Snide Comments
Books 1 through 5

Sorcerer's Stone, Chapter 9

Harry has insulted Malfoy, insinuating that Malfoy won't take anyone on without Crabbe and Goyle in attendance.

"I'd take you on anytime on my own," said Malfoy. "Tonight if you want. Wizard's duel. Wands only – no contact. What's the matter? Never heard of a wizard's duel before, I suppose?"

Ron wheeled around, about to respond, but Harry spoke first. "No, actually I haven't," he replied nonchalantly. "The fact that I'm Muggle-raised has clearly eluded your miniscule comprehension."

---

Sorcerer's Stone, Chapter 9

Malfoy has challenged Harry to a wizard's duel.

"What's the matter? Never heard of a wizard's duel before, I suppose?"

"Of course he has," said Ron, wheeling around. "I'm his second, who's yours?"

Malfoy looked at Crabbe and Goyle, sizing them up.

"Crabbe," he said.

"He's the one who can count to twenty, then?" Harry asked casually.

"But only if his socks are off," Ron added. Malfoy fumed. Crabbe glowered.

"Actually, he can probably count to twenty-one," Harry mused.

Ron looked at him, one eyebrow raised in query.

"Of course, he has to be wearing even less than that to get up to twenty-ONE," Harry finished, lightly emphasizing the last word.

"Uh . . ." Goyle said.

---

Chamber of Secrets, Chapter 4

In Flourish and Blotts, Lockhart has just insisted on an impromptu photo shoot with Harry.

"Famous Harry Potter," said Malfoy. "Can't even go into a bookshop without making the front page."

"Believe it or not, Malfoy, I really don't want or seek the notoriety. I'd much rather be a non-entity like you are."

---

Chamber of Secrets, Chapter 6

Colin Creevey just asked Harry if they could take a joint photo and then if Harry could sign it.

"Signed photos? You're giving out signed photos, Potter?"

"Was that a note of excitement in your voice, Malfoy?" Ron asked. "Have you been thinking about this? Are you just hoping you'll be first in line?"

---

Chamber of Secrets, Chapter 13

Malfoy has picked up Riddle's diary that Harry dropped when the Cupid-dwarf tackled him.

"Hand it over, Malfoy," Percy said sternly.

"When I've had a look," said Malfoy, waving the diary tauntingly at Harry.

"On second thought, you can keep it." Harry enjoyed the look of momentary confusion plastered on Malfoy's face before continuing. "Really, feel free to keep it, Malfoy." He moved closer to the other boy and dropped his voice until only Malfoy could possibly hear him. "Besides, you'll never break through the charms that Hermione and I put on it." Stepping back and smiling widely, he spoke up, "Do enjoy your new diary, Malfoy."

---

Chamber of Secrets, Chapter 15

Malfoy is bragging that his father got Dumbledore sacked after the Chamber of Secrets got opened.

"McGonagall won't last long, she's only filling in . . ."

"Daddy going to bring trumped up charges against her, too?" Ron asked loudly.

---

Chamber of Secrets, Chapter 15

Malfoy is suggesting to Snape that he apply for the Headmaster position.

"I'll expect you'd have Father's vote, sir, if you wanted to apply for the job – I'll tell Father you're the best teacher here, sir -"

"An opinion no doubt shared by every Slytherin," Ron muttered to Harry.

"And no-one else," Harry agreed.

---

Chamber of Secrets, Chapter 15

Malfoy is commenting on the terror the opened Chamber of Secrets is causing.

"I'm quite surprised the Mudbloods haven't all packed their bags by now," Malfoy went on. "Bet you five Galleons the next one dies. Pity it wasn't Granger -"

Fighting down his explosive anger, Ron responded, "Of course you wish Hermione would die. That's the only way your class ranking will ever get above the 'Mudblood's', after all."

---

Prisoner of Azkaban, Chapter 6

Malfoy is entertaining the Slytherin table by re-enacting Harry's fainting from the dementor's search of the Hogwart's Express.

As they passed, Malfoy did a ridiculous impression of a swooning fit and there was a roar of laughter.

"You doing re-enactment of the first time your father saw you?" Ron asked.

"No, no, that's the scene when his mother first met his father," Hermione corrected.

Ron shook his head solemnly. "No, that scene would have involved hysterical shrieking and vomiting."

---

Prisoner of Azkaban, Chapter 6

Hagrid thinks the Monster Book of Monsters is funny.

"Oh, tremendously funny!" said Malfoy. "Really witty, giving us books that try and rip our hands off!"

"Pity it didn't work in your case, Malfoy," Harry answered. "It might even have improved your Seeker skills."

---

Prisoner of Azkaban, Chapter 6

Malfoy is commenting on Hagrid teaching.

"God, this place is going to the dogs," said Malfoy loudly.

"Then you'll fit right in, won't you?" Hermione asked calmly.

---

Prisoner of Azkaban, Chapter 6

Malfoy is commenting on Hagrid teaching.

"That oaf teaching classes, my father'll have a fit when I tell him -"

Giving a falsely bright smile, Harry said, "Why, what a wonderful thought, Malfoy!" As all of his fellow Gryffindors were looking at him in horrified amazement, Harry frowned in thought. "But why think small, Malfoy? Wouldn't it be so much better if he had a massive coronary rather than just a little fit?"

---

Prisoner of Azkaban, Chapter 7

Malfoy is goading Harry about Sirius's apparent stalking of Harry.

Malfoy's thin mouth was curving in a mean smile.

"Of course, if it was me," he said quietly, "I'd have done something before now. I wouldn't be staying in school like a good boy, I'd be out there looking for him."

"What are you talking about, Malfoy?" said Ron roughly.

"Well," Hermione said without looking up from helping Neville save his Shrinking Solution, "I can see one of four possibilities of what Malfoy is talking about. One, he's a raving psychotic who would enjoy hunting escaped murderers. Two, he's withholding some piece of information in a pathetic attempt to inflate his own sense of self-worth. Three, he's a liar and is making the whole thing up. Four, he's trying to goad Harry into acting rashly in an attempt to get him injured or killed." She turned to Malfoy and smiled sweetly at him. "Which one or more of those choices is it?"

---

Goblet of Fire, Chapter 11

On the Hogwarts Express, Malfoy is lamenting that he isn't going to Durmstrang Institute.

"Father says Durmstrang takes a far more sensible line than Hogwarts about the Dark Arts. Durmstrang students actually learn them, not just the defense rubbish we do . . ."

As Hermione was shutting the compartment door on Malfoy's voice, Harry commented, "You know, that sounds just too convenient, doesn't it? Durmstrang is teaching its students how to be Death Eaters, but not how to defend themselves from Death Eaters?"

---

Goblet of Fire, Chapter 11

Malfoy just joined the Trio in the Hogwarts Express on the way to school.

"Weasley . . . what is that?" said Malfoy, pointing at Pigwidgeon's cage. A sleeve of Ron's dress robes was dangling from it, swaying with the motion of the train, the moldy lace cuff very obvious.

Hermione stood up, interrupting Ron's half-formed plan for stuffing the second-hand dress robes out of sight. She walked over to the cage and made a grand presentation out of studying it. She turned back to Malfoy and spoke as if to a slow five year-old. "This is an owl, Malfoy. Member of the avian family. Typically used by the wizarding population to deliver post." She paused and cocked her head before finishing in a soft, kind voice. "Did you understand all of that, or should I try again with shorter words?"

---

Goblet of Fire, Chapter 11

Malfoy knows about the Tri-Wizard Tournament, and is tormenting the Trio with his knowledge.

"Don't tell me you don't know?" he said delightedly. "You've got a father and brother at the Ministry and you don't even know? My God, my father told me about it ages ago . . . heard it from Cornelius Fudge. But then, Father's always associated with the top people at the Ministry . . . Maybe your father's too junior to know about it Weasley . . . yes . . . they probably don't talk about important stuff in front of him . . ."

Hermione spoke up, "Or, more likely, Mister Weasley takes his secrecy oath more seriously than your father does, Malfoy." She turned to Harry and continued, "It certainly appears that Arthur Weasley does more to maintain his family name and honor than does Lucius Malfoy, doesn't it?

---

Goblet of Fire, Chapter 13

Malfoy dislikes the Blast-Ended Skewts.

"Well, I can certainly see why we're trying to keep them alive," said Malfoy sarcastically. "Who wouldn't want pets that can burn, sting, and bite all at once?"

"I'm glad you feel that way, Draco," Harry said cheerfully, drawing confused looks from everyone within earshot. "I've got a dozen of them for you for your birthday."

---

Goblet of Fire, Chapter 31

The Slytherins are tormenting Harry after Skeeter's article the morning of the third task.

Over at the Slytherin table, Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle were laughing at him, tapping their heads with their fingers, pulling grotesquely mad faces, and waggling their tongues like snakes.

Grinning slightly, Harry nodded his head toward their table. "Take a look at that. Those three look like they're finally relaxing and starting to act naturally."

---

Order of the Phoenix, Chapter 4

Harry has been ranting at Ron and Hermione just after arriving at the Order's Headquarters.

The door opened and a long mane of red hair appeared.

"Oh hello, Harry!" said Ron's younger sister, Ginny, brightly. "I thought I heard your voice."

Ron whispered to his sister, "No, actually that was his thundering tirade."

---

Order of the Phoenix, Chapter 10

Draco is a prefect but Harry isn't.

"Tell me, how does it feel being second-best to Weasley, Potter?" he asked.

"Not bad at all, actually," Harry said cheerfully. He turned his head slightly. "Tell me, Crabbe, how does it feel being fifty-third behind . . . well, everyone?"

---

Order of the Phoenix, Chapter 12

Hermione is trying to shut down George and Fred's testing of Skiving Snackboxes on first-years.

"Says who?" said George, looking astonished.

"Says me," said Hermione. "And Ron."

"Leave me out of it," said Ron hastily.

Fred turned to his twin brother. "Proof positive that Hermione has bigger balls than our own Ickle-Ronniekins."

---

Order of the Phoenix, Chapter 15

Hermione is reading the Daily Prophet article explaining how Dolores Umbridge was appointed to the DADA post.

"'That's how Dolores Umbridge came to be appointed to the teaching staff at Hogwarts,' said [Percy] Weasley last night. 'Dumbledore couldn't find anyone, so the Minister put in Umbridge and of course, she's been an immediate success –'"

"She's been a WHAT?" said Harry loudly.

"By what measure?" demanded Ron. "According to the Snape Loathing Scale?"

---

Snide Comments
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Chapter 2

Narcissa is trying to talk Severus into performing an Unbreakable Vow while Bellatrix watches.

"Then you ought to hold your tongue!" snarled Bellatrix.  "Particularly in present company!"

"'Present company'?" repeated Snape sardonically.  "And what am I to understand by that, Bellatrix?"

She rolled her eyes.  "I'm worried that Mad-Eye Moody put an Eavesdropping Charm on the wine," she snarked.  "I'm talking about you, you dunderhead!"

Chapter 6

Draco is shopping in Madam Malkin's.

". . . not a child, in case you haven't noticed, Mother.  I am perfectly capable of doing my shopping alone ."

"I see that," Narcissa said coldly.  "With that attitude, you're proving you're far more immature than a child ."

Chapter 6

Madam Malkin is hemming the robe Draco is wearing.

"Watch where you're sticking that pin, will you!"

"Yes, mustn't pop that over-inflated ego," muttered Madam Malkin.  "Such a crime that would be."

Chapter 6

Harry, Ron, and Hermione enter Malkin's shop while Draco and his mother are shopping.

"If you're wondering what the smell is, Mother, a Mudblood just walked in, "said Draco Malfoy.

Ron affected a surprised look.  "Wow.  You must have quite a nose to ferret that out so quickly."

Chapter 7

On the Express, Malfoy's gang is talking about Ginny.

"Even you think she's good-looking, don't you, Blaise, and we all know how hard you are to please!"

Crabbe looked up from his wizarding comic book.  In a dull tone, he asked, "Why do you care?  You're not nearly as good looking as she is, Pansy."

Chapter 8

Snape is escorting a late Harry to Hogwarts.

"I suppose you wanted to make an entrance, did you?"  Snape continued.  "And with no flying car available, you decided that bursting into the Great Hall halfway through the feast to create a dramatic effect."

Harry turned a withering look to the clueless idiot.  Sarcasm dripping from his words, he replied, "Yes.  I wanted to show up late, guaranteeing everyone would turn and see me, blood all over my face and escorted by the one professor everyone knows hates me.  My diabolical plan for adulation and positive attention will work wonderfully, I'm sure."

Chapter 8

Snape is escorting a late Harry to Hogwarts.

"No cloak.  You can walk in so that everyone sees you, which is what you wanted, I'm sure."

Harry rolled his eyes.  "After you spent most of last year rummaging around in my mind, I expected you to grasp at least the most basic facts about me.  Apparently you're incapable of objectively recognizing the obvious, though."

Chapter 13

Harry and Dumbledore are in one of their private lessons.

"Where were you this weekend, sir?" Harry asked.

"I would rather not say just now," said Dumbledore.  "However, I shall tell you in due course."

"You will?" said Harry, startled.

"Yes, because the headmaster of the premier school of witchcraft and wizardry, Supreme Mugwump of the Wizengamot, and Chief Warlock of the International Confederation of Wizards should be required to account for his personal time to a sixteen year old wizard in training, don't you agree?"

Chapter 14

Ron, Harry, and Hermione are speaking during Herbology.

"Hand that over, Harry," said Hermione hurriedly. "It says we're supposed to puncture them with something sharp."

"Think we should use your mind or Snape's tongue?  We certainly can't use Ron's wit."

Chapter 15

Madam Pince has just seen Harry's marked up copy of Advanced Potion-Making.

"Despoiled!" she hissed.  "Desecrated!  Befouled!"

Harry looked at her with a frown.  "By any chance, are you related to Walbruga Black?"

Chapter 15

Ron and Lavender are kissing in the common room.

There was a noise like a plunger being withdrawn from a blocked sink and Ron surfaced.

Considering the noise, Harry fervently hoped that Lavender had indeed jarred something loose from within Ron's head.

Chapter 17

Harry is trying to warn Dumbledore about Malfoy and Snape's actions.

"Again, I am glad that you have confided in me, but let me reassure you that you have not told me anything that causes me disquiet."

Harry frowned at the man.  "Then perhaps you could explain to me why your 'former' Death Eater is conspiring with the son of a senior Death Eater and this doesn't seem to bother you.  You'll recall that you DID promise to keep me appraised of all of Tom's activities."

Chapter 19

Ron was poisoned and is now in the Hospital Wing.

"Er-my-nee," croaked Ron unexpectedly from between them.

Harry's lip twitched.  "Looks like Ron has been taking pronunciation lessons from Victor."

Chapter 19

Hagrid, Hermione, and Harry are discussing whether Dumbledore knows who Ron's poisoner may be.

"Hasn't he got any ideas, Hagrid?" asked Hermione desperately.

"I 'spect he's got hundreds of ideas, brain like his," said Hagrid.

"Wrong question," Harry interrupted.  "Let me rephrase.  Does he have any useful ideas that don't include tormenting me with tidbits of clues, crazily colored robes, or lemon drops, but do include capturing and-or punishing the bad guys?  Though, truthfully that does seem to be against his usual modus operandi ."

Chapter 19

Harry has ordered Kreacher to spy on Malfoy.

"And don't tell anyone what you're doing.  Just stick to Malfoy like a couple of wart plasters."

Ron made a face.  "Thanks for that mental image, Harry."

Chapter 20

Dumbledore is asking if Harry has gotten the Horcrux memory from Slughorn.

"And you feel that you have exerted your very best efforts in the matter, do you?  That you have exercised all of your considerable ingenuity?"

"Ever so sorry, sir, but who is generally regarded as the more clever?  The sixth year Gryffindor student or the 160 year old headmaster who is regarded as the most powerful living wizard, Supreme Mugwump of the I.C.W. and Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot?"

Chapter 20

Dumbledore and Harry in one of the "understand young Tom Riddle" lessons.

"I must quickly recount how Lord Voldemort left Hogwarts."

"Well, I'd assumed he walked out the front gates, but if you told me he skipped or sauntered, I'll have to re-evaluate my opinion of him."

Chapter 20

Tom Riddle applied to teach at Hogwarts.

"He wanted to stay here?  Why?" asked Harry, more amazed still.

Dumbledore gave him a stern look.  "I'll have you know that Hogwarts has an excellent benefits package for the professors, including health, life, and dental insurance."

Chapter 20

Tom Riddle applied to teach at Hogwarts.

"But he didn't get the job, sir?"

Dumbledore appeared momentarily startled.  "Oh, heavens no!  He wasn't nearly good enough.  His education was far too poor for our requirements."

Chapter 20

Harry and Dumbledore discussing Hokey the elf's conviction and execution.

"And, just as with Morfin, the Ministry was predisposed to suspect Hokey -"

"Must have been her suspicious name."

Chapter 20

Voldemort applies for a job with Headmaster Dumbledore.

Voldemort's expression remained impassive as he said, "Greatness inspires envy, envy engenders spite, spite spawns lies."

"Yes, yes, and pain leads to suffering.  I've heard it before, Yoda wannabe."

Chapter 21

Ron, Harry, and Hermione are discussing Ron's going out with Lavender.

"But the more I hint I want to finish it, the tighter she holds on.  It's like going out with the giant squid."

"That'd be interesting, "Harry said in a teasing voice.  "Hundreds of suckers and all."

"Not to mention slimy," Hermione added.

Chapter 22

Harry, Ron, and Hermione are discussing ways to get Slughorn's memory.

"Felix Felicis?" Harry asked.  "I dunno . . .  I was sort of saving it . . ."

"What for?" demanded Ron incredulously.

"What on earth is more important than this memory, Harry?" asked Hermione.

Harry gave her an aggravated look.  "Maybe dueling Voldemort?" he asked sarcastically.

Chapter 23

Sir Nicholas and Harry are discussing Dumbledore's comings and goings.

"I had it from the Bloody Baron, who saw him arrive," said Nick.

"Where is he?" said Harry, his heart leaping.

"Oh, groaning and clanking up in the Astronomy Tower, it's a favorite pastime of his."

Harry blinked hard.  "The Headmaster likes groaning and clanking on the Astronomy Tower?  I should probably let the School Board know that.  Probably Madam Pomfrey, too."

Chapter 23

Dumbledore and Harry are discussing Horcruxes.

"He made seven Horcruxes?" said Harry, horror-struck.  He tilted his head in thought for a moment.  "Better than thirteen, I suppose."

Chapter 23

Dumbledore and Harry are discussing Horcruxes.

"I am sure that he was intending to make his final Horcrux with your death."

Harry snorted.  "That's awfully presumptuous of you.  After all, the pureblood Neville Longbottom was just as valid an answer as the half-blood Harry Potter at that point.  Or maybe he was planning on using Trevor the toad instead?"

Chapter 23

Dumbledore and Harry are discussing the prophecy.

"So when the prophecy says that I'll have 'power the Dark Lord knows not,' it just means - love?" asked Harry, feeling a little let down.

"Yes - just love," said Dumbledore.

Harry rolled his eyes.  "Ah.  So do you think I should try to serenade him?  Hug him?  Try to seduce him, maybe?  I dunno about you, but the idea of seducing another guy isn't exactly my thing."

Chapter 23

Dumbledore and Harry are discussing the prophecy.

"You are setting too much store by the prophecy!"

Harry gave him an annoyed look.  " I am setting too much store in it?  Headmaster, explain to me why you suggested my parents went under the Fidelius Charm.  Why have you spent so much time and effort locking me into a prison to protect me from Voldemort and his deez?  You did all that due to the prophecy, so don't tell me that I'm setting too much store in the bloody thing.  You've determined my whole goddamned LIFE by that very same prophecy!"

Chapter 23

Dumbledore is trying to convince Harry that his "power" is the power of love.

"You are protected, in short, by your ability to love!" said Dumbledore loudly.  "The only protection that can possibly work against the lure of power like Voldemort's!  In spite of all the temptation you have endured, all the suffering -"

Dumbledore's rant was cut off by Harry's cold voice.  "Suffering instigated and enabled by you, you manipulative old bastard."

Chapter 23

Harry and Dumbledore are talking about Harry's fate to kill Voldemort.

"Got to?" said Dumbledore.  "Of course you've got to!  But not because of the prophecy!  Because you, yourself, will never rest until you've tried!"

"Now you're telling me what my motives are?" Harry asked mockingly.  "I guess you don't believe much in free will, huh?"

Chapter 24

Ron, Harry, and Hermione are talking during Charms class instead of doing the assignment.

"Now, now, boys," squeaked Professor Flitwick reproachfully.  "A little less talk, a little more action . . . Let me see you try."

Harry gave him a stern look.  "Sir, if Hermione would let me have a little more action, I assure you that you would not see me try!"

Chapter 25

Ron and Ginny are discussing Ginny's dating habits.

"And just as long as you don't start snogging each other in public -"

Ginny cut her brother off.  "So you'd rather we snogged in private then?" she asked sweetly.

Chapter 25

Trelawney is talking with Harry about her applying for the Divination job.

" . . . but then we were rudely interrupted by Severus Snape!"

"He caught you and Dumbledore in a compromising position, did he?"

Chapter 25

Dumbledore is speaking to an upset Harry.

"Harry, you were never a good Occlumens -"

"Your pet Death Eater guaranteed that and besides, you never believed in giving me any mental privacy, have you?  Sir. "

Chapter 26

Harry and Dumbledore are going into the cave after a Horcrux.

"This is merely the antechamber, the entrance hall," said Dumbledore after a moment or two.  "We need to penetrate the inner place -"

Harry interrupted sarcastically, "Wow, that sounds like fun, Headmaster, but you're not my type."

Chapter 26

Harry and Dumbledore are trying to retrieve the locket.

"This potion cannot be penetrated by hand, Vanished, parted, scooped up, or siphoned away, nor can it be Transfigured, Charmed, or otherwise made to change its nature."

Almost absentmindedly, Dumbledore raised his wand again, twirled it once in midair, and then caught the crystal goblet that he had conjured out of nowhere.

"I can only conclude that this potion is supposed to be drunk."

Harry looked at him skeptically.  "Uh, huh.  And how do you drink it from that goblet without having scooped it up?  If you do get it into the goblet, why not pour it out?

"How about some other ideas: drill a hole and drain the basin from the bottom or side.  Heat the entire pedestal and boil it off.  Slice the pedestal in half lengthwise.

"Sir, it seems to me that you're determined to drink it without listening to any other advice from me.

"Hell, you could Summon it!  We know that works!

"Are you trying to go out in a blaze of foolish glory?"

Chapter 26

Harry and Dumbledore are escaping the cave.

"I am not worried, Harry," said Dumbledore, his voice a little stronger despite the freezing water.  "I am with you."

Harry gave him a bitter laugh even as he continued to swim.  "Then you are senile or simply a fool.  I'm an undereducated student of magic with low self esteem and almost no self-confidence.  If I had just drunk a dozen goblets of an unknown potion and was barely able to stand upright, I sure would hope for more help than me."

Chapter 27

A frightened Malfoy is holding Dumbledore at wandpoint on the Astronomy Tower.

"I'm not afraid!" snarled Malfoy, though he still made no move to hurt Dumbledore.  "It's you who should be scared!"

"Why?" Dumbledore asked serenely.  "You've been pointing a want at my heart for several minutes now, and you have not acted.  Tell me, why should I suddenly be afraid of a spoilt bully who just realized that the real world is a far scarier place than he originally believed?"

Chapter 30

Ron, Hermione, and Harry talking about the Half-Blood Prince's potion book.

"But why didn't he turn you in?"

"He wanted to gloat," Harry bit out.  "He wanted me to owe my potions skill to him, or he wanted me to know that I owe my skill to him.  Take your pick."

Chapter 30

Harry is breaking up with Ginny after the funeral.

"It's for some stupid, noble reason, isn't it?"

"If you want to call your life 'stupid', who am I to argue with you?"

Chapter 30

Harry is breaking up with Ginny after the funeral.

"Well . . . I can't say I'm surprised.  I knew this would happen in the end.  I knew you wouldn't be happy unless you were hunting Voldemort."

Harry interrupted her, "You think that would make me HAPPY?"  He laughed bitterly.  "Proof positive that you don't know shite about me."

Chapter 30

Harry, Ron, and Hermione discussing their next steps.

"I thought I might go back to Godric's Hollow," Harry muttered.  He had had the idea in his head ever since the night of Dumbledore's death.  "For me, it started there, all of it.  I've just got a feeling I need to go there.  And I can visit my parents' graves, I'd like that."

"And then what?" said Ron.

Harry stared at him incredulously for a moment.  "Then I thought I'd join a monastery and take up needlepoint.  What do you think I should do this summer, Ron?" he fairly shouted at his dense friend.

--

The thing is that as I was reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, I noticed something interesting.  JKR put in several snarky comments herself.  The rest of these are take verbatim from the book.

Chapter 8

Ron and Nearly Headless Nick are speaking.

"That's not saying much, seeing as you're already dead," Ron observed.

"Once again, you show all the sensitivity of a blunt axe," said Nearly Headless Nick in affronted tones.

Chapter 9

Snape and Harry in class.

"Yes," said Harry stiffly.

"Yes, sir."

"There's no need to call me 'sir,' Professor."

Chapter 16

During Herbology, Harry and Ron are discussing Snape offer to help in Malfoy's mysterious assignment.

"So Snape was offering to help him?  He was definitely offering to help him? "

"If you ask that once more," said Harry, "I'm going to stick this sprout -"

Chapter 16

Fred and George are teasing Ron about not being able to use magic.

"You wait, when I'm seventeen -"

"I'm sure you'll dazzle us all with hitherto unsuspected magical skills," yawned Fred.

Chapter 16

Fred and George just learned Ron has a girlfriend.

" . . . how did it happen?"

"What d'you mean?"

"Did she have an accident or something?"

"What?"

"Well, how did she sustain such extensive brain damage?"

Chapter 16

Lavender gave Ron a very girly and gaudy necklace for Christmas.

  My Sweetheart

"Nice," Harry said.  "Classy.  You should definitely wear it in front of Fred and George."

"If you tell them," said Ron, shoving the necklace out of sight under his pillow, "I - I - I'll -"

"Stutter at me?"

Chapter 17

Harry is trying to warn Dumbledore about Malfoy and Snape's actions.

"Not of great importance?" repeated Harry incredulously.  "Professor, did you not understand -"

"Yes, Harry, blessed as I am with extraordinary brainpower, I understood everything you told me."

Chapter 19

Harry is in the Hospital Wing after McLaggen hit him with a Bludger.

"You shouldn't overexert yourself for a few hours."

"I don't want to stay here overnight," said Harry angrily, sitting up and throwing back his covers.  "I want to find McLaggen and kill him."

"I'm afraid that would come under the heading of 'overexertion'," said Madam Pomfrey.

Chapter 20

Harry is viewing the memory of Hepzibah Smith and her elf, Hokey.

"How do I look?" said Hepzibah, turning her head to admire the various angles of her face in the mirror.

"Lovely, madam," squeaked Hokey

Harry could only assume that it was down in Hokey's contract that she must lie through her teeth when asked this question.

Chapter 21

Ron, Harry, and Hermione are learning apparition.

"How'd you do, Hermione?" Harry asked.

"Oh, she was perfect, obviously," said Ron before Hermione could answer.  "Perfect deliberation, divination, and desperation or whatever the hell it is."

Chapter 27

Fenrir Greyback faces Dumbledore on the Astronomy Tower.

"Is that you, Fenrir?" asked Dumbledore.

"That's right," rasped the other.  "Pleased to see me, Dumbledore?"

"No, I cannot say that I am."

Snide Comments
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Chapter 1

Death Eater meeting in progress.

"My Lord," said a dark woman halfway down the table, her voice constricted with emotion, "it is an honor to have you here, in our family's house. There can be no higher pleasure."

Snape leaned over to Yaxley and muttered, "Rather says something about Rudolph's skills in the bedroom, does it not?"

---

Chapter 1

Death Eater meeting in progress.

Voldemort continues his rant, "We shall cut away the canker that infects us until only those of the true blood remain."

Lucius rolled his eyes and said, "Which, I'm sure, won't have any adverse affects on our inbreeding problems."

---

Chapter 1

Voldemort has just killed Professor Charity Burbage.

"Dinner, Nagini," said Voldemort softly. As the great snake moved toward the still warm body, Voldemort's face contorted into a ghoulish grin and he said, "Let all my nay-sayers take note: I can give Charity ."

---

Chapter 3

Vernon Dursley wants to speak with Harry.

Vernon roared, "Get down here. I want a word!"

"Merlin knows you'll need more than one to fill that empty space atop your neck," Harry observed.

---

Chapter 3

The Order is trying to convince the Dursleys to move, but aren't having much success.

"I've changed my mind," Vernon said.

"I bet you had to pay a fortune in upgrade costs."

---

Chapter 3

Vernon is convinced there is a "plot" to get him to move.

"Are you out of your mind?" demanded Harry. "A plot to get the house? Are you actually as stupid as you look?" Harry theatrically waved a hand. "Ah, what am I asking? Impressive as it is, you all are in fact far dumber that you look." After a moment of contemplation, Harry amended, "Except Dudley. If he were that dumb, he wouldn't know how to breath."

---

Chapter 4

Moody is explaining the escape plan to Harry.

"Now, your mother's charm will only break under two conditions: when you come of age, or," Moody gestured around the pristine kitchen, "when you no longer call this place home. You and your aunt and uncle are going your separate ways tonight, in the full understanding that you're never going to live together again, correct?"

Harry nodded and turned his head. "Hey, Gred and Forge? If all of that is true, how'd you two do so much magic at the Burrow before you turned seventeen?"

---

Chapter 4

The Polyjuice has just been keyed to Harry.

"Ooh, you look much tastier than Crabbe and Goyle, Harry," said Hermione.

Harry leered at her. "Thank you. We can confirm that theory later."

---

Chapter 4

Six Order members have just turned into polyjuiced Harry Potters.

Harry turned to the one on the far left. "Well, here's your chance, Ron."

"Whazzat?" asked Ron-Harry.

"You've always wanted to be me. Here's your chance. Just be careful as you may get shot at tonight. And then there's the stalker fan-girls and the attacks by the Prophet . Other than that, enjoy your chance to be the world-famous Boy-Who-Lived."

---

Chapter 4

Fleur has just been polyjuiced into Harry.

"Bah," said Fleur, checking herself in the microwave door. "Bill, don't look at me. I'm 'ideous."

Harry scowled at the woman who currently was a perfect copy of him. "Thank you for that concise description of my appearance, Ms. Delacour."

---

Chapter 5

Tonks has just showed up at the Burrow after the escape.

"So what kept you? What happened?" Lupin sounded almost angry at Tonks.

" What happened? Oh, we stopped for a spot of tea at the Leakey. What the bloody hell do you think happened?" Tonks bellowed at her hovering boyfriend.

---

Chapter 5

Remus and Bill just left to recover Moody's remains.

"I've got to go, too," said Harry.

Ten pairs of startled eyes look at him.

"Don't be silly, Harry," said Mrs. Weasley. "What are you talking about?"

Harry gave her a strange look. "I've got to go to the loo. What did you think I was talking about?"

---

Chapter 5

Harry finally meets up with Ron and Hermione after the escape.

"Are you all right?" Hermione asked, close enough now to look into Harry's face. "You look awful!"

Harry rolled his eyes. "I can't imagine why. Not like we had a running firefight over half of Surrey tonight or anything."

---

Chapter 6

Molly Weasley is trying to interrogate Harry about his plans.

"May I ask why you are abandoning your education?" asked Mrs. Weasley.

"I realized I could make far more in the adult film industry. I've two films lined up so far. Hot, Horny Harry in Hawaii , and Banging Buxom Babes in the Bahamas ."

---

Chapter 6

Molly Weasley is trying to interrogate Harry about his plans.

"Well, Dumbledore left me . . . stuff to do," mumbled Harry. "Ron and Hermione know about it, and they want to come, too."

"What sort of 'stuff'?"

"Dumbledore wants us to join the freak show at the carnival. He said something about it being valuable work experience."

---

Chapter 7

Ron and Harry are trying to identify Gregorovitch.

"I think Voldemort's looking for him."

"Poor bloke," said Ron fervently.

"We're assuming it's a bloke, though. For all we know, it could be his favorite pair of boxers."

---

Chapter 7

Ron just gave Harry a birthday present.

"This isn't your average book," said Ron. "It's pure gold: Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches . Explains everything you need to know about girls."

"And you're an expert on relationships with witches, Won-won?"

---

Chapter 7

Minister Scrimgeour is speaking with the trio about Dumbledore's bequests.

"Dumbledore must have taught thousands of students," Scrimgeour persevered. "You the only ones he remembered in his will are you three. Why is that?"

Hermione's eyebrows rose. "You mean he didn't leave anything to Professor McGonagall? He taught her, you know. Come to that, he's taught everyone in Britain for the past six generations or so, hasn't he?"

---

Chapter 7

The trio is taking about what they received from Dumbledore.

"If these things were important enough to pass on right under the nose of the Ministry, you'd think he'd have let us know why . . . unless he thought it was obvious?"

Harry shook his head in disgust. "Why actually tell us when he could be cryptic, obstructionist, and obtuse instead?"

---

Chapter 9

The trio just escaped from the wedding.

Ron looked around. "Don’t you feel a bit - exposed?"

Hermione looks down for a moment. "Nope, no wardrobe malfunctions, here."

---

Chapter 9

The trio talking about the Trace on Harry.

"The Trace breaks at seventeen. That's wizarding law. You can't put it on an adult."

Hermione sneered at him. "And as we know the Death Eaters wouldn't ever break the law, then that can't possibly be it, right?"

---

Chapter 12

The trio talks about Harry's Occlumency lessons.

"Hermione, I can't. You know I'm lousy at Occlumency; I never got the hang of it."

"You never really tried!" she said hotly.

Harry snarled back, "How good do you think you would do with Snape bashing at your brain like a vindictive ogre and not one shred of actual instruction?"

---

Chapter 12

A morning at Grimmauld.

"You look terrible," was Ron's greeting.

"Can't imagine why. Not like I have the fate of human civilization riding on my shoulders or anything."

---

Chapter 12

The trio talk about Kreacher after the elf promised them lunch.

"Bless him," said Ron fondly, "and when you think I used to fantasize about cutting off his head and sticking it on the wall."

Hermione didn't even look over. "I think the same of you. Often."

---

Chapter 13

Delores Umbridge is speaking with the polyjuiced Hermione and Harry.

"We'll go straight down, Mafalda. You'll find everything you need in the courtroom. Good morning, Albert. Aren't you getting out?"

In his borrowed deep voice, Harry lamented, "If I only could get out. Out of this country, out of this nightmare, out of this conversation, out of this . . . Well, you get the idea."

---

Chapter 13

Polyjuiced Hermione is watching the trial of a suspected muggleborn witch.

"They're frightened, they think I might not come home -"

"Spare us," spat Yaxley. "The brats of Mudbloods do not stir our sympathies."

"I'll remember that at your trial," Hermione muttered.

---

Chapter 14

The trio is discussing the fate of the muggleborns at the hands of the Ministry.

"Blimey, I hope they escaped," said Ron. "I didn't get the feeling Reg Cattermole was all that quick-witted, though, the way everyone was talking to me when I was him."

"Should've felt perfectly natural for you then, shouldn't it?"

---

Chapter 14

The trio is discussing what to do with the locket.

"What are we going to do with it?" Hermione asked.

Ron waved one hand languidly. "Oh, I thought I'd build a shrine and sacrifice a few children to it."

---

Chapter 14

Hermione is chastising Harry who has had another vision.

"If you just learned to apply Occlumency -"

"Forgive me for failing to learn the world's most difficult mental magical art from a sadistic bastard who not only hates me with an unholy rage but is quite probably the single worst teacher in the entire history of Hogwarts!"

---

Chapter 15

Ron is about to leave the other two.

"I get it. You choose him."

Hermione rolled her eyes at him. "No, I choose to try to save the entire world rather than run home when I'm hungry, whiney, bored, and scared that my sister isn't safe enough while at school."

---

Chapter 15

Ron has just left the other two.

"He's g-g-gone! Disapparated!"

"Good! I thought he'd never leave. Where'd you hide that bottle of champagne, Hermione?"

---

Chapter 16

Harry and Hermione are discussing Grindelwald's symbol.

"And you'd think Scrimgeour would have recognized it. He was Minister, he ought to have been expert on Dark stuff." Before the thought had even finished, Harry rolled his eyes and continued, "Just being a politician , you'd think would make him an expert on Dark stuff."

---

Chapter 16

Harry and Hermione are discussing locations for Gryffindor's sword.

"Harry, what if Bathilda's got the sword ? What if Dumbledore entrusted it to her?"

"Sure hope not. His track record for trusting the right people is kind of spotty, don't you think?"

---

Chapter 19

Ron and Harry are discussing the doe patronus they saw.

"My patronus is a stag."

"Oh yeah. I thought it looked different."

Hermione snorted. "Congratulations. You're even more dense than I thought, which I didn't heretofore believe possible."

Ron looked equal parts affronted and confused. "Hey, now. What're you on about?"

"You just admitted that you can't tell the difference between boys and girls, Ron," Harry explained patiently.

---

Chapter 19

Harry wants Ron to destroy the locket with the sword.

"I can't do it, Harry!"

Harry nodded. "At least you're honest enough with yourself to realize you're weak-minded and easily influenced by evil, inanimate objects."

---

Chapter 19

Harry and Ron are trying to destroy the locket Horcrux.

Then a voice hissed from out of the Horcrux. " I have seen your heart, and it is mine ."

"No, actually," Harry calmly denied, "his heart is ruled by his ego and his stomach, not you."

---

Chapter 19

Ron has returned and is trying to apologize.

"I'm sorry," he said in a thick voice. "I'm sorry I left. I know I was a - a -"

"Oh, I'd better sit down. It'll take me awhile to figure how just how to finish that sentence," Harry observed.

---

Chapter 19

Harry has just accepted Ron's apology.

"And now," said Harry as they broke apart, "all we've got to do is find the tent again."

Ron's eyes widened. "You lost it? It's only the size of a bloody house; how'd you lose it?"

---

Chapter 19

Ron is having a difficult time apologizing to Hermione.

"I came running after you! I called you! I begged you to come back!"

Harry turned to Ron in amazement. "She begged you to do something and you didn't? Wow, you're an even bigger arse than I thought, and I already thought you were a pretty big arse."

---

Chapter 20

Ron is explaining the Taboo.

"Now they've put a Taboo on it, anyone says it is trackable - quick-and-easy way to find Order members!"

Harry frowned. "You'd think that Dumbledore would've mentioned it when he encouraged everyone to say it!"

Hermione shook her head. "This just doesn't make sense. Why not add, 'You-Know-Who' and 'Dumbledore' and maybe 'Order of the Phoenix' if they're after Order members? For that matter, if setting a Taboo on words is possible, why didn't the Department of Law Enforcement set them on the Unforgivables ages ago?"

---

Chapter 20

The trio are talking about the Hallows.

"Why wouldn't he just hand us the sword?"

"Search me," said Ron. "Same reason he didn't give it to you while he was alive? Same reason he left you an old Snitch and Hermione a book of kids' stories?"

"Which is what?" asked Harry, turning to look Ron full in the face, desperate for the answer.

"More long, drawn out trials and tribulations for you, obviously. Why make it easy on the boy hero when he can instead make everything ten times more difficult every step of the way? What kind of eccentric and exasperating mentor do you take him for, anyway?"

---

Chapter 20

The trio are talking about Dumbledore.

"We keep trying to convince ourselves Dumbledore left us secret signs and clues -"

"Well, he certainly didn't leave us a clear set of instructions. I'd rather think he left us some information than think he set us off on a wild snitch chase."

---

Chapter 21

Xenophilius Lovegood is aggravating Hermione.

"I mean, you could claim that anything's real if the only basis for believing in it is that nobody's proved it doesn't exist!"

"Yes, you could," said Xenophilius. "I am glad to see that you are opening your mind a little."

Ron shook his head. "I'm afraid that she isn't. Your method of debate is simply too awe-inspiring for her tiny, feeble mind to comprehend."

---

Chapter 21

The trio are discussing the Elder Wand.

"Wands are only as powerful as the wizards who use them. Some wizards just like to boast that theirs are bigger and better than other people's."

Ron's eyebrows rose. "Yes, some wizards like to boast about their wands, but I never took you to be the kind of girl to listen to such things, Hermione."

---

Chapter 22

The trio has just escaped the Rookery and Ron wonders why Hermione threw the Invisibility Cloak over him.

"Why hide me, though?" asked Ron.

Harry shrugged. "Beats me. If you're so upset by it, why don't you go back and help Travers and Selwyn clean up?"

Hermione shook her head. "Actually, I was just tired of looking at his ugly mug."

---

Chapter 22

The trio is talking about Xenophilius's story of the Hallows.

"Well, I don't suppose it matters," sighed Hermione. "Even if he was being honest, I never heard such a lot of nonsense in all my life."

Harry's mouth quirked into a smile. "How about a scrawny pre-teen waving a stick with a feather in it and turning a pincushion into a porcupine?"

---

Chapter 22

The trio is talking about the Hallows and how to properly learn their story.

"But you said it, Hermione! You've got to find out about them for yourself! It's a Quest!"

"Because a dying old man who is trying to save the world would rather send you on a Quest instead of telling you what you needed to know?"

---

Chapter 23

Early in the fight in Malfoy Manor.

Harry yelled, " Stupefy !" and Lucius Malfoy collapsed onto the hearth.

At a momentary pause, Hermione asked, "A stunner? We're in a fight for our very lives against inner circle Death Eaters and you stun them?!"

---

Chapter 23

Later in the fight in Malfoy Manor.

Harry leapt over an armchair and wrested the three wands from Draco's grip, pointed all of them at Greyback, and yelled, " Stupefy !"

Ron stopped trying to dig Hermione out of the wreckage just long enough to turn to Harry. Incredulously, he yelled, "AGAIN with a stunner?"

---

Chapter 24

Harry has finished burying Dobby and is now speaking with Griphook.

"You are an unusual wizard, Harry Potter."

"This is news?" Ron asked.

Hermione nodded in agreement. "We've been telling people that for years."

---

Chapter 24

Griphook and the trio are debating goblin rights.

"The right to carry a wand," said the goblin quietly, "has long been contested between wizards and goblins."

"Well, goblins can do magic without wands," said Ron.

Griphook's smirk blossomed. "You prove my point. You wand-carriers can also do magic without wands, yet all of you choose not to do so. More importantly, you do not give us that choice."

---

Chapter 24

The trio is speaking with Griphook about the Lestrange vault.

"But the fake sword isn't the only thing in that vault, is it?" asked Harry. "Perhaps you've seen the other things in there?"

Griphook frowned and shook his head. "This again? Yes, there is also gold in that vault. However, I distinctly recall you said you weren't going to take anything for personal gain. So much for that promise."

---

Chapter 24

The trio is talking about young Tom Riddle and Gringotts.

"He never had gold there when he was younger, because nobody left him anything. He would have seen the bank from the outside, though, the first time he ever went to Diagon Alley."

Ron shook his head and condescendingly said, "Everyone does, Harry. That big, white building in Diagon Alley is kinda hard to miss. This hardly makes the guy unique."

---

Chapter 24

The trio is talking about Gringotts versus Hogwarts's ability to safeguard objects.

"He probably told her it was a treasured possession and asked her to place it in her vault. The safest place in the world for anything you want to hide, Hagrid told me . . . except for Hogwarts."

Hermione shook her head. "Hogwarts hardly has a stellar track record over the past few years, Harry."

---

Chapter 24

The trio is talking about Harry's lack of a wand.

Ron gave Harry a reproachful look, and said, "Let's not worry about that now -"

"Then when?" Harry demanded. "In case it's escaped your attention, we're kinda pressed for time, here. So if I shouldn't worry about it now, then when?"

---

Chapter 24

Ollivander is speaking with the trio about the Elder Wand.

"The owner of the Elder Wand must always fear attack," said Ollivander, "but the idea of the Dark Lord in possession of the Deathstick is, I must admit . . . formidable."

"You have a gift for understatement, Mr. Ollivander," Hermione said quietly.

---

Chapter 25

The trio is still talking about their plan to get the sword.

"But that could be years!" said Hermione.

"I know that, but he needn't. I won't be lying . . . really."

Hermione's voice went as flat as her eyes. "Just like Dumbledore wasn't lying to you about your godfather or the prophecy for years? Withholding information isn't lying, is that your argument?"

---

Chapter 26

Hermione is taking Polyjuice before the raid on Gringotts.

"She tasted disgusting , worse than Gurdyroots! Okay, Ron, come here so I can do you . . ."

Harry made a face and looked at Hermione in horror. "Ugh! What you two do when I'm not around is your business, but don't talk about it in front of me, please. Talk about disgusting!"

---

Chapter 26

Harry has just cast the Imperious Curse upon Travers during the Gringotts raid.

"What are you making him do?"

Harry looked Griphook with an expression of surprise. "Sing 'I'm a Little Teapot'. What the bloody blue hell do you think I'd have a Death Eater do while we're making a dangerous raid on Gringotts?"

---

Chapter 26

Harry has just released the dragon underneath Gringotts.

"This way!" Harry yelled, and still shooting Stunning Spells at the advancing goblins, he sprinted toward the blind dragon.

"Harry - Harry - what are you doing?"

"Aw, come on, Hermione! I know you got to ride the pony at the county fair. Seeing as how the Dursleys never even took me, I kinda wanted to try out the next best thing."

---

Chapter 28

The trio just met Aberforth Dumbledore.

"You bloody fools," he said gruffly, looking from one to the other of them. "What were you thinking, coming here?"

Ron was looking around the dingy back room of the equally dingy pub. "We heard you made a cracking good Little Wizards Spirit and wanted to try it."

---

Chapter 30

Hogwarts is preparing for the Death Eater invasion.

"And now - Piertotum Locomotor !" cried Professor McGonagall.

And all along the corridor, the statues and suits of armor jumped down from their plinths, and from the echoing crashes from the floors above and below, Harry knew that their fellows throughout the castle had done the same.

"Hogwarts is threatened!" shouted Professor McGonagall. "Man the boundaries, protect us, do your duty to our school!"

Harry had a wide grin on is face as he turned to his former head of house. "Awesome! I bet you've always wanted to do that."

---

Chapter 31

Hogwarts is preparing for the Death Eater invasion, but Voldemort has overridden the loudspeakers.

"I know that you are preparing to fight. Your efforts are futile. You cannot fight me. I do not want to kill you. I have great respect for the teachers of Hogwarts. I do not want to spill magical blood."

"I call bullshite!" Neville called. "Explain all the muggleborn and so-called blood traitors you've ordered killed. You don't care about spilling magical blood. You're only interested in those who will fight for you."

---

Chapter 31

Harry and Aberforth speak for a moment while Hogwarts is preparing for the Death Eater invasion.

"And it never occurred to any of you to keep a few Slytherins hostage? There are kids of Death Eaters you've just sent to safety. Wouldn't it have been a bit smarter to keep 'em here?"

Harry snorted. "If you think hiding behind Theo Nott or Pansy Parkinson would buy us any time at all, then you're as mushy-headed and idealistic as you've accused your brother of being."

---

Chapter 31

Ron and Hermione have visited the Chamber of Secrets.

"But how did you get in there?" he asked, staring from the fangs to Ron. "You need to speak Parseltongue!"

"He did!" whispered Hermione. "Show him, Ron!"

Ron made a horrible, strangled hissing noise.

Harry rolled his eyes. "I didn't understand a word of that, so that wasn't Parseltongue. Therefore, you're just imitating noises, not speaking the snake's language." He turned and shook his head sadly. "Really, Hermione, you must be more accurate with what you say."

---

Chapter 31

Ron and Hermione have visited the Chamber of Secrets.

Ron made a horrible, strangled hissing noise.

Harry's eyes widened. "I didn't really need to hear that, Ron. What you want to do with Fluffy, four pints of bubotuber pus, and a shepard's pie is your own business."

---

Chapter 31

Ron and Hermione destroyed the Hufflepuff Cup horcrux.

"Genius!" yelled Harry.

"It was nothing," said Ron, though he looked delighted with himself. "So, what's new with you?"

"I heard a story from Ravenclaw's daughter about theft, unrequited love, betrayal, murder, and suicide. Why can't all history lessons be that action packed?"

---

Chapter 33

Voldemort is again addressing everyone within the besieged Hogwarts.

"If you continue to resist me, you will all die, one by one. I do not wish this to happen. Every drop of magical blood spilled is a loss and a waste."

Somehow, Professor McGonagall repeated Voldemort's trick of an amplified voice and countered him. "What of Harry Potter? Is he not magical? What of Amelia Bones? Was she, too, not magical? How many hundreds and thousands of muggleborn, half-blood, and pureblood witches and wizards have you had executed over the past year? You claim now that you value magical blood, but your actions only go to prove that you're naught more than a liar."

---

Chapter 33

Going through Snape's memories, Lily just did intentional magic.

"How do you do it?" Petunia asked.

"It's obvious, isn't it?" Snape could no longer contain himself, but had jumped out from behind the bushes.

"What's obvious?" asked Lily.

"That you're an abomination in league with unholy powers. Or maybe aliens." She paused in thought, looking back and forth between the two stunned speechless pre-teens in front of her. "Yes, probably aliens. Even for a boy, that much grease in his hair just can't be human."

---

Chapter 33

Going through Snape's memories, the Evans family is seeing Lily off to Hogwarts for the first time.

"- you think I want to be a - freak?"

Mrs. Evans leveled a narrow-eyed glare at her eldest daughter. "With as jealous as you've been acting for months? Yes, in fact I do think you want to be a 'freak'."

---

Chapter 33

Going through Snape's memories, Snape is trying to convince Lily that Lupin is a werewolf.

"Every month at the full moon?" asked Snape.

"I know your theory," said Lily, and she sounded cold. "Why are you so obsessed with them anyway? Why do you care what they're doing at night?"

Young Sirius Black casually strolled around one of the columns as they passed and seamlessly answered her question, "He's jealous. He just wants to learn how to do something at night that doesn't exclusively involve his right hand."

---

Chapter 33

Going through Snape's memories, Dumbledore finally reveals his plan with regards to keeping Draco from falling to the dark.

"Are you intending to let him kill you?"

"Certainly not. You must kill me."

There was a long silence as Snape stared at the old Headmaster. "While your utter arrogance and twinkley-eyed, supposed humility in service to your mythical Greater Good is oftentimes cause for me to want to fire an Explosion Curse up your boney backside, I fail to see how your death would much improve the situation as a whole, let alone the one with Draco."

---

Chapter 33

Going through Snape's memories, Snape wants to know what Dumbledore's been teaching Harry.

"What are you doing with Potter, all these evenings you are closeted together?" Snape asked abruptly.

Dumbledore sighed softly. "Maybe when you're older, I'll explain it, but you're far too young to understand it yet."

---

Chapter 33

Going through Snape's memories, Dumbledore is explaining why Voldemort will not try to possess Harry again.

"Lord Voldemort's soul, maimed as it is, cannot bear close contact with a soul like Harry's. Like a tongue on frozen steel, like flesh in flame -"

"Like crups and kneazles, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get on with it already and speak plainly instead of metaphors and similes wrapped in allusions."

---

Chapter 33

Going through Snape's memories, Dumbledore explains more of the master plan.

"After you have killed me, Severus -"

"I'm going to Disney World!"

---

Chapter 33

Going through Snape's memories, Dumbledore explains more of the master plan.

"If there comes a time when Lord Voldemort stops sending that snake forth to do his bidding, but keeps it safe beside him under magical protection, then, I think, it will be safe to tell Harry."

"Tell him what?"

"I never told him the truth." Here, Dumbledore turned and seemed to look straight at the silently observing Harry. "Harry, I am your father!"

---

Chapter 33

Going through Snape's memories, Snape reveals that his patronus is a doe.

"After all this time?"

"Always," said Snape.

"You should have said something all those years ago, Severus. I could have provided you with a Gender-Bender Potion and then you could have been James's animagus form's lover."

---

Chapter 34

Harry tells Neville that Nagini must be killed.

"It's got to be killed. Ron and Hermione know that, but just in case they -"

Neville grinned. "Just in case they're too busy sucking face to follow, you know, the plan to save the world?"

---

Chapter 35

A "dead" Harry meets Dumbledore in King's Cross.

"Then . . . I'm dead, too?"

"Ah," said Dumbledore, "that is the question, isn't it? On the whole, dear boy, I think not."

"So I'm only mostly dead? Well, I suppose that's good, just so long as nobody mistakes it for completely dead and goes through my clothes, looking for loose change."

---

Chapter 35

Dumbledore is trying to explain why Harry didn't completely die.

"But I should have died - I didn't defend myself! I meant to let him kill me!"

"And that," said Dumbledore, "will, I think, have made all the difference."

Harry frowned. "That argument is ridiculous. By letting him kill me, I'm not really dead? By that logic, if I forced him to kill me, I'd then not only not be dead, I'd have two lives like some warped video game!"

---

Chapter 35

Dumbledore is trying to explain why Harry didn't completely die.

"Explain," said Harry.

"But you already know," said Dumbledore.

"Obviously not, otherwise I would have had to ask. Hey, is that the reason for all the misery of the last year? You thought I knew what to do instead of you actually telling me anything useful?"

---

Chapter 35

Dumbledore is trying to explain why Harry's wand was working abnormally well against Voldemort's.

"I believe that our wand imbibed some of the power and qualities of Voldemort's wand that night, which is to say that it contained a little of Voldemort himself."

"Wait, wait, wait. So by my winning the Priori Incantatem duel that night three years ago, my wand absorbed some of the abilities of him and ultimately a little of Voldemort himself?"

Dumbledore nodded happily. "Yes, indeed."

"Headmaster, have you been sampling some of Professor Sprouts experimental mushrooms?" Harry asked politely but firmly.

---

Chapter 35

Dumbledore is explaining his history after he and Gellert Grindelwald dueled, resulting in Ariana's death.

"Years passed. There were rumors about him. They said he had procured a wand of immense power. I, meanwhile, was offered the post of Minister of Magic, not once, but several times. Naturally, I refused. I had learned that I was not to be trusted with power."

One of Harry's eyebrows raised. "So instead you end up as Headmaster of on of the leading schools in the world, head of the British legislative and judicial branch, and head of the international governing body. Yeah, well done on avoiding the temptation of power, there."

---

Chapter 35

Dumbledore explains the end of the rein of Grindelwald.

"Well, you know what happened next. I won the duel. I won the wand."

"So much for it being unbeatable. Unless, of course, you lied about it really being a duel?"

---

Chapter 35

Dumbledore explains why he didn't want to possess the Hallows.

"The stone I would have used in an attempt to drag back those who are at peace, rather than to enable my self-sacrifice, as you did. You are the worthy possessor of the Hallows."

"But I didn't 'use it to enable my self-sacrifice'. I used it to bring back my parents, Sirius, and Remus. It was purely self-interest. So, what does that little factoid mean to your grand plan, eh?"

---

Chapter 35

Harry's choice from King's Cross.

"I've got to go back, haven't I?"

"That is up to you."

"You know, I think that's the first time you have ever given me a choice regarding my own life and destiny. About time, wouldn't you say?"

---

Chapter 36

Harry and Voldemort face off for the last time.

"I know things you don't know, Tom Riddle. I know lots of important things that you don't. Want to hear some, before you make another big mistake?"

Luna shook her head and spoke up from the watching audience. "Please do be careful, Harry. Despite your being a hero, make sure you do not run afoul of the Evil Overlords List. You're monologuing."

---

Epilogue

The kids are off to Hogwarts.

"Why are they all staring ?" demanded Albus Severus Potter as he and Rose Weasley craned around to look at the other students.

"Don't let it worry you," said Ron. "It's me. I'm extremely famous."

As the kids laughed, Harry added, "He is. For two separate reasons, actually." The kids looked various levels of skeptical, so Harry explained, "First for single-handedly making the Chudley Cannons the second worst team in the league. Second, for being the seventeen year reigning champion in the pie-eating contest."

---

Don't know if it's me, but I saw more snarky comments in this book than the others. Whether that's a function of Harry's increasing age, JKR, or me, though, I don't know.

The following are taken verbatim from the book.

---

Chapter 3

The Order is trying to convince the Dursleys to move.

"Dad," said Dudley in a loud voice, "Dad - I'm going with these Order people."

"Dudley," said Harry, "for the first time in your life, you're talking sense."

---

Chapter 3

The Dursleys are leaving with Hestia and Diggle.

"S-so sweet, Dudders . . ." Petunia sobbed into Dudley's massive chest. "S-such a lovely b-boy . . . s-saying thank you . . ."

"But he hasn't said thank you at all!" said Hestia indignantly. "He only said he didn't think Harry was a waste of space!"

"Yeah, but coming from Dudley that's like 'I love you,'" said Harry.

---

Chapter 5

George and Kingsley arrive at the Burrow after the escape.

"How do you feel, Georgie?" whispered Mrs. Weasley.

George's fingers groped for the side of his head. "Saint like," he murmured.

"What's wrong with him?" croaked Fred, looking terrified. "Is his mind affected?"

"Saint like," repeated George, opening his eyes and looking up at his brother. "You see . . . I'm holy. Holey , Fred, geddit?"

---

Chapter 6

Bill Weasley and Harry discuss the situation.

"Scrimgeour doesn't want to admit that You-Know-Who is as powerful as he is, now that Azkaban's seen a mass breakout."

"Yeah, why tell the public the truth?" observed Harry.

---

Chapter 6

Hermione tries to explain the difference between body damage and soul damage.

"Look, if I picked up a sword right now, Ron, and ran you through with it, I wouldn't damage your soul at all."

"Which would be a real comfort to me, I'm sure," said Ron.

---

Chapter 6

Ron and Harry complain about the work they're being asked to do before Bill and Fleur's wedding.

"It's like being a house-elf," complained Ron in an undertone. "Except without the job satisfaction. The sooner this wedding's over, the happier I'll be."

"Yeah," said Harry, "then we'll have nothing to do except find Horcruxes . . . It'll be like a holiday, won't it?"

---

Chapter 7

Minister Scrimgeour is speaking with the trio about Dumbledore's bequests.

"I noticed that your birthday cake is in the shape of a Snitch," Scrimgeour said to Harry. "Why is that?"

Hermione laughed derisively. "Oh, it can't be a reference to the fact Harry's a great Seeker, that's way too obvious," she said. "There must be a secret message from Dumbledore hidden in the icing!"

---

Chapter 7

The trio are talking the night before the wedding.

"All the same, we should get to bed," whispered Hermione. "It wouldn't do to oversleep tomorrow."

"No," agreed Ron. "A brutal triple murder by the bridegroom's mother might put a bit of a damper on the wedding."

---

Chapter 16

Hermione is chastising Harry on his poor study habits.

"Harry, did you ever even open A History of Magic ?"

"Erm," he said, smiling for what felt like the first time in months: "I might've opened it, you know, when I bought it . . . just the once . . ."

---

Chapter 19

Ron is having a difficult time apologizing to Hermione.

"Rack your brains, Ron. That should only take a couple of seconds -"

---

Chapter 19

Ron is having a difficult time apologizing to Hermione.

"Imagine losing fingernails, Harry! That really puts our sufferings into perspective, doesn't it?"

---

Chapter 21

Ron is less than impressed with Xenophilius Lovegood's cooking.

"Everybody always requests our recipe for Freshwater Plimpy soup."

"Probably to show the Poisoning Department at St. Mungo's," said Ron under his breath.

---

Chapter 25

The trio is talking about their plan to get the sword by giving Griphook a fake.

"Ron, he'd know the difference better than we would!" said Hermione. "He's the only one who realised there had been a swap!"

"Yeah, but we could scarper before he realizes -" He quailed beneath the look Hermione was giving him.

"That," she said quietly, "is despicable. Ask for his help, then double-cross him? And you wonder why goblins don't like wizards, Ron?"

---

Chapter 26

Hermione has glamoured Ron in preparation for the raid on Gringotts.

"There," said Hermione, "how does he look, Harry?"

Ron's hair was now long and wavy; he had a thick brown beard and mustache, no freckles, a short, broad nose, and heavy eyebrows.

"Well, he's not my type."

---

Chapter 27

The trio just jumped off the dragon as it flew over a lake.

"What'll happen to it, do you think?" she asked. "Will it be all right?"

"You sound like Hagrid," said Ron. "It's a dragon, Hermione, it can look after itself. It's us we need to worry about."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I don't know how to break this to you," said Ron, "but I think they might have noticed we broke into Gringotts."

---

Chapter 28

The trio is talking to Aberforth about Albus Dumbledore.

"Professor Dumbledore cared about Harry, very much," said Hermione in a low voice.

"Did he now?" said Aberforth. "Funny thing, how many of the people my brother cared about very much ended up in a worse state than if he'd left 'em well alone."

---

Chapter 29

Neville is hearing about what the trio's been up to.

Neville laughed gleefully. "What did you do with the dragon?"

"Released it into the wild," said Ron. "Hermione was all for keeping it as a pet -"

---

Chapter 31

Ron expresses concern for the house-elves of Hogwarts.

"I mean we should tell them to get out. We don't want any more Dobbies, do we? We can't order them to die for us -"

There was a clatter as the basilisk fangs cascaded out of Hermione's arms. Running at Ron, she flung them around his neck and kissed him full on the mouth. Ron threw away the fangs and broomstick he was holding and responded with such enthusiasm that the lifted Hermione off her feet.

"Is this the moment?" Harry asked weakly, and when nothing happened except that Ron and Hermione gripped each other still more firmly and swayed on the spot, he raised his voice. "OI! There's a war going on here!"

---

Chapter 31

Percy joins the fight.

"Hello, Minister!" bellowed Percy, sending a neat jinx straight at Thicknesse, who dropped his wand and clawed at the front of his robes, apparently in awful discomfort. "Did I mention I'm resigning?"

---

Chapter 33

Going through Snape's memories, Snape has asked Dumbledore to protect Lily from Voldemort.

"If she means so much to you," said Dumbledore, "Surely Lord Voldemort will spare her? Could you not ask for mercy for the mother in exchange for the son?"

"I have - I have asked him -"

"You disgust me," said Dumbledore. "You do not care, then about the deaths of her husband and child? They can die as long as you have what you want?"

---

Chapter 33

Going through Snape's memories, Dumbledore reveals he wants Snape to do the deed when it comes to Dumbledore's death.

" You must kill me."

There was a long silence.

"Would you like me to do it now?" asked Snape, his voice heavy with irony, "or would you like a few moments to compose an epitaph?"

---

Chapter 33

Going through Snape's memories, Dumbledore is trying to explain why he wants Snape to kill him.

"I ask this one great favor of you, Severus, because death is coming for me as surely as the Chudley Cannons will finish bottom of this year's league. I confess I should prefer a quick, painless exit to the protracted and messy affair it will be if, for instance Greyback is involved - I hear Voldemort has recruited him? Or dear Bellatrix, who likes to play with her food before she eats it."