Content Harry Potter Miscellaneous

Back to: Harry Potter » Snide Comments

Reviews (15)

Printer friendly version

Also available as: Epub | lit | mobi | pdf | txt

Display options

Chapter 2

Narcissa is trying to talk Severus into performing an Unbreakable Vow while Bellatrix watches.

"Then you ought to hold your tongue!" snarled Bellatrix.  "Particularly in present company!"

"'Present company'?" repeated Snape sardonically.  "And what am I to understand by that, Bellatrix?"

She rolled her eyes.  "I'm worried that Mad-Eye Moody put an Eavesdropping Charm on the wine," she snarked.  "I'm talking about you, you dunderhead!"


Chapter 6

Draco is shopping in Madam Malkin's.

". . . not a child, in case you haven't noticed, Mother.  I am perfectly capable of doing my shopping alone."

"I see that," Narcissa said coldly.  "With that attitude, you're proving you're far more immature than a child."


Chapter 6

Madam Malkin is hemming the robe Draco is wearing.

"Watch where you're sticking that pin, will you!"

"Yes, mustn't pop that over-inflated ego," muttered Madam Malkin.  "Such a crime that would be."


Chapter 6

Harry, Ron, and Hermione enter Malkin's shop while Draco and his mother are shopping.

"If you're wondering what the smell is, Mother, a Mudblood just walked in, "said Draco Malfoy.

Ron affected a surprised look.  "Wow.  You must have quite a nose to ferret that out so quickly."


Chapter 7

On the Express, Malfoy's gang is talking about Ginny.

"Even you think she's good-looking, don't you, Blaise, and we all know how hard you are to please!"

Crabbe looked up from his wizarding comic book.  In a dull tone, he asked, "Why do you care?  You're not nearly as good looking as she is, Pansy."


Chapter 8

Snape is escorting a late Harry to Hogwarts.

"I suppose you wanted to make an entrance, did you?"  Snape continued.  "And with no flying car available, you decided that bursting into the Great Hall halfway through the feast to create a dramatic effect."

Harry turned a withering look to the clueless idiot.  Sarcasm dripping from his words, he replied, "Yes.  I wanted to show up late, guaranteeing everyone would turn and see me, blood all over my face and escorted by the one professor everyone knows hates me.  My diabolical plan for adulation and positive attention will work wonderfully, I'm sure."


Chapter 8

Snape is escorting a late Harry to Hogwarts.

"No cloak.  You can walk in so that everyone sees you, which is what you wanted, I'm sure."

Harry rolled his eyes.  "After you spent most of last year rummaging around in my mind, I expected you to grasp at least the most basic facts about me.  Apparently you're incapable of objectively recognizing the obvious, though."


Chapter 13

Harry and Dumbledore are in one of their private lessons.

"Where were you this weekend, sir?" Harry asked.

"I would rather not say just now," said Dumbledore.  "However, I shall tell you in due course."

"You will?" said Harry, startled.

"Yes, because the headmaster of the premier school of witchcraft and wizardry, Supreme Mugwump of the Wizengamot, and Chief Warlock of the International Confederation of Wizards should be required to account for his personal time to a sixteen year old wizard in training, don't you agree?"


Chapter 14

Ron, Harry, and Hermione are speaking during Herbology.

"Hand that over, Harry," said Hermione hurriedly. "It says we're supposed to puncture them with something sharp."

"Think we should use your mind or Snape's tongue?  We certainly can't use Ron's wit."


Chapter 15

Madam Pince has just seen Harry's marked up copy of Advanced Potion-Making.

"Despoiled!" she hissed.  "Desecrated!  Befouled!"

Harry looked at her with a frown.  "By any chance, are you related to Walbruga Black?"


Chapter 15

Ron and Lavender are kissing in the common room.

There was a noise like a plunger being withdrawn from a blocked sink and Ron surfaced.

Considering the noise, Harry fervently hoped that Lavender had indeed jarred something loose from within Ron's head.


Chapter 17

Harry is trying to warn Dumbledore about Malfoy and Snape's actions.

"Again, I am glad that you have confided in me, but let me reassure you that you have not told me anything that causes me disquiet."

Harry frowned at the man.  "Then perhaps you could explain to me why your 'former' Death Eater is conspiring with the son of a senior Death Eater and this doesn't seem to bother you.  You'll recall that you DID promise to keep me appraised of all of Tom's activities."


Chapter 19

Ron was poisoned and is now in the Hospital Wing.

"Er-my-nee," croaked Ron unexpectedly from between them.

Harry's lip twitched.  "Looks like Ron has been taking pronunciation lessons from Victor."


Chapter 19

Hagrid, Hermione, and Harry are discussing whether Dumbledore knows who Ron's poisoner may be.

"Hasn't he got any ideas, Hagrid?" asked Hermione desperately.

"I 'spect he's got hundreds of ideas, brain like his," said Hagrid.

"Wrong question," Harry interrupted.  "Let me rephrase.  Does he have any useful ideas that don't include tormenting me with tidbits of clues, crazily colored robes, or lemon drops, but do include capturing and-or punishing the bad guys?  Though, truthfully that does seem to be against his usual modus operandi."


Chapter 19

Harry has ordered Kreacher to spy on Malfoy.

"And don't tell anyone what you're doing.  Just stick to Malfoy like a couple of wart plasters."

Ron made a face.  "Thanks for that mental image, Harry."


Chapter 20

Dumbledore is asking if Harry has gotten the Horcrux memory from Slughorn.

"And you feel that you have exerted your very best efforts in the matter, do you?  That you have exercised all of your considerable ingenuity?"

"Ever so sorry, sir, but who is generally regarded as the more clever?  The sixth year Gryffindor student or the 160 year old headmaster who is regarded as the most powerful living wizard, Supreme Mugwump of the I.C.W. and Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot?"


Chapter 20

Dumbledore and Harry in one of the "understand young Tom Riddle" lessons.

"I must quickly recount how Lord Voldemort left Hogwarts."

"Well, I'd assumed he walked out the front gates, but if you told me he skipped or sauntered, I'll have to re-evaluate my opinion of him."


Chapter 20

Tom Riddle applied to teach at Hogwarts.

"He wanted to stay here?  Why?" asked Harry, more amazed still.

Dumbledore gave him a stern look.  "I'll have you know that Hogwarts has an excellent benefits package for the professors, including health, life, and dental insurance."


Chapter 20

Tom Riddle applied to teach at Hogwarts.

"But he didn't get the job, sir?"

Dumbledore appeared momentarily startled.  "Oh, heavens no!  He wasn't nearly good enough.  His education was far too poor for our requirements."


Chapter 20

Harry and Dumbledore discussing Hokey the elf's conviction and execution.

"And, just as with Morfin, the Ministry was predisposed to suspect Hokey -"

"Must have been her suspicious name."


Chapter 20

Voldemort applies for a job with Headmaster Dumbledore.

Voldemort's expression remained impassive as he said, "Greatness inspires envy, envy engenders spite, spite spawns lies."

"Yes, yes, and pain leads to suffering.  I've heard it before, Yoda wannabe."


Chapter 21

Ron, Harry, and Hermione are discussing Ron's going out with Lavender.

"But the more I hint I want to finish it, the tighter she holds on.  It's like going out with the giant squid."

"That'd be interesting, "Harry said in a teasing voice.  "Hundreds of suckers and all."

"Not to mention slimy," Hermione added.


Chapter 22

Harry, Ron, and Hermione are discussing ways to get Slughorn's memory.

"Felix Felicis?" Harry asked.  "I dunno . . .  I was sort of saving it . . ."

"What for?" demanded Ron incredulously.

"What on earth is more important than this memory, Harry?" asked Hermione.

Harry gave her an aggravated look.  "Maybe dueling Voldemort?" he asked sarcastically.


Chapter 23

Sir Nicholas and Harry are discussing Dumbledore's comings and goings.

"I had it from the Bloody Baron, who saw him arrive," said Nick.

"Where is he?" said Harry, his heart leaping.

"Oh, groaning and clanking up in the Astronomy Tower, it's a favorite pastime of his."

Harry blinked hard.  "The Headmaster likes groaning and clanking on the Astronomy Tower?  I should probably let the School Board know that.  Probably Madam Pomfrey, too."


Chapter 23

Dumbledore and Harry are discussing Horcruxes.

"He made seven Horcruxes?" said Harry, horror-struck.  He tilted his head in thought for a moment.  "Better than thirteen, I suppose."


Chapter 23

Dumbledore and Harry are discussing Horcruxes.

"I am sure that he was intending to make his final Horcrux with your death."

Harry snorted.  "That's awfully presumptuous of you.  After all, the pureblood Neville Longbottom was just as valid an answer as the half-blood Harry Potter at that point.  Or maybe he was planning on using Trevor the toad instead?"


Chapter 23

Dumbledore and Harry are discussing the prophecy.

"So when the prophecy says that I'll have 'power the Dark Lord knows not,' it just means - love?" asked Harry, feeling a little let down.

"Yes - just love," said Dumbledore.

Harry rolled his eyes.  "Ah.  So do you think I should try to serenade him?  Hug him?  Try to seduce him, maybe?  I dunno about you, but the idea of seducing another guy isn't exactly my thing."


Chapter 23

Dumbledore and Harry are discussing the prophecy.

"You are setting too much store by the prophecy!"

Harry gave him an annoyed look.  "I am setting too much store in it?  Headmaster, explain to me why you suggested my parents went under the Fidelius Charm.  Why have you spent so much time and effort locking me into a prison to protect me from Voldemort and his deez?  You did all that due to the prophecy, so don't tell me that I'm setting too much store in the bloody thing.  You've determined my whole goddamned LIFE by that very same prophecy!"


Chapter 23

Dumbledore is trying to convince Harry that his "power" is the power of love.

"You are protected, in short, by your ability to love!" said Dumbledore loudly.  "The only protection that can possibly work against the lure of power like Voldemort's!  In spite of all the temptation you have endured, all the suffering -"

Dumbledore's rant was cut off by Harry's cold voice.  "Suffering instigated and enabled by you, you manipulative old bastard."


Chapter 23

Harry and Dumbledore are talking about Harry's fate to kill Voldemort.

"Got to?" said Dumbledore.  "Of course you've got to!  But not because of the prophecy!  Because you, yourself, will never rest until you've tried!"

"Now you're telling me what my motives are?" Harry asked mockingly.  "I guess you don't believe much in free will, huh?"


Chapter 24

Ron, Harry, and Hermione are talking during Charms class instead of doing the assignment.

"Now, now, boys," squeaked Professor Flitwick reproachfully.  "A little less talk, a little more action . . . Let me see you try."

Harry gave him a stern look.  "Sir, if Hermione would let me have a little more action, I assure you that you would not see me try!"


Chapter 25

Ron and Ginny are discussing Ginny's dating habits.

"And just as long as you don't start snogging each other in public -"

Ginny cut her brother off.  "So you'd rather we snogged in private then?" she asked sweetly.


Chapter 25

Trelawney is talking with Harry about her applying for the Divination job.

" . . . but then we were rudely interrupted by Severus Snape!"

"He caught you and Dumbledore in a compromising position, did he?"


Chapter 25

Dumbledore is speaking to an upset Harry.

"Harry, you were never a good Occlumens -"

"Your pet Death Eater guaranteed that and besides, you never believed in giving me any mental privacy, have you?  Sir."


Chapter 26

Harry and Dumbledore are going into the cave after a Horcrux.

"This is merely the antechamber, the entrance hall," said Dumbledore after a moment or two.  "We need to penetrate the inner place -"

Harry interrupted sarcastically, "Wow, that sounds like fun, Headmaster, but you're not my type."


Chapter 26

Harry and Dumbledore are trying to retrieve the locket.

"This potion cannot be penetrated by hand, Vanished, parted, scooped up, or siphoned away, nor can it be Transfigured, Charmed, or otherwise made to change its nature."

Almost absentmindedly, Dumbledore raised his wand again, twirled it once in midair, and then caught the crystal goblet that he had conjured out of nowhere.

"I can only conclude that this potion is supposed to be drunk."

Harry looked at him skeptically.  "Uh, huh.  And how do you drink it from that goblet without having scooped it up?  If you do get it into the goblet, why not pour it out?

"How about some other ideas: drill a hole and drain the basin from the bottom or side.  Heat the entire pedestal and boil it off.  Slice the pedestal in half lengthwise.

"Sir, it seems to me that you're determined to drink it without listening to any other advice from me.

"Hell, you could Summon it!  We know that works!

"Are you trying to go out in a blaze of foolish glory?"


Chapter 26

Harry and Dumbledore are escaping the cave.

"I am not worried, Harry," said Dumbledore, his voice a little stronger despite the freezing water.  "I am with you."

Harry gave him a bitter laugh even as he continued to swim.  "Then you are senile or simply a fool.  I'm an undereducated student of magic with low self esteem and almost no self-confidence.  If I had just drunk a dozen goblets of an unknown potion and was barely able to stand upright, I sure would hope for more help than me."


Chapter 27

A frightened Malfoy is holding Dumbledore at wandpoint on the Astronomy Tower.

"I'm not afraid!" snarled Malfoy, though he still made no move to hurt Dumbledore.  "It's you who should be scared!"

"Why?" Dumbledore asked serenely.  "You've been pointing a want at my heart for several minutes now, and you have not acted.  Tell me, why should I suddenly be afraid of a spoilt bully who just realized that the real world is a far scarier place than he originally believed?"


Chapter 30

Ron, Hermione, and Harry talking about the Half-Blood Prince's potion book.

"But why didn't he turn you in?"

"He wanted to gloat," Harry bit out.  "He wanted me to owe my potions skill to him, or he wanted me to know that I owe my skill to him.  Take your pick."


Chapter 30

Harry is breaking up with Ginny after the funeral.

"It's for some stupid, noble reason, isn't it?"

"If you want to call your life 'stupid', who am I to argue with you?"


Chapter 30

Harry is breaking up with Ginny after the funeral.

"Well . . . I can't say I'm surprised.  I knew this would happen in the end.  I knew you wouldn't be happy unless you were hunting Voldemort."

Harry interrupted her, "You think that would make me HAPPY?"  He laughed bitterly.  "Proof positive that you don't know shite about me."


Chapter 30

Harry, Ron, and Hermione discussing their next steps.

"I thought I might go back to Godric's Hollow," Harry muttered.  He had had the idea in his head ever since the night of Dumbledore's death.  "For me, it started there, all of it.  I've just got a feeling I need to go there.  And I can visit my parents' graves, I'd like that."

"And then what?" said Ron.

Harry stared at him incredulously for a moment.  "Then I thought I'd join a monastery and take up needlepoint.  What do you think I should do this summer, Ron?" he fairly shouted at his dense friend.

--

The thing is that as I was reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, I noticed something interesting.  JKR put in several snarky comments herself.  The rest of these are take verbatim from the book.


Chapter 8

Ron and Nearly Headless Nick are speaking.

"That's not saying much, seeing as you're already dead," Ron observed.

"Once again, you show all the sensitivity of a blunt axe," said Nearly Headless Nick in affronted tones.


Chapter 9

Snape and Harry in class.

"Yes," said Harry stiffly.

"Yes, sir."

"There's no need to call me 'sir,' Professor."


Chapter 16

During Herbology, Harry and Ron are discussing Snape offer to help in Malfoy's mysterious assignment.

"So Snape was offering to help him?  He was definitely offering to help him?"

"If you ask that once more," said Harry, "I'm going to stick this sprout -"


Chapter 16

Fred and George are teasing Ron about not being able to use magic.

"You wait, when I'm seventeen -"

"I'm sure you'll dazzle us all with hitherto unsuspected magical skills," yawned Fred.


Chapter 16

Fred and George just learned Ron has a girlfriend.

" . . . how did it happen?"

"What d'you mean?"

"Did she have an accident or something?"

"What?"

"Well, how did she sustain such extensive brain damage?"


Chapter 16

Lavender gave Ron a very girly and gaudy necklace for Christmas.

  My Sweetheart

"Nice," Harry said.  "Classy.  You should definitely wear it in front of Fred and George."

"If you tell them," said Ron, shoving the necklace out of sight under his pillow, "I - I - I'll -"

"Stutter at me?"


Chapter 17

Harry is trying to warn Dumbledore about Malfoy and Snape's actions.

"Not of great importance?" repeated Harry incredulously.  "Professor, did you not understand -"

"Yes, Harry, blessed as I am with extraordinary brainpower, I understood everything you told me."


Chapter 19

Harry is in the Hospital Wing after McLaggen hit him with a Bludger.

"You shouldn't overexert yourself for a few hours."

"I don't want to stay here overnight," said Harry angrily, sitting up and throwing back his covers.  "I want to find McLaggen and kill him."

"I'm afraid that would come under the heading of 'overexertion'," said Madam Pomfrey.


Chapter 20

Harry is viewing the memory of Hepzibah Smith and her elf, Hokey.

"How do I look?" said Hepzibah, turning her head to admire the various angles of her face in the mirror.

"Lovely, madam," squeaked Hokey

Harry could only assume that it was down in Hokey's contract that she must lie through her teeth when asked this question.


Chapter 21

Ron, Harry, and Hermione are learning apparition.

"How'd you do, Hermione?" Harry asked.

"Oh, she was perfect, obviously," said Ron before Hermione could answer.  "Perfect deliberation, divination, and desperation or whatever the hell it is."


Chapter 27

Fenrir Greyback faces Dumbledore on the Astronomy Tower.

"Is that you, Fenrir?" asked Dumbledore.

"That's right," rasped the other.  "Pleased to see me, Dumbledore?"

"No, I cannot say that I am."

Follow @Fanficauthors for the fastest updates

Log in using your account with us

Log in/create an account using

Create account

Fields marked with * are mandatory.

%raw(lang-user-errorUsername)

The selected email address is already in use. Please try another.

The selected email address is already in use. Please try another.

Retrieve your password

Simply enter your email address in below, and we will send you an email with a NEW password in it. Once you have logged in, you will be able to change your password to something a little easier to remember.