Content Harry Potter Miscellaneous
  • Previous
  • Next

Author Notes:

Warning: WAY over the top humor. As more than one reviewer has said it, I'll pass on the warning that this is NOT work-safe.

1.

Harry Potter lay on the ground, bloody, battered, and finally beaten.  He painfully turned his head to glare at his arch nemesis.

Lord Voldemort smiled nastily.  "And so the Boy Who Lives becomes the Boy Who Finally Died."  With a grand flourish, he raised his wand to cast the Killing Curse.

Harry watched in shock as a triple-decker, violently purple bus appeared out of thin air.  Before it came to a shuddering halt, it ran over the Dark Lord.

Stan Shunpike stepped out.  "Welcome to the Knight Bus."


2.

Harry, tied to a tombstone, watched helplessly as Wormtail gently eased a frail looking creature into a huge, bubbling cauldron.

Wormtail raised his wand and closed his eyes, apparently to continue the ritual.

Harry, jaw working furiously, finally spat out the rag Wormtail had stuffed into his mouth.  "Peter!  Stop!  I hereby call in the Life Debt you owe me.  Let that that vile creature drown."

Peter Pettigrew looked at Harry in shock before becoming pensive.  "I suppose I don't have to do anything, do I?  Just NOT do something."  He walked over and started tearing the ropes from Harry's bound form.  "Besides, that bastard keeps threatening to feed me to his pet snake."


3.

A Death Eater Inner Circle meeting was in progress.

Voldemort was monologuing about how he was going to cleanse the world of all but pure-blooded wizards.

Lucius Malfoy tuned him out as the Malfoy eagle owl soared in and perched on his shoulder.  Lucius untied the scroll and read the note from his son.

"Pardon the interruption, my Lord, but I have only one question."

Voldemort, cut off in mid-rant, glared dangerously at his primary follower.  "Speak, Lucius."

"You agree that we should kill all half-bloods?"

"Of course."

In a lightning fast move, Lucius raised his wand and pointed it at his Master.  "Avada Kedavra!"


4.

Harry was crouching behind a headstone in a graveyard in Little Haggleton, mind spinning frantically in a effort to find a way out of this horrible nightmare of a situation.

Voldemort stepped closer as his newly reunited Death Eaters cheered their master and taunted his dueling opponent.

Harry, seeing only one desperate chance, transfigured a sliver of the broken headstone.

When Voldemort stuck his snake-like face around the stone, Harry struck, the newly-transfigured knife in his hand inexpertly but by chance slicing along the side of the Dark Lord's thin neck and into his windpipe.

The Dark Lord screamed and gargled as his blood spurted all over Harry and began filling his own lungs.

The Death Eaters, cheering with all their might, didn't hear the screams of pain and fear for what they were.

The Death Eaters, not being able to see beyond the headstone, couldn't see the final moments of Lord Voldemort bleeding to death from the cut inflicted by a fourteen year old Harry Potter.


5.

The running battle through Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry between Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort ended near the gargoyle guarding the entrance to the Headmaster's office.

Voldemort stood over the unarmed Harry, gloating for just a moment.  "Ava -"

CRACK!

Voldemort flew backwards, landing at the top of a flight of stairs before he slid down them backwards.

"You shall not harm Harry Potter!" Dobby the House-Elf declared with a long finger raised.


6.

In the atrium of the Ministry of Magic, Lord Voldemort spoke through the mouth of Harry Potter.  "If death is nothing, Dumbledore, kill the boy . . "

Dumbledore frowned slightly.  Showing amazing speed for a 162 year old wizard, he pointed his wand at Voldemort's unmoving body.  "Obliterate."  He then moved his wand to Harry's twitching body and transfigured him into an obnoxiously cute puppy.  Dumbledore walked over and picked up the squirming canine.  "Now, what shall I do with you?"


7.

Voldemort entered his chambers after a long but satisfying day torturing muggles and thwarting the incompetent ministry of magic.

Voldemort made it one step toward his bed before his legs were kicked out from under him.

Falling flat upon his face, Voldemort was vaguely aware that his wand had been taken by his attacker.

Bellatrix proceeded to alternately kick and shout at him.

"YOU -"  Kick.

"- PROMISED -"  Kick.

"- ME -"  Kick.

"- A -"  Kick.

"- DAY -"  Kick.

"- TOGETHER -"  Kick.

"- FOR -"  Kick.

"- OUR -"  Kick.

"- ANNIVERSARY!"


8.

Lord Voldemort strode triumphantly into the office of Albus Dumbledore.

Headmaster Dumbledore, indomitable spirit that he was, smiled, twinkled, and said, "Hello, Tom.  Would you care for a lemon drop?"

Voldemort considered killing the meddlesome old fool right then (and killing that damnable phoenix for staring at him like that as well).  On the other hand, lemon drops WERE one of his favorite candies from the time he was in that thrice-damned orphanage.

Two minutes later, Voldemort fell to the floor, choking to death on a muggle sweet.


9.

Lord Voldemort had one secret addiction.  A vice. 

Not just any vice. 

No. 

It was a muggle vice.

He was so intent upon what was in front of him that he didn't hear the door open behind him, nor did he hear Harry Potter sneak into the room.

"I KNOW I'm in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike, you bloody computer!"


10.

As the dust settled, the Order of the Phoenix slowly moved in.

In the center of the devastation, they found Harry Potter, sitting on the ground, breathing heavily but apparently unhurt.  Across from him, Lord Voldemort also sat on the ground, looking around curiously.

"What happened?" Remus eventually asked after peering at the confusing scene for a full two minutes.

Harry looked up, grinning in a way that even the former Marauder found disturbing.  "He's going to spend the rest of his life believing he's a six year old muggle girl."

"Could someone please braid my hair?" Lord Voldemort asked in an innocent, high pitched voice.


11.

Two armies met upon the grounds of Hogwarts.

At the forefront, Harry Potter stepped forward to be met by Lord Voldemort.  They stopped about ten feet apart.

"Are you ready to die, Potter?"

Harry ignored the question.  "Tell me, Tom, did you ever watch any of those American western movies on the telly?" 

Harry Potter pulled a nine millimeter automatic out from beneath his robes.


12.

The specter that was once Lord Voldemort tried desperately to evade the searchers, but they eventually caught him. 

A Containing Spell and a Binding Spell later, the glass sphere in one hand had what appeared to be dark smoke in it.

"Seems that young Potter was correct," Unspeakable Kay observed.

"I'm more glad that we came out here against Fudge's orders," Unspeakable Jay replied.


13.

Coming out to the front lawn of Hogwarts and marching down toward the tall figure standing in the middle of the field of green, Harry went to face his destiny.

Once he was close enough, he said cheerfully, "Hello, Tom.  So nice of you to come."

Eyes narrowing in anger at the address, Voldemort hissed out, "Potter.  You're bringing your school trunk to our duel instead of your wand?"

"Our wands don't work against each other, Tom.  You know that.  No, what's IN the trunk is what's important.  Here, let me show you."  Harry reached forward and opened the trunk.

Harry's boggart took the form of a dementor.  Voldemort's, on the other hand, was far different.

"I love you.  You love me," sang a plush purple dinosaur.


14.

Leaving the broken and bleeding form of Harry Potter on the front lawn of Number Four, Privet Drive, Voldemort blasted the door in and entered the house.

He was met with the sight of the three most disgusting muggles he'd ever met.  Not even trying to hide the disgust he felt, he said, "I wanted to thank you for effectively destroying that boy.  Healthy and at full strength, he might have been a threat.  Your treatment of him kept that from happening.  So I wanted to thank you for your help before I killed you."

At his words, each of the three Dursleys reacted differently.

Dudley screamed, grabbed his exceedingly large buttocks in his hands, soiled himself, and ran up the stairs, leaving the odors of his bowels and under washed, overweight teenaged male behind.

Petunia started a keening wail that caused dogs three streets away to whimper in pain and fear.

Vernon, mind now occupied with equal parts fear and anger, rushed the suddenly overwhelmed and disoriented Voldemort.

Voldemort got one spell off.

Vernon, now limp, landed his considerable bulk directly on top of Voldemort.

Unable to breath - and therefore speak - with three hundred pounds of muggle atop him, Voldemort silently cursed his frail body as he slowly blacked out, victim of asphyxiation.


15.

Luna Lovegood stepped over the prone and bleeding form of Harry Potter to stand between him and Lord Voldemort.

"Who are you, foolish girl?"

She remained silent.

"I demand to know your name!"

She still remained silent.

"Very well, I'll TAKE the information!  Legilimens!"

Thirty seconds later, Lord Voldemort fell to the ground, twitching.

Luna shook her head sadly and said, "Your mind is too small and fragile to be wandering around on its own."


16.

"Seize him!" Voldemort commanded Quirrell.

Instead of turning around to see where he was going, Quirrell tried to walk backwards toward Harry.

Unfortunately, he didn't see the stone he slipped on.

Arms pin wheeling, he fell flat on his back and crushed in the back of his skull.  Which was also doubling as Voldemort's face.


17.

"Padma, do you have a second?"

The seventh year Ravenclaw looked over at Harry for one confused moment before shrugging slightly and following him into an unused classroom.  "What's up?"

Harry smiled at her nervously.  "You've heard the rumors that I'm the only one who can kill Voldemort, right?"

She shuddered but nodded.

"And the rumor that the power I have over him is love?"

She nodded again, now more confused than anything.

"Well, you see, the thing is that Dumbledore had this idea . . .  Well, maybe it's easier if you just read this."  She handed the very confused girl a piece of parchment that had been addressed to her.  While she read, he paced back and forth, trying to burn some of the anxious energy off.

Mouth agape, she looked up at him.  "You have got to be kidding me."

Harry just shrugged.

"You can't seriously expect me . . .  Are you out of your mind?!"

Harry shrugged again.  "Padma, it's for the good of the wizarding world."

"Well, maybe, but . . .  An orgy with you and fifteen girls?" she asked in disbelief.


18.

Harry coughed and spat some blood out.

Voldemort stood over him and gloated.

Even without an audience of Death Eaters, Voldemort still spoke, "Behold the Death of the Boy Who Lived!"  He dramatically raised his arm.

This slight delay saw the arrival of a small ball of fire that impacted Voldemort, throwing him backwards and setting his robes on fire.

A male veela, sex appeal oozing out of every pore despite his bird-like features and wings sprouting from his back, spoke in a voice that was still recognizably that of Draco Malfoy.  "You shall not touch my Life Mate!"


19.

"You failed."

"Master, please.  That plan should have worked!  How Dumbledore and his infernal Order knew to arrive at that time -"

"Silence."  The standing figure studied the kneeling and trembling form in front of him for a few moments.  "I have given you three years to destroy that boy.  You have only managed to embarrass yourself.  Repeatedly."

"Please, Master.  Give me one more chance."

"Avada Kedavra."  He sighed and shook his head at the slumped figure.  "Good help is so difficult to find these days."  He stepped away from the body of his faithful but incompetent follower, Tom Riddle. 

Out of the room came Dark Lord Else-Norway, wondering idly if he could find another anagram for his name.


20.  Bunny by SonicDale:

"What happened, Lieutenant?"

"There was an electrical short in my bomb-release, sir.  I did NOT intend to drop it, but it fell off my aircraft anyway."

"What was it?"

"An M.K. 81, sir."

"Well, at least it was only 250 pounds.  What'd it hit?"

"According to local authorities, an abandonded home near a small town called Little Hangleton.  Family by the name of Riddle died out twenty years ago, apparently.  Anyway, the bomb did a good number on the house, but as nobody was there . . ."


21. Bunny by David Thacker:

"Are you absolutely sure, Severus?"

"Yes, My Lord.  I have modified the wards around the brat Potter's hideout.  Among your forces, only you have the power to exploit the breach I introduced.  Here are the apparition coordinates."

"Very well.  If your information is accurate, you will be rewarded."

"You are too kind, My Lord."

Studying the parchment one last time, Voldemort drew his wand and apparated out.

He chose to apparate to 100 yards from the indicated spot.  He didn't trust Severus Snape not to try to lead him to his death.

Unfortunately for him, he apparated into a small, unlit room.  He coughed on the soot in the air.

Five feet away, Harvey the crematorium worker pressed the series of buttons to start up the system.


22. Bunny by Alara Moonrunner:

Voldemort stared.  "What is this for?"

"My Lord, you swim in the water."

Voldemort gave the St. Mungo's physical therapist a withering glare and fingered his wand.  In a deadly voice, he said, "I know I am to swim in it, idiot.  What I wanted to know is WHY."

"My Lord, it was my understanding that you wanted to build the flexibility and stamina of your body?  If so, swimming is one of the better methods of doing so."

"Why can't I just drink a potion?"  If he weren't the most feared dark lord in history, he would have sounded like he was whining.

The therapist answered carefully, "Due to how you . . . acquired your body, using magic or potions to alter it may have . . . unfortunate consequences.  Therefore, physical toning would be the easiest way to get the results you require."

Voldemort sighed.  "Very well.  Leave me."

The therapist bowed and scurried from the room.

From his time as a young Tom Riddle, Voldemort DID know how to swim.  He actually had enjoyed it as a young student at Hogwarts, truth be told.

He jumped into the Olympic-sized pool cleanly and started swimming toward the deep end, staying underwater as long as he could.

The problem was that he didn't have the lung capacity or physical stamina that he thought he did.

He drowned before making it through the first half-lap. 


23. Bunny by Ed Regal:

Voldemort was stalking Harry Potter through London.  He KNEW the little brat had entered this building.  The only problem now was to find him . . .

He quietly entered a large, open room.  Strangely, the floor felt as if it were padded.  Probably had something to do with whatever kind of "studio" this place was, according to the sign above the front door.  Shrugging off the minor mystery, he crossed toward the other door he saw.

A movement out of the corner of his eye was all it took.  Smoothly, he brought his wand around, aimed, and spoke, "Avada Kedavra!"  It took less than a second for him to get the spell off.

It took a lot less than that for the spell to go out, hit the mirror, and come back at him.


24. Bunny by Meghan:

The critical moment of the ritual arrived.  Thirteen Death Eaters raised their wands at Lord Voldemort.

Twelve of them cast, "Spurlinium Sucorus Sufuruous Spelannius."

Goyle cast, "Spurlinium Sucorus Sufuruous Spelankius."

The resulting magical explosion, centered on Lord Voldemort's chest and ending with little bits of Voldemort sticking to every surface in the room, proved two things.

One, dark rituals are dangerous.

Two, mispronouncing a spell is a BAD THING. 


25. Bunny by Brandon West:

[You promised us sustenance.]

"And you shall have it.  AFTER I have control of Wizarding Britain."

[No.  You said we would have sustenance and we WILL have it.]

"You will feed when I SAY you can feed."

[No.  Now.]

Voldemort laughed.

The dementor in front of him moved forward.

Voldemort abruptly stopped laughing and cast three different spells.  They merely slowed the dementor down, not stopping or harming it at all.

Hissing in vexation, Voldemort said, "Expecto Patronum."

Nothing happened.  His history, delving ever deeper into the blackest of dark arts, had rendered him completely incapable of casting a patronus.

Now desperate, Voldemort cast spell after spell, frantically searching for anything that would stop this monster in front of him.  Nothing worked.

Magaically drained, tired, and feeling cold, Voldemort vaguely heard screams of terror coming from his Death Eaters outside of his audience chamber.

Occlumency shields crumbling, Voldemort finally succumbed to the dementor's aura.  His last conscious thought was that it was utterly ironic that his greatest fear wasn't death as he'd always thought.  His greatest fear was of Nothing.


26. Bunny by hedwig_edwiges:

Voldemort walked into Severus Snape's potions laboratory in the Death Eater headquarters.  "You sent for me, Severus?  Whatever it is, it had better be worth bringing me down her instead of you coming to me."

Snape shuddered.  "I apologize, My Lord, but one of the steps in the Alexander's Potion of Power Tap requires a step that would best be accomplished here instead of in your throne room."

"Very well.  What is needed?"

Snape opened a cage and drew out what looked like a small, brown pillow.  "By your hand, My Lord, a puffskein must be killed and the blood drained into the simmering potion."

"Very well.  Give me the infernal animal and a knife."

The instant the cute, furry animal touched his hand, it began emitting a keening wail.  The sound seemed to penetrate into everyone's brain and cause a migraine in about two seconds.

Unnoticed by either wizard, Voldemort's skin had an allergic reaction to the puffskein fur.  Purple blisters formed and began speading up his arm rapidly. 

By the time another Death Eater burst into the room, Snape was on the ground, head in hands and screaming in agony.

Voldemort's body was covered in purple spots and he'd died of an allergic reaction to the cutest, furriest, most harmless animal in magical Britain.


27. Bunny by Anonymous Reviewer (I seem to get reviews from this person a lot):

Harry Potter, tied to a tombstone, watched the end of Wormtail's dark ritual in horror.  Finally, steam billowed out of the top of the cauldron.

Just at the moment Harry expected a form to step out of the mist, a thud and then a snap sounded.  As if a light had gone off, Harry's scar stopped hurting.

Still whimpering over his severed hand, Wormtail scuttled forward and peered into the now quiet cauldron.  "Damn," he whispered, "I KNEW I should've gotten the larger size of cauldron."


28. Bunny by Finbar:

Voldemort seethed as he flew off.  The Order of the Phoenix had managed to find his hideout and made a raid on it, killing everyone inside.  Outnumbered, no allies, and facing both Potter and Dumbledore, Voldemort had taken one of the brooms and fled.

So intent on his simmering hatred, he didn't hear the sound coming up from behind him.  Turning at the last moment, he saw an image that no living soul had ever seen before.

The intake of a jet engine coming at him at 400 knots from a distance of ten feet.


29. Another bunny by Finbar:

Walden Macnair, formerly of the Disposal of Dangerous Magical Creatures Department of the Ministry of Magic, swung his huge battle-axe with glee.  He didn't care that the Death Eaters had launched a surprise attack on Hogwarts.  All he cared about was that he could use his axe again.

Missing his target, an auror that was rapidly moving away from the huge berserker, Macnair couldn't check his swing and ended up spinning in place when the axe's momentum pulled him around.

He turned his head just in time to watch the axe in his hands cut through Voldemort's chest.

Macnair, now wearing copious amounts of Voldemort's blood, blinked and said, "Oops."


30. Bunny by Matthew:

Harry was running.  He'd been duelling, if you could call it that, Voldemort for several hours now.  Considering how much more powerful the dark wizard was, it was a testament to Harry's running stamina and Apparition skills that he was still alive.

Unfortunately, after that last Apparition, he didn't think he could do so again, even if his life depended on it.

So he ran.

Cold, mocking laughter echoing behind him, Harry ran into a stadium.  He had nowhere else to go.

Unfortunately, there was a football game in progress.  Using a couple Blasting Curses on the security gates, Harry went onto the field, praying that there was nobody on the field at that point.  Either way, he was guaranteed fewer people on the field than in the stands.  Unfortunately for him, the game was going on as he tried to move across the open field.

Voldemort Apparated to just behind Harry.  One of the football security guards, chasing Harry, crashed into him.  Voldemort did with this Muggle as he did with all Muggles that annoyed him.  Namely, he killed the guard and then the nearest two football players.

The resulting riot took three hours to break up.  Voldemort's broken wand and mangled body was found the next morning, stuffed into a stadium trash receptacle.


31. Scene submitted by Tommy L aka Fanfix.  Used with permission and posted without modification:

The brat had hidden in this building, he was sure of it. Voldemort walked stealthily towards the modern-sized building, ignoring the squeeking of his bunny-slippers. His tracking charm had found Potter while he was taking an afternoon nap, and he'd had no time to slip into his robes; the slippers' and heart-decorated pink pyjama would have to do... Entering the building the Dark Lord took a look around, but saw nothing suspicious... There, inside the closest door, was Harry Potter with a bunch of muggles, all dressed up in some white funny clothings. The Dark Lord snickered; he had him this time... now, in three he would spring into the room and kill his nemesis; One... two... tree...

He never noticed the sign above the door; Shaolin Style Kung-Fu... And in a small and lit room in Little Hangleton, on a desk, a muggle found a strange black stick with the inscriptions; Belongs to Lord Voldemort (with the crossed out words 'Tom loves Myrtle' at the top). 


32. Scene submitted by Meteoricshipyards.  Used with permission and posted without modification:

"You cannot escape, Potter! You have no wand! No portkey! No floo powder! No friends! No way to get through my anti-apportation wards! This is your final moment!" The nose-less fiend gloated. He won! This was it! Potter cowered against the wall of his cottage.

Suddenly the door opened and a skinny blond stepped in. She had no wand, so the Dark Lord didn't kill her immediately.

"Harry! Guess what!"

"Not now Luna, I'm about to be killed."

"Harry, this is important. I found a Crumpled Horn Snorkack!"

"That's great Luna, but this really isn't the time for it."

"You're right. We have almost no time." She rushed over to Harry, ignoring the Dark Lord.

"Girl, get away from him, unless you want to die too."

Noticing the Dark Lord for the first time, Luna said, "Oh, hi! You don't want to stand there, you know."

"No one tells the Dark Lord where to stand! Now you both die! Avada Kaaaaaa!"

Voldemorts spell was lost as the wall of the cottage collapsed on him. Luna quickly got Harry out of the building before the rest of it fell. Harry stood next to luna looking at the twelve meter tall, vaguely deer like animal.

"So that's why they call it "Crumple Horned"," he said, looking at it's head.


33. Bunny that is a hybrid of bunnies from Dorothy McComb and Michael Foerster:

"Hey, Tommy.  You have something of mine and I want it back."

"Don't call me that, Potter.  What is it that you think I have of yours?"

"Accio my blood!"


34. Bunny by Ishtar:

"Today, class, we have a visitor.  He is going to give us something for the entire class to enjoy."

"Hi, kids.  My name is Harry Potter.  And I've brought you . . ."

"Eew.  Is that a rat?"

"No, it's a weasel."

"Actually, it's a ferret."

"What's it's name?"

"I've named him Voldy."

"Voldy?  What kind of name is that?"

"I thought it fit him.  If you'd rather name him 'Fluffy', then be my guest.  He's for your second grade class to take care of, now.  Careful petting him, though; he might bite."

 


 

35. Bunny by raining_lilies:

Voldemort stared at Wormtail.  Apparate onto the Hogwarts Express, kill the brat, apparate out.

It couldn't be that simple. 

Could it? 

"Wormtail, if this plan succeeds, you will have earned a high place among my Death Eaters."

The cowering rat relaxed, realizing he wasn't going to get in trouble after all.  "Thank you, Master."

Without another word, Voldemort apparated out.

Harry Potter, sharing a train compartment with his friends, felt the carriage bump over something.  "What was that?"

"Something on the tracks?" Ron wondered aloud.

 


 

36. Bunny by Sim:

Voldemort finally broke through the wards around the Weasley property and entered the grounds of one of his numerous enemies.  The Potter boy was having his birthday party (useless waste of time, that) and so everyone was in one place instead of tending to locational security.

Passing through the house (what a miserable dump!), Voldemort absently picked up a piece of candy off of the kitchen table (ward breaking IS hard work) and ate it.

Just as he stepped into the back yard and his arch nemesis came into view, Voldemort felt a strange sensation in his stomache.  And then the entire world started getting larger.

It took only moments before he realized that, in fact, he was getting smaller.  Once he stopped shrinking, he darted behind a rose bush to give himself time to think and reverse the enchantment.

"Wha' do we have 'ere?"

The two inch tall Voldemort turned around to see what looked like a huge potato with legs.

"What was that?" Harry asked, looking over toward Molly's garden.

"Just the gnomes," Ron said.

 


 

37. Bunny by ThadiusZho:

Voldemort cast a hail of arrows, stunners, fire sprays, killing curses, and assorted other dark curses at Harry.  For his part, Harry deflected, avoided, shielded, and generally jumped around to stay out of the way of the destructive spells being cast at him.

Durig a momentary break in the duel, Voldemort said, "I will admit that you're good, Potter, but not good enough.  Any last words?"

Harry nodded cheerfully and cryptically said,  "What goes up must come down."

Suspecting a trick, Voldemort kept one eye on Harry and glanced up.

Just in time to see arrows, gravel, rocks, and fireballs come back down at him.

 


 

38. Another bunny by Hedwig_Edwiges:

Voldemort, in his animagus form, crept into Number Four, Privet Drive.  Foolish of the old man to base the wards on blood.  He and I share the blood, so the wards do not affect me! 

He made it exactly two and a half feet past the front door before a foot came down and crushed him.

The last thing his fading consciousness heard was, "Boy!  I don't know what kind of unnaturalness you're spreading, but now you're making COCKROACHES appear in our prefectly clean house!"

 


 

39. Bunny by Killer07:

Instead of simply biding his time in the forests of Albania, the spectre of Lord Voldemort travelled across the ocean, trying to find a land unprepared for his presence.

Needing rest and nourishment after his long over-water trip, he spent some time in the first major city he stumbled across.

About to possess yet another weak-minded muggle, a stream of energy caught him from the side.  Struggling mightily against the unexpected attack, Voldemort nearly broke free before something pulled him down and into a prison of some sort.

"What the hell is that thing, Egon?"

"Not sure, Venkman.  A class three phantasm, maybe.  Doesn't really matter.  We'll just store him with all the others."

 


 

40. Bunny by Heather:

Severus Snape was sweating.

It had nothing to do with a fire under one of his potions.  Nor did it have anything to do with fear, though he was standing in the midst of the gathered Inner Circle of the Death Eaters.

No, the cause of his overheating was much more prosaic and currently Disillusioned.

Finally, he thought as Lord Voldemort entered the room.

Moving quickly, Snape pulled a large, wiggling item out from under his robes and canceled the Silencing Charm before placing it upon the floor.

Distantly hearing the wails of a fully-grown mandrake, Snape nonchalantly walked out of the room as every Death Eater fell to the ground behind him.

Finally I can get these damn pink earmuffs off!

 


 

41. Bunny by Anonymous Reviewer:

Voldemort stalked his prey through muggle London. 

Strangely, it didn't feel as foreign to him as he expected.

Unfortunately for him, that was because he was currently walking through the darkest, most crime-ridden neighborhood the great metropolis contained.

He didn't even feel the knife enter his back as the burned-out junkie desperately tried to steal enough money for his next fix.

 


 

42. Scene submitted by BadVoodoo.  Used with permission and posted without modification:

"So I have an idea for stopping Voldemort."

"What is it Ron?" Hermione asked as the pair snuggled on her parents couch watching television.

"We set a trap for him," Hermione looked at him with a look that could not be interpereted in any other way than 'well, duh'.  Ron continued, "We set up a field and somehow tell him that Harry's going to be there, we put anti-apparation and anti-portkey wards up around it.  We put Harry in the middle, then surround him with fallen rakes; hundreds of them!"  His voice carried a hint of excitement as he finished relating his idea.

"Rakes?  You can't be serious." Hermione replied.

"No, think about it, he apparates or portkeys to the edge of the field, then he's walking along and BAM," he clapped his hands loudly, "he steps on a rake; it swings up from the ground and pounds him in the face."

Hermione looked at her paramour, waiting for him to continue and instead saw his hopeful face looking back at her expectantly.  "That's it?  We get him to step on a rake?"

"It worked before on the muggle vision machine.  That charactor Sideshow Bob was always stepping on rakes and losing to a child."


43. Bunny (slightly modified) by Killer07

Voldemort scuttled into the Great Hall of Hogwarts during evening meal.

Though he would have definitely preferred to stride in forcefully, in full view of his defeated enemies, he was forced to use his animagus form.  Soon, though, he would change and cause panic among all these pathetic children.

Senses alerting him to danger, Voldemort turned his attention to the right just in time to see an extremely thin cat with lamp-like yellow eyes pounce.

Mrs. Norris licked her lips after her dinner of a live mouse and trotted up to the Head Table to rest at Filch's feet. 


44. Blame Treck for this one

"I would not think to question your orders, My Lord, but I would remind you that she has proven useful to your cause."

"True enough, Lucius, but only as a byproduct of her actions.  She was cruel to the Potter boy because she wanted to, not because I ordered it.  If she will not join us, she shall die."

At that moment, Dolores Jane Umbridge exited her bathroom, one pudgy hand holding the ends of her towel together after her shower.  One look at the two intruders in her hallway, and she screamed, hands flying akimbo.

The towel dropped.

Voldemort's brain spontaneously combusted at the image thus revealed.

 


45. Another bunny (modified) from Killer07

Bound to a tombstone, Harry watched the Dark resurrection ceremony in horror.

A dark shape was visible throught the billowing steam.  After a moment the steam dissipated, revealing a red skeleton.

A long second later, it fell to pieces, clattering to the bottom of the empty cauldron.

Horrified and still in pain from his part in the ceremony, Wormtail looked down.  His severed right hand lay in the grass beside the cauldron.

Huh, Harry thought, so that's what happens if you're missing flesh in a ressurection ceremony.

Neither Harry nor Wormtail noticed the pack of wild dogs that peered into the graveyard, drawn by the smell of blood and fresh bones.


46. Yet another bunny (modified) from Killer07

 

With a small pop of displaced air, Voldemort appeared in a dark room.  The portkey had been set for him by Wormtail, so he wasn't aware exactly where he was.  His instructions to his minion were only to get him within striking distance of one of Potter's allies.

Red eyes scanned the room.  Boxes filled the space, nearly hiding the trap door from sight.

Wtih a contemptuous sneer, Voldemort raised his wand and cast a Blasting Curse to clear the way.

He hadn't noticed the stylized WWW logo on the side of the box.

The resulting explosion registered as a 4.3 on the Richter Scale.


47. And another bunny from Killer07

Lord Voldemort ignored the glazed look in the guard's eye as he entered his throne room.

What he saw gave him pause.

Four other Lord Voldemorts were all glaring at each other and now him.

"Who are you, and what do you think you're doing?"

"I was about to ask you the same thing, imposter."

"Imposter!  You're the one wearing my image!"

"No, you're wearing mine!"

All five versions began shouting at each other.  It quickly degenerated into a free-for-all duel.

At four points around the country, behind elaborate defenses, sat magical artifacts that once were called Horcruxes but were now merely empty shells.


48. Another bunny from Killer07 (whoever gave him the carrot-flavored clothing, I wish to thank you, but I think he's getting a touch irritated by all these bunnies)

[Hello, young Speaker.]

"Nagini.  Fancy meeting you here."

[I do not understand.]

"It's a figure of speech.  I'm just surprised that you're approaching me here in the Hogwarts greenhouses.  As you haven't tried to attack, I'll assume Tom didn't send you to kill me?"

[My former master has had many plans to kill you.  None succeeded.  That is why I am here.]

"I'm afraid I don't understand."

[He forever promised me good eating.  He never fulfilled that promise.  Only one magical human have I eaten in the past forty moon cycles, and he was five days dead.  Only three humans, and they were all chewed up before I was allowed to eat them.  Always it is mice and rats, and never the one they call Wormtail.]

"This is all interesting, Nagini, but I don't understand why you're telling me this."

[I wish a new Master.]

"I'm flattered, but -"

[In what you humans call, "Making a good first impression," I will tell you that I killed my former Master before seeking you out.]


49. Another bunny from Killer07

Voldemort stepped over the bodies of the muggle security guards and through the heavy, reinforced door that he'd just spent the past two minutes blasting through.

"Lucius, why are we attacking this place?"

The Malfoy Patriarch shrugged.  "It's guarded, Bella," he pointed out.  "Whatever this place is, the muggles must think it's valuable."

"Yes, but what, exactly, is the 'radiation' that sign is warning us about?"


50. Another bunny from Killer07

Out of breath, Lord Voldemort glared down at his fallen opponent.  "That was a good duel, Potter, but not good enough.  Avada Kedavra."

Voldemort hadn't noticed that one of Harry's Cutting Curses earlier had nicked his wand.  None of the curses he'd used since then had been powerful enough to require the full channeling power of his wand.

This one was.

Just like he had seen below Hogwarts in his second year, Harry watched a spell come out the wrong end of a compromised wand.

  • Previous
  • Next
Follow @Fanficauthors for the fastest updates

Author Notes:

If you've gotten this far and actually have any ideas to toss at me, feel free. As I add to it I'll credit the bunnies. Sorry, but I'm not using most of them that I receive.

Okay, to address the two most common questions:
"Else-Norway" is an anagram for "Ron Weasley".
The Veela!Draco scene was done as a parody of all the stories out there in the same sub-genre.

Log in using your account with us

Log in/create an account using

Create account

Retrieve your password

Simply enter your email address in below, and we will send you an email with a NEW password in it. Once you have logged in, you will be able to change your password to something a little easier to remember.