you told me it was Edinburgh!
George: It was a pun.
Harry: A pun?
Gorge: No, no, not a pun... What's the other thing where it reads the same backwards as forwards?
Harry: What do I look like? Hermione?
George: No, but if you don't know we can't finish the sketch.
Harry: Fine, a palindrome.
George: Yeah, that's it!
Harry: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Hogsmeade" would be "Edaemsgoh!" It doesn't work!
George: Well, what do you want?
Harry: No, I'm sorry! I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!
George: Silly, Harry?
Harry: And take off that moustache!
George: (taking off moustache) Silly, Harry?
Harry: Yes, silly! I've come in here with a perfectly legitimate complaint, and you have done everything in your power to turn my afternoon into a comedy of errors!
George: In my defense, comedy is what we do.
Harry: (as if George had not spoken) This, therefore, is silly!
George: Yeah. Silly. (looks ashamed)
Harry: Well.
(long pause)
George: D'you... D'you want to come back to our place?
(pause)
Harry: Yeah, all right.
(The Pet Shop Sketch (more commonly known as The Dead Parrot Sketch) (c) the amusing men of Monty Python)
Tildessmoo posted a comment on Wednesday 25th April 2007 8:23pm
Death by Tildessmoo 2
Voldemort ran. He ran through streets, under bridges, through the countryside, past farms and cottages and fields. He ran for hours, ignoring the stitch in his side, ignoring the sweat that beaded on his scaly brow. He ran until he could run no more... because he ran out of ground. His last thought, a moment before he impacted face-first with the beach a hundred feet below the cliff he had just run off of was, //Wait a tick! Why am I running from a hoarde of topless women in bikini bottoms? And why are they wearing matching bicycle helmets?//
(topless girls in bicycle helmets (c) Monty Python)
Crys replied:
Thanks. Scene added to the chapter.
Tildessmoo posted a comment on Wednesday 25th April 2007 8:22pm
Hilarious as usual. Unfortunately, there are some side effects from reading the latest thirty entries at four in the morning:
First, a bunny: How about something like 143, but use the real richest man in the world? I'm sure he's evil enough that just the sight of him could kill Voldemort.
Next... Well, I'll do each of these separately...
When the bombing began, many children were sent to live with friends and relatives in the country, away from the dangerous targets that were cities. Although this practice was most common among the wealthy, many upper-middle class, and even some fairly poor children were spared in this manner. Unfortunately, while families were capable of picking up and moving, orphanages, by and large, were not.
//Two more years!// Tom Riddle thought, as he lay in the wreckage of the orphanage, his spine broken by falling beams, his paralyzed body directly in the path of the approaching flames. //Just two more years and I'd have been a legal adult, and I'd be out of here!//
Crys replied:
Do I want to know what the side-effects are to reading my work at four in the morning?
That bombing bunny added to the chapter.
Killer07 posted a comment on Wednesday 25th April 2007 5:10pm
Harry and Hermione found an old ritual to call for help in a fight. They do the ritual and the reinforcements send are 2 people. Those two are known as Asterix and Obelix... (I hope Voldy paid the medical insurance of himself and his followers)
Greetings
Killer07
Crys replied:
Sorry, don't recognize the reference.
morriganscrow posted a comment on Wednesday 25th April 2007 2:47pm
Snerk!
I do like this series!
Nick5 posted a comment on Wednesday 25th April 2007 2:08pm
Heh, cute, especially with the possibly Hermione-like death...
karen posted a comment on Wednesday 25th April 2007 11:50am
What happened to 153 to 200?
Crys replied:
I'll add more to the existing chapter as ideas are sent in. I did the previous chapters the same way.
LoneWolf posted a comment on Wednesday 25th April 2007 10:45am
I have one:
"Hey, Aunt Caitlin," Harry asked as Airwolf lifted off from Privet Drive. "This thing is armed, right?"
"With enough firepower to destroy a small city," Caitlin confirmed.
"Any chance we can swing by Little Hangleton before we head hopme?" Harry asked. "May as well take care of some unfinished business."
"String?" Caitlin asked.
"Micheal is going to kill us," Stringfellow Hawke muttered, before ordering, "Turbos."
One hour later, the old Riddle mansion was a burning pile of debris, courtesy of a Hellfire from Airwolf. There were no survivors to be found.
If you like it, feel free to use it.
Crys replied:
Thanks. Scene added to the chapter.
slickrcbd posted a comment on Wednesday 25th April 2007 9:08am
Isn't this more like One Hundread and Fifty-One to One Hundread and Fifty-Two?
Nice ones though!
Crys replied:
I'll add more to the existing chapter as ideas are sent in. I did the previous chapters the same way.
BloodTalons posted a comment on Wednesday 25th April 2007 8:09am
Huh? Where is 153 to 200?
Crys replied:
I'll add more to the existing chapter as ideas are sent in. I did the previous chapters the same way.
NyxSerpent posted a comment on Wednesday 25th April 2007 8:05am
Er...do you realize that there is only 151 and 152 in the chapter? At least, that's all I can see.
Love this whole thing. Makes me laugh no matter how bad my day has been.
Crys replied:
I'll add more to the existing chapter as ideas are sent in. I did the previous chapters the same way.
Vincent posted a comment on Wednesday 25th April 2007 8:04am
Hilarious as usual.
Here a idea for you:
Voldemort escapes to another reality because his armies are defeated (or something like that) and he ends up on Arrakis A.K.A Dune where he is about to be eaten by a sand worm
Crys replied:
Thanks. Scene added to the chapter.
Rebel Goddess posted a comment on Wednesday 25th April 2007 7:08am
They were both very funny. I preferred the devil one but they were both great. More please.
Vincent posted a comment on Friday 27th April 2007 2:17am
Crys replied: