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Author Notes:

Yep, still adding as ideas are sent in.   Thanks to all who have (and still continue) to contribute ideas.   This chapter especially is due to two reviewers' submissions: Regina Noctis and misterq.

15 Oct

351.   Scene by Regina Noctis.   Reproduced with minor modifications.

Tom Riddle was spooned up with one Myrtle Thompson in a very small broom closet. Not that it was uncomfortable or anything. No, indeed. Myrtle may look like a geek from the outside, but once you got underneath… well, it was more than most wizards could ask for.

Tom shifted to one side and moaned with pleasure as Myrtle's hand caressed certain parts of his anatomy. "Oh, Myrtle," he sighed.

Unfortunately, he had accidentally sighed in Parseltongue.

[Did you call for me, master?] came a voice through the wall. Tom stiffened, but Myrtle (the human one) made no sign of having heard the disembodied voice.

Suddenly, the back wall of the broom closet shifted, revealing an open pipe. There was a rustling sound, and Tom turned his head with much trepidation.

He found himself staring into two golden, gigantic eyes.

His last thought on this earth was: How in the world was he to know that Salazar Slytherin would be batty enough to name his pet basilisk Myrtle?

* * *

After a two day long search, Transfiguration Professor Dumbledore found the missing Head Boy and Ravenclaw prefect, both naked and stone-dead, in the third-floor broom closet. Their deaths would be written off as stemming from asphyxiation during a particularly long snog.

352. Scene by Regina Noctis.   Inspired by "Monty Python and the Holy Grail".   Reproduced without modification.

Intent on finding the key to immortality, Voldemort began a quest to find the Holy Grail of Arthurian legend. Having hired a hermit (who seemed to know where he was going) to be his guide, the Dark Lord set out on his journey.

The hermit led Voldemort to a dark cave in the midst of the Scottish moors. "But beware," the hermit said with fearful glance about. "There lurks a terrible, fearsome creature in the darkness—this monster has killed many dozens of men before you. Look, there it be now!"

Sitting in the entrance to the cave, calmly munching on clover, was a small, white rabbit.

"Ha! You old Muggle fool!" Voldemort scoffed. "That little rabbit is no match for a Dark Lord such as I! I shall destroy it now, even as I speak!" Having spoken thus, Voldemort stepped forward with wand raised…

Whereupon he was promptly torn apart to shreds by the killer rabbit.

"I told him!" ranted the hermit from the safety of a nearby hillock. "But did he listen? No, just like everyone else—'oh, how dangerous is a little, fluffy, bunny rabbit?' Uh-uh, nope, they never listen until it's too late…"

353. Scene by Regina Noctis.   Reproduced with minor modifications.

Voldemort and Harry Potter squared off in the midst of an empty Scottish moor, glaring daggers at each other as they paced like hungry lions through the light fog.

"Hey, Tom!" Harry called in a mocking tone. "Guess what? I've figured out what 'the power you know not' is!"

Voldemort stopped in his tracks, perplexed. "Well? What is it, then?"

"It's the Force!" Whereupon Harry called his lightsaber to his hand, turned it on, and lunged at the Dark Lord within a split second. Voldemort didn't even have time to blink before he was cut in two.

As Harry stood over the charred remains of He-Who-Is-Now-Dead, a small green figure in brown robes popped into existence a few feet away. "Done well you have, my young Padawan," the creature croaked while floating five feet above the ground on a humming metal disc.

Harry turned and bowed in its direction. "All thanks to you, Master Yoda," he said respectfully. "The Dark Side has finally been vanquished."

Yoda nodded. "My greeting to my great-grandson Dobby, you must give. Much pride, both of you have brought me." Then, he vanished without a trace.

354. Scene by Regina Noctis.   Reproduced without modification.

Voldemort and Harry Potter squared off in the midst of an empty Scottish moor, glaring daggers at each other as they paced like hungry lions through the light fog.

"Hey, Tom!" Harry called in a mocking tone. "Guess what? I've figured out what 'the power you know not' is!"

Voldemort stopped in his tracks, perplexed. "Well? What is it, then?"

"It's gravity!" Whereupon Harry pointed his wand at the ground where Voldemort stood. "Finite Incantatem!"

Voldemort looked down, just in time to see the once-solid earth vanish from beneath his feet, before plummeting to the center of the earth with a high-pitched scream.

Harry leaned over the edge of the now-visible tunnel. "Hope you're wearing something light, Tom!" he called cheerfully. "I hear the temperature's something in the thousands down there! Oh, and the Weasley twins send their love—and they hope you like their newest product, the Thermophiliac Mole!"

355. Scene by Regina Noctis.   Reproduced with minor modifications.

Voldemort and Harry Potter squared off in the midst of an empty Scottish moor, glaring daggers at each other as they paced like hungry lions through the light fog.

"Hey, Tom!" Harry called in a mocking tone. "Guess what? I've figured out what 'the power you know not' is!"

Voldemort stopped in his tracks, perplexed. "Well? What is it, then?"

"It's singing!" Whereupon Harry threw back his head and let forth a high C—the highest note sung by most tenors.

Voldemort's head reverberated for a moment before cracking open in protest at the offending noise.

356. Scene by Regina Noctis.   Reproduced without modification.

"Sssso, Ssseverusss," Voldemort hissed. "Did you complete my tasssk?"

Snape knelt at the foot of Voldemort's chair and offered up a wand to his master. "Yes, my Lord," he replied, keeping his eyes on the floor. If he looked up, he knew he'd lose his composure, and then he'd really be dead. "I acquired a wand, just like you requested. With it, you should be able to defeat Potter as easily as if it was your old wand."

"Exxxcellent!" Voldemort cried. "We ssstrike Hogwartsss tomorrow!"

* * *

The next day, as Voldemort and Harry Potter met in the Hogwarts courtyard with their respective armies behind them, Voldemort cackled evilly and raised his new wand. "Victory isss mine, you insssufferable brat!" he crowed. "Avada Kedavra!"

To his utter surprise, his wand did nothing more than squawk and turn into a rubber chicken.

As he stared at the chicken in his hand, Voldemort saw a white light, a green light, and then blackness. He was in such shock that he never even heard Harry cast the Killing Curse—with Harry's own functional wand.

In the mass of cheering Order members, Fred Weasley turned to his twin brother. "I say, George, that was the best prank we've ever played!"

"Yeah, against You-Know-Who himself! Man, I just want a copy of that picture Colin took—did you see the look on old Lizard's face?"

"You know what this means, brother mine?"


"We'll use the picture in our next ad campaign! 'Weasley's' Wizarding Wheezes: You can even use then to prank the next Dark Lord!'"

357. Scene by Regina Noctis.   Reproduced without modification.

Voldemort Apparated to the given coordinates (somewhere in California) with a small pop of displaced air. He scanned his surroundings—a small Muggle café overlooking a sandy beach. His eyes narrowed as he spotted his prey. There was Potter, sitting on the terrace and dining with an obviously Muggle blonde girl. Voldemort sneered at the sight of Potter's unprotected back and raised his wand. "Avada Kedavra!"

But the girl had pushed Potter to the floor before the spell had even crossed half the distance of the room. Voldemort blinked; and in the amount of time it took him to blink, she had come over and grabbed his throat in a vise-like grip.

"No one messes with my boyfriend and lives to tell the tale!" Buffy Summers hissed into Voldemort's ear before attacking him with her weapon of choice.

Now, Voldemort may not be a vampire, but a wooden stake through the heart does wonders to anyone's constitution.

358. Scene by Regina Noctis.   Reproduced without modification.

"Master," Wormtail whined from his groveling position at the foot of Voldemort's throne.

"What is it, Wormtail?" Voldemort replied in a bored voice, twiddling with his wand.

"Lucius and I have discovered a magical mountain in Greece—if a person throws himself off from the highest cliff while shouting what they most wish to be, their wish will be granted."

Voldemort sat up straighter in his seat. "Take me there immediately!"

* * *

Lucius, Wormtail, and Voldemort stood near the edge of the highest cliff of Mount Olympus. "Lucius, you and Wormtail shall jump off first," Voldemort instructed.

Lucius nodded, then leaped off the cliff with a shout of, "Eagle!" Moments later, a bald eagle soared past the two remaining wizards and off into the blue unknown.

Wormtail fearfully inched to the edge before throwing himself off. "Raven!" he cried, which turned into a loud caw as he transformed into the glossy black bird.

Voldemort now paced on the cliff, trying to decide what to turn into. A basilisk would be a wonderful creature to kill Potter with, but it would never survive the trip down. Should he be a dragon, or a hippogriff, or a griffin, or—

Suddenly, he tripped over a small pebble near the edge and was sent flying over the cliff. As he plummeted to the ground with mind-boggling speed, Voldemort shouted out the first thing that came to his mind.

"Oh, shit!"

359. Scene by Regina Noctis.   Reproduced without modification.

"Hey, Tom!" Harry Potter called as he and Lord Voldemort dueled for the final time. "I've got one very good reason why you shouldn't kill me."

Voldemort paused in his spell-casting. "Oh? And why is that, pray?"

"Because I'm your only son!"

At Harry's words, both Death Eaters and Order members stopped mid-fight and turned around to stare at the Boy Who Had Obviously Lost It.

"Yeah," Harry continued blithely, completely oblivious to the deafening silence around him. "I took my blood to a Muggle lab the other day, and the results said that I'm definitely not James and Lily Potter's son. I think they must've adopted me, and James probably put me under a permanent glamour to make me look exactly like him."

"But I—I never—it can't possibly—" Voldemort couldn't even string a full sentence together, he was that shocked.

"Oh, don't worry, I did the magical tests to see who were my real parents," Harry interrupted Voldemort's stammering with a grin. "My blood father is Tom Marvolo Riddle, and my blood mother is Bellatrix Lestrange née Black."

Both Voldemort and Bellatrix made the same mistake of turning their backs on their opponents in favor of staring at each other.

Seconds later, both collapsed on the ground, dead.

Harry tutted as he put away his wand. "So naïve, so gullible," he murmured. "And to think that you wanted to take over the world…"

360. Scene by Regina Noctis.   Reproduced without modification.

"So, what you're saying is that a post-owl can track down any human being, as long as they're alive?" Harry asked for the third time.

Hermione nodded. "Exactly. And while Voldemort's humanity is under question, I'd say he's most certainly alive and kicking."

Harry grinned. "Right." He turned to the snowy owl perched in the shadows. "Hedwig, I want you to gather as many owls as you can… then, find Tom Marvolo Riddle and go peck him to death."

361. Scene by Regina Noctis.   Reproduced without modification.

As Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort battled with flying curses—to no avail—Harry made one last, futile attempt to vanquish his opponent.

He pointed to the sky above Voldemort's head and yelled, "What the HELL is THAT?!"

Voldemort jumped and looked up. Harry used his enemy's momentary distraction to cast a final Killing Curse.

"Harry James Potter!" Hermione shouted from behind. "That was NOT at all Gryffindor of you, and you know it!"

Harry just shrugged. "Hey, it worked, didn't it?" He buffed his nails on his robe. "Besides, if Tom was dumb enough to fall for the oldest trick in the book, who am I to pass up the opportunity?"

362. Scene by Regina Noctis.   Reproduced with minor modifications.

Voldemort sat in one of the many dilapidated rooms of the Riddle House, moodily staring into the fireplace and cursing the Potter brat for having the nerve to continue his miserable and pesky existence. A soft sound from behind him made the Dark Lord spin around with his wand drawn, only to find that his wand wasn't really necessary.

He was facing a ghost. A rather pretty ghost, admittedly, but one that he had hoped never to see again.

"Hello, Mr. Riddle," the spectre of Lily Potter whispered with a voice of rustling leaves. "I'm here to extract my long-awaited revenge."

"R-revenge?" Voldemort mentally cursed his voice for coming out so squeakily.

"Yes, revenge. Revenge for me, for my husband, but most of all, for my son." Lily grinned ferally. "Did you know, Mr. Riddle, that the easiest way to make a woman fight is by attacking her child?"

The ghost waved her hand, and Voldemort staggered as he felt the anti-Apparition wards surrounding his headquarters come crashing down. The air was filled with the pops of Apparition for the next minute, and Voldemort gaped at the army of furious women and ghosts surrounding him. Every one of them was armed.

"Oh, and I've taken the liberty of inviting here the mothers of all those you've managed to hurt," Lily said sweetly. Then, her voice turned harsh. "Let's sic him, girls!"

With over four dozen curses hurtling straight for him—plus one flying meat cleaver, courtesy of  Molly Weasley—Voldemort never stood a chance.

363. Scene by Regina Noctis.   Reproduced without modification.

"We have you now, Potter," gloated Voldemort as he and his minions circled the boy like a pack of vultures. "Come, any last wishes before you die?"

"Erm…" Potter thought for a moment. "Yes. I'd like to play a round of 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' with you."

The Death Eaters started guffawing; but Voldemort waved them silent, a strange gleam in his eyes. "Very well. Let us begin…"

The two wizards struck a closed fist on their open palm twice before revealing their choice. Harry still had a closed fist, while Voldemort had two fingers sticking out.

The Death Eaters stared. Their master had just lost a simple, Muggle child's game to Potter?

Voldemort licked his lips, looking slightly panicked. "Best two out of three?" he offered, and Potter nodded.

One round later, Voldemort had beaten Potter with paper versus rock, bringing the score to a tie. The Death Eaters leaned forward, their breaths held in excitement to watch the tiebreaker.

And then as Potter and Voldemort prepared to reveal their final selections…

"Scissors take all!" Potter shouted before stabbing Voldemort in the eyes with two fingers.

* * *

"Tell me again how you knew this was going to work?" Harry asked Hermione at the victory party.

"Well, I figured that his eyes would be the most sensitive part of his body, what with him being almost a snake homunculus and all that. It's his Achilles' heel, if you will. As for the method of distraction… um, I found it in Hogwarts, A History."


"Yes. There's this chapter on extracurricular activities and competitions—and they had a section about a Head Boy in the 1940s who tried to start an intramural 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' tournament…"

364. Scene by Regina Noctis.   Reproduced with minor modifications.

Voldemort and Harry Potter dueled fiercely on the grounds of Hogwarts while surrounded by an audience of hundreds of students, staff, and Death Eaters. The two wizards had been at it for nearly an hour, and it didn't look like it would be ending any time soon.

Until, that is, Harry cast the final, decisive spell, "Obliviate Totalus!"  

Voldemort dropped his wand, looking very dazed and confused. "Who are you?" he asked Harry. "Where am I? No, wait—who am I?"

"Bloody good question," Harry told the sky above him. "And if only somebody had thought of this earlier, we'd never have had any of this trouble in the first place…"

365. Scene by Regina Noctis.   Reproduced with minor modifications.

Voldemort and Harry Potter dueled fiercely on the grounds of Hogwarts while surrounded by an audience of hundreds of students, staff, and Death Eaters. The two wizards had been at it for nearly an hour, and it didn't look like it would be ending any time soon.

Until, that is, Harry cast the final, decisive spell, "Wingardium Leviosa!"

Voldemort, cut off in mid-curse, rocketed upwards to the dark blue sky.

"Wow." Ron Weasley was the first to speak in the shocked silence that followed. "Great thinking, mate."

"Thanks. I figured if it worked on a troll when we were eleven, it should work on ol' Moldyshorts." Harry looked up. "Hopefully, he shouldn't stop flying until he gets into Earth's orbit—and even if he figures out how to breathe up there, he'd have an interesting time getting back down."

* * *

Some hours later, an American scientist cast a cursory glance out of one of the dock windows on the International Space Station, did a lightning-fast double take, and screamed. "Holy Mother of God! Patterson, radio Houston NOW!!"

Her partner didn't even look up from the computer he was bent over. "What about?"

"Aliens are real, they're humanoid, and there's one outside the window right now who wants to come in!"

366. Scene by Regina Noctis.   Reproduced without modification.

Voldemort and Harry Potter dueled fiercely on the grounds of Hogwarts while surrounded by an audience of hundreds of students, staff, and Death Eaters. The two wizards had been at it for nearly an hour, and it didn't look like it would be ending any time soon.

Until, that is, Harry cast the final, decisive spell, "Sternue!"

The orange spell struck Voldemort in the nose, whereupon he sneezed.

And sneezed. And sneezed. And couldn't seem to stop sneezing for the life of him.

Finally, on the most powerful sneeze of all, a little gray blob flew out of Voldemort's nose. He then fell to the ground, silent for the rest of eternity.

Harry knelt down to examine the gray blob before standing and facing the silent crowd. "Voldemort has set two new records today," he announced, his lips twitching. "He's the first person to die by sneezing his brain through his nose. He also was the owner of the smallest human brain in the world. Honestly, I don't know how such a big ego could fit into that small of gray matter."

367. Scene by Regina Noctis.   Reproduced without modification.

Voldemort and Harry Potter dueled fiercely on the grounds of Hogwarts while surrounded by an audience of hundreds of students, staff, and Death Eaters. The two wizards had been at it for nearly an hour, and it didn't look like it would be ending any time soon.

Until, that is, Harry cast the final, decisive spell, "Evanesco!"

And with that, Voldemort disappeared to that unknown place where all unwanted stains and messes go—doubtless, he would have fit right in.

Harry looked around at the disbelieving Order members and sighed. "Please don't tell me that nobody else thought of this," he said to no one in particular.

368. Scene by Regina Noctis.   Reproduced without modification.

Voldemort and Harry Potter dueled fiercely on the grounds of Hogwarts while surrounded by an audience of hundreds of students, staff, and Death Eaters. The two wizards had been at it for nearly an hour, and it didn't look like it would be ending any time soon.

Until, that is, Harry cast the final, decisive spell,   "Removeo Osses!"

The yellow light seemed to absorb into Voldemort's body, spreading outwards from the contact point until the Dark Lord positively glowed golden.

And then, slowly, Voldemort sank down into the ground until he was nothing more than a puddle of flesh and skin. Harry had removed all of Voldemort's bones by means of the aptly-named Bone Remover Jinx.

"We always knew you didn't have any backbone," Harry commented to the Voldemort-puddle cheerfully. "I just decided to make that true about the rest of you."

369. Scene by Regina Noctis.   Reproduced without modification.

Voldemort and Harry Potter dueled fiercely on the grounds of Hogwarts while surrounded by an audience of hundreds of students, staff, and Death Eaters. The two wizards had been at it for nearly an hour, and it didn't look like it would be ending any time soon.

Until, that is, Harry cast the final, decisive spell,   "Aeterna Legens!"

Moments later, Voldemort was glancing around, looking very lost and frightened indeed. Harry just smirked and raised his wand again, this time aiming towards the castle.

"Accio book!" There was a few seconds' wait before Hogwarts, A History came hurtling through the air. Voldemort's expression changed to one of delight as the book landed in his outstretched hands, and he promptly sat down and began to read.

"The Eternal Reading Curse," announced Harry to the stunned audience. "Voldemort now has no choice but to read for the rest of his life. There is no known counter curse."

"But what if he can't read anymore?" Neville Longbottom asked from the front row of the crowd. "Like, if he goes blind, or he can't get any more books?"

"Then, he'd die." Harry smirked. "And wouldn't that just be a bloody shame."

370. Scene by Regina Noctis.   Reproduced without modification.

"Thank you so much for agreeing to speak with me, Mr. You-Know-Who," simpered Rita Skeeter. "I've been looking forward to interviewing you—you, the charismatic, mysterious Dark Lord who wields fear and power like no other…"

Voldemort nodded dully as Skeeter's Quick-Quotes Quill skittered across the parchment. Severus had suggested an in-depth interview to improve public relations, but did it have to be with this reporter?

"Fear not, Master," Severus had assured him. "Skeeter has a well-known vendetta against Potter, and she is always looking for ways to portray her subjects in different lights. She is the perfect reporter for our purpose."

So, Voldemort settled down for the long haul. It shouldn't take too long, he reasoned, nor would it be too prying or embarrassing.

Little did he know that Skeeter's definition of "a different light" would be to portray him as a sexual pervert, whose Death Eater meetings consisted of unnatural sexual practices between himself and his followers. Nor did he realize, until it was too late, that Skeeter preferred to hold interviews in three-hour segments… and had warded all the escape routes so well that even he could not get out.

An hour into the interview, Voldemort stabbed himself in the eyes with the Quick-Quotes Quill in order to put himself out of his misery. Rita prattled on, oblivious to the fact that both her interviewee and quill were unresponsive to her questions.

371.  Bunny by Crys.   Yes, I still do have original ideas.

Harry reached forward to shake Voldemort's hand, the necessary first step as defined by the Olde Compacts.

Voldemort promptly keeled over, defeated at the hand of the other.

372.   Bunny by Crys.

Voldemort glared at the location that had just held Harry Potter.   Nearly defeated, Potter had escaped once again.

Livid at his inability to win, Voldemort shouted, "I will not rest until I see you dead, Potter!"

Five days later, an utterly exhausted and sleep-deprived dark lord, driven by his own magical oath, trudged down Privet Drive, one painful, exhausting step at a time.

373. Scene by misterq.   Reproduced with minor modifications.

Argus Filch reread the kwik-spell manual and waved his new mail-order wand. No spell came forth. Again.

"What am I doing wrong? This is the spell that turns anything into a massive rhinoceros!" Filch screamed in frustration before starting to wave his wand in increasingly viscous movements.

"What!" Wave. Nothing.

"Am!" Wave. Nothing.

"I!" Wave. Nothing.

"Doing!" Jerky wave. Nothing.

"WRONG!?!" Putting all his emotions, all of the frustration of working year after year in a school where children took for granted their precious gifts of magic while he could only look on helplessly, Filch managed to amplify his weak squib core to get out the only spell he would ever cast.

The blue beam flew right out of his open window, right over the final battle. Right into a fluttering butterfly thirty feet above a gloating Voldemort.

374. Scene by misterq.   Reproduced with minor modifications.

Sneaking into Snape's office under the invisibility cloak, Hermione cast the space expansion charm on the potion professor's pocket. Harry nodded and placed the creature he had unofficially purchased from the Ministry. After Arthur told him about it, he had managed to meet with the head of the magical creature department. A thousand galleons later, the creature was his. Hermione came up with the spells and enchantments that would make it much more effective. It would be the perfect gift for Voldemort and his Death Eaters, Harry thought with a grin.

In the next meeting Voldemort called, the Dark Lord and all his Death Eaters were stunned when Snape's robes suddenly started making a clucking noise. Before their disbelieving eyes, a normal looking chicken was disgorged from his pocket. The chicken spread her wings and started flapping, stunning everyone further as it gracefully rose into the air.

They were even more surprised at the dragon-like thirty-five foot gout of burning napalm that the chicken started spewing all over everything and everyone.

375. Scene by misterq.   Reproduced without modification.

"You know, Harry, you've gotten really good at that 'Accio' spell." Hermione said.

"That's true." Ron piped in, "I bet you could even, I don't know, summon all the death eaters' magical cores if you really wanted to."

Harry stared at his friend for a few seconds open-mouthed, before looking down at his wand.

376. Scene by misterq.   Reproduced with minor modifications.

It's funny the things you remember when in a life or death situation. Here he was, about to 'duel' Voldemort, and the only thing Harry could think of was reading his old science book in primary school. The part about how antimatter is the same as normal matter, but the charges of electrons and protons are reversed. That's all. And a chunk of anti-matter the size of a loaf of bread could completely destroy a city. So if magic can turn a spoon into an elephant, why can't it reverse the polarity in a chunk of matter the size of a grain of sand?

Voldemort only had a split second to smile as Harry's spell seemed to clumsily miss him by a wide margin and hit the ground a few feet behind him. Then there was a flash of white.

377. Scene by misterq.   Reproduced with minor modifications.

It didn't look too difficult. Some bones, some blood. The things in the cauldron were probably the chemicals that could make a body. That he could transfigure. Harry stared as the foggy forms of his parents urged him to run, but he wasn't listening.

Transfiguration wasn't too difficult. Harry magically apparated a little bit of blood and flesh out of his body through will power alone. Besides, he didn't need his appendix anyway. Soon, the physical bodies of his parents were lying at his feet. His parents' spirits looked on their son with increasing horror. Even Voldemort looked on with interest as the distracted boy kept raking his thoughts for the next step.

Now, a spell that would permanently bind souls into bodies. Harry didn't know of such a thing, but if he could get all this way on will power alone, then he figured could make up a spell. Concentrating every iota of his willpower on getting spirits back into bodies, Harry raised his wand and shouted, "Resurrectus!"

Lily and James Potter opened their eyes and gasped. They were back, and their new bodies felt great. Harry, however looked nervous. "Mom, Dad, grab a hold of me."

The Potters clutched one another. Harry turned back to a stunned Voldemort. "Um, Mr. Voldemort, sir. I hope you like zombie movies. You're about to star in one. I just cast an over powered resurrection spell in the middle of a graveyard. Accio trophy."

Harry and his parents disappeared in a flash as Voldemort looked around, stunned, as decrepit hands started to burst out of the ground. He tried to leave, but ran into the anti-apparition wards that Wormtail had previously cast.   Being the caster, only Wormtail could take them down quickly. And ironically, the pudgy former-marauder was the first to be ripped apart by the animated corpses.


378. Scene by misterq.   Reproduced without modification.

Harry had the idea ever since he noticed that a switching charm didn't come out as a beam. So it was with some anti-climactic surprise that in the starting minute of the final battle, Voldemort's brain suddenly switched places with a dead squirrel.


379. Scene by misterq.   Reproduced without modification.

Harry Potter opened the briefcase he brought with him into the final battle.

As he watched the carnage, the Boy-Who-Lived thought, It's amazing what happens when you mix the charms to make a bludger and Dobby's guidance spell to target Voldemort and his Death Munchers with a few hundred madly whirling rotary saw blades.


380. Scene by misterq.   Reproduced with minor modifications.

Harry saw the green killing curse heading his way at the same time he saw his loyal owl swoop to intercept. Frantic, not wanting to loose one of his few precious friends, Harry cast the first spell that came to mind.

Hedwig dived madly at the green spell to save her nestling wizard. The next thing she heard was a loud, "Engorgio!" Cautiously, she opened her eyes to see everything from a great height. For some reason, she wasn't falling even though her wings were not open. In fact, it looked like she was standing on the ground, cracks spreading from where her massive, taloned feet were casually dug into the concrete of the street. When she saw the remains of one of her feathers, the recipient of the killing curse, float down onto the street; the forty foot tall Hedwig suddenly glared at the tiny Voldemort and his Death Eaters.

She soon found that they were all much tastier than the usual mice and rats she hunted for.


381. Scene by misterq.   Reproduced with minor modification.

Harry Potter, 15 months old, stared at the unpleasant looking man that was yelling at his mommy. This didn't please the infant at all. Thinking back to the incident one week ago with the unattended stove, Harry remembered getting burnt when he put his hand into the open flame. His parents had been otherwise occupied with a floo call from the long-bearded wizard who called a lot. But unlike a typical toddler, Harry didn't cry out. He was confused.

Why did the fire hurt him? All he wanted to do was be friends with the happily dancing flames. He tried to pet it like Padfoot seemed to like, but the fire bit him instead. Slowly, Harry started to inch his hand to the temperamental fire; whispering to it how he wanted to be friends and he would not want to hurt it.

Putting all of his thoughts and emotions to the task, Harry's magic responded. It flowed to the flame and gave it life, of a sort. The flames understood. And they wanted to play with the human boy, too. It surged out and formed shapes and animals to the delight of Harry. It healed his hand and, instead of burning, it felt ticklishly warm. The young Potter laughed as never before.

And even after that day, he could make the flames come out whenever he was feeling lonely. Shapes of animals and fiery sprites danced around him and played games only he knew of. It lifted him up and let him fly around the room. The fire cheered him when he was sad and laughed along when the boy was happy.

With the scary man yelling at his mommy, Harry Potter was angry. Very angry. And so was the friend-fire.


382. Scene by misterq.   Reproduced without modification.

Wormtail didn't trust himself to make his Master's resurrection potion. Fortunately, he managed to sneak into Hogwarts and snag the student that Severus Snape was always raving about. A little persuasion at wand-point and all was well.

A shocked Neville Longbottom stared first at the long scroll of instructions and then back to the large cauldron in front of him. A large single bead of sweat appeared on his forehead.


383. Scene by misterq.   Reproduced without modification.

Voldemort was just about to address his followers when Snape's cloak started shifting oddly. It jerked left, then right - much to the confusion of its wearer. But then, both the sleeping charms and glamour spells on the disguised mass of lethifolds wore off and there was only screaming and enveloping darkness.


384. Scene by misterq.   Reproduced without modification.

They didn't allow anyone who wasn't an auror to look, much less photograph the gruesome site of the old Riddle house. A greenish tinted Tonks stumbled into the Order's headquarters to give her report intermixed with dry heaves. Anything that was originally in her stomach was long gone at that point. But that just served as confirmation to two of the temporary residents at Grimmauld Drive.

"Inside-out gas a complete success, Forge!"


385. Scene by misterq.   Reproduced with minor modifications.

"It wasn't too hard, Harry. A little bit of technology and a lot of magic. Mostly transfiguration, but a good bit of rune work."

"Still, if anyone could have done it, it would be you, Hermione."

"Here you go. The coordinates are already locked on. It is your prophesy after all. Plus, if it wasn't for you never having seen a James Bond film, I would never have sat you down in front of that marathon."

"Oh, all right. Just push that button?"

"Yes, Harry. The big red one."

"Alright, there we go."

Over 22,000 miles above, in geocentric orbit, a large satellite with many notice-me-not wards blasted loose a Reducto beam the width of a tanker truck down towards Riddle manor.


386. Scene by misterq.   Reproduced with minor modifications.

Voldemort thought it was just a case of indigestion. One minute and a spray of gore later, the alien creature made its way out of his burst abdominal cavity.

Snape just looked back at the waitress. "I'd like to change my order to the soup please."


387. Scene by misterq.   Reproduced without modification.

He had done it.

Using spells and rituals he had invented, Voldemort now knew what awaited one after death.

Who knew? The old man was right.

Thus with a smile, the dark lord turned his wand around and cast the Killing Curse at his own head, eagerly moving on to the next great adventure.


388. Scene by misterq.   Reproduced with minor modifications.

The aurors stared at the scene which included a large grain thresher, three donkey corpses, a vast amount of cooking oil, a large pneumatic press, something that looked like two dead dragons and a extra large hamster that were all splinched together, some kind of unidentifiable ooze, a burning Volkswagen van, and the fragmented corpse of the former Dark Lord Voldemort, also on fire.

Tonks warily turned towards the new aurors portkeying on site. "Don't ask. Just... don't ask."


389. Scene by misterq.   Reproduced with minor modifications.

"Tom! Stop goofing around and do your homework!" The shrill voice came from the other end of the dilapidated shack that the two shared. "I didn't decide to home school you just so you could make up ridiculous, imaginary names for yourself?"

"I'm working on it, Ma!" Tom sighed and his vague dream of becoming a master sorcerer named 'Voldemort' died stillborn. Some days, he wished that the mysterious stranger would have never saved his mother's life in the nick of time.


390. Scene by misterq.   Reproduced without modification.

Harry felt the stone in his pocket. There was no way, he would let the Quirrell-Voldemort amalgamation have it. He could destroy it, but... wait, did the scrap of paper in his pocket just become much heavier?

"Fine, Voldemort. You want the stone, you can have it!" Harry screamed and raced towards his nemesis with the stone in his outstretched arm.

The wraith form of Voldemort found out very shortly afterwards that there was no escape from his new prison; a former professor that was now literally worth his weight in gold.


391. Scene by misterq.   Reproduced without modification.

"Yes, I.. um, represent the kwik-spell and beautification enchantment company. With this kit, you can be both powerful and beautiful enough to capture the heart of any wizard of your choice!" said a disguised Harry Potter holding the very real, one-of-a-kind product.

"Hmm.. any wizard of my choice?" mused a contemplative Merope Gaunt, completely abandoning her plan to bespell that somewhat handsome muggle that lived nearby.


392. Scene by misterq.   Reproduced without modification.

Harry yelled out his destination and jumped through the floo in the Ministry. Voldemort was only seconds behind him. Coming out of the fireplace at Borgin and Burke's, he was pleased to see the razor sharp, closable security floo grate that he noticed on his first trip to the store.


393. Scene by misterq.   Reproduced without modification.

"I wish for power!" Voldemort shouted at the Djinn of the lamp.

"Granted!" The Djinn told the rapidly cooling cloud of settling ashes.

394. Scene by misterq.   Reproduced with minor modifications.

Harry remembered second year, and Hermione told him what Madam Pomfrey did to change her back from her catgirl form. Still, he had no idea how he would be able to defeat Voldemort and his massive army without something special. So with only a little hesitation, he tipped back the vial of polyjuice with the phoenix feather, basilisk scale fragment, hellhound fur, and a piece of dragon claw all in it.

The massive, flying, three-headed, teleporting, poisonous, fire-breathing, feathered serpent with eye beams that could also cast magic did manage to even out the scales for the light side very quickly.

And even though Harry Potter was never able to change back to his human form, he still became England's best Minister of Magic, amalgamated monstrosity or not.

395 . Scene by Jake Grey.   "Here's one based, loosely, on something I came up with as a fanfic of Whydoyouneedtoknow's stuff:"   Reproduced without modification.

Voldemort blew the front door of Godric's Hollow clean off it's hinges and strode inside, failing to notice the slight bulge under the doormat. And the length of wire running towards a cardboard box under the hall table. This was highly unfortunate, as the bulge was a pressure switch, and the cardboard box contained four sticks of dynamite and twenty pounds of roofing nails.

James and Peter cautiously peered out from behind a nearby Volvo and regarded their handiwork with satisfaction. "You do realise that this was the easy part, of course," Prongs remarked dryly. "Lily was rather fond of some of that furniture."

396.   Scene by Aelfwine.   Partially reproduced with minor modifications

Cat-girl Hermione Granger, permanent victim of her own potion five years previously, was being held captive by Voldemort's arm across her throat and his wand to her temple.

"All right, Tom," Harry said. "Let Hermione go, and I'll face you. Wizard to Wizard, all proper-like and everything."

"Drop your wand, Potter," Voldemort said.

"No!" Hermione said. "Don't trust him, Harry! He'll only kill all of us."

"Better that than us losing you, Hermione," Ginny said. "Whatever your papers say, I'm marrying you just as much as I'm marrying Harry and Luna."

Voldemort snickered. "How -" Cough. "- sweet." He sneezed. "I wish I could establish a reserve for your kind, really. And a captive breeding programme. Such disgustingly soppy and stupid creatures might make useful potions ingredients."

"Please, Master, don't!" Hermione cried. "Have lots of kittens, my loves, and I'll see you three a hundred years from now."

"Drop your wand, Potter," Voldemort said. "This is getting -" Hack. "- tiresome."

Hermione hissed.

"All right, you stupid beast," he said, "time to put you down. Av - Ah-choo!" He sneezed, and sneezed again. His wand wavered, then swung away. Hermione broke loose and ran to her lovers. She drew her wand - legally it was Harry's spare wand which his pet carried for him - and stood shoulder-to-shoulder with them.

Voldemort, meanwhile, was still sneezing. His pale, quasi-reptilian face and head were almost entirely covered in large red lumps. He dropped to his knees. Blood spouted from his mouth and nostril-slits, spattering the ground. He fell on his face and lay still. Finally, his body disintegrated, leaving a pile of black robes and ugly, off-white glop.

There was a long, stunned pause. Then Harry grabbed Hermione in his arms and hugged her tightly. "My darling Hermione!" he shouted. "The most brilliant catgirl of her age! And the power the Dark Lord knew not!"

Ginny and Luna hugged them both. "Well done, my love," Ginny said, and kissed her.

"But... what did I do?" Hermione asked in mystification.

"Think about it, sweet," Luna said.

"You mean... no, that can't be right. It can't be!"

"I'm afraid it is," Harry said. "Apparently Voldemort was allergic to cat-girls."

397. Scene by misterq.   Reproduced with minor modifications.

Everyone had their specialty in the magical world, but only recently did Hermione find in an ancient book a way to glean where each person's talents lay. A spell and a simple potion later, Harry was found to, unsurprisingly, have a moderate affinity for air. That meant that with practice, he would be able to make a much stronger levitation and summoning/banishing charms, but would never be able to fly without a broom like some true masters of air.

Ron had a very mild affinity for water. It helped make his thoughts more fluid enabling generation of quick strategies on the fly.

Neville's was a rarer affinity, but it surprised no one that he was a moderately high floramancer, a combination of water and earth specialties that let his manipulate plants to a great degree. With a few years of practice, he could bind a devil's snare to his will and use it like a mass of living whips.

Luna also had a rare affinity. She was a mild chronomancer. While she would never be able to slow or stop time in an area, she did get glimpses of the future now and again.

Hermione's turn took the longest to make the words appear on the scroll. Eventually they appeared. She was an extreme level papyromancer. Within a few weeks, she could control paper to a very great degree and even absorb all the knowledge in a book just from one touch.

Which was why she was racing as fast as she could go towards the Hogwarts library during Voldemort's main offensive against the school, barely managing to stay ahead of two death eaters. Dodging spells more by luck than anything else, the bushy-haired girl dove through the broken door and into her favorite room.

The two death eaters slowed to a stop when they saw Hermione standing in the middle of a whirlwind of books. One tried to curse her, but the spell was easily intercepted by a tome. And the destruction of a book also had the benefit of making the girl angry.

All the books exploded in a tornado of loose, razor-sharp parchment. No pieces larger than a plum were ever found of the death eaters.

Outside, all action stopped as Hermione, still in a sphere of books and paper, floated out of a window and landed next to Harry and Ron.

"Don't worry, Harry. The bookworm is coming," she said with a smile.

"What do you mean, Hermione?" Ron asked. "You're already here."

"Not me, silly," the girl said with a smile as the ground began to shake.

"What is this?" Voldemort demanded.

"The bookworm." Hermione smirked.

And then it burst out of the ground. Composed of seemingly every book and paper in Hogwarts, a massive worm-like beast three hundred feet long and looking like its namesake from a series of muggle fiction, towered in the air for a moment before slamming its massive body into the Dark Lord with a shock wave that knocked everyone except Hermione off their feet.

398. Bunny by Crys

Voldemort stood in Borgin and Burke's, staring dubiously at one half of a pair of vanishing cabinets.   It was a clever way through the defenses of that damnable school, but still . . .

"Wormtail, you go through first.   Come back immediately once you confirm you made it to Hogwarts."

The rat-faced man nervously moved forward and closed the door.   Less than a minute later, he opened it again.   "The way is clear, Master," he announced in relief.

A triumphant gleam in his eye, Voldemort nodded.   "Very well.   I shall lead my forces to our victory."

Wormtail moved out of the way and Voldemort entered the cabinet.

Draco Malfoy wasn't a powerful spell-caster.   In fact, his repairs to the matching cabinet were only powerful enough to safely permit one round trip.

399. Bunny by Crys

Voldemort was taking a rare evening to himself.

In fact, he was flying.   One of his few honest pleasures in his life.

Better, he was in his animagus form of a vampire bat.

Swooping through the Forbidden Forest, going in any direction his whim took him, Voldemort relaxed.

He did not sense Buckbeak the hippogriff before he was plucked out of the air by a powerful beak.

400.   Bunny by Crys

Snarling in frustration at the failure of his latest plans (attempting to impersonate a muggle to get close to Potter's residence), Voldemort jammed his wand into one of the back pockets.

He'd never heard Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody's warning about doing such things.

He did indeed blow off his buttocks as well as both legs, resulting in his bleeding to death in short order.

15 Oct

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