Content Harry Potter Miscellaneous

Author Notes:

In an effort to improve the quality of the Death Eater recruits, you are required to fill out this questionnaire to determine your suitability to join the Dark Lord's followers.

Please indicate all that apply with a distinct, dark mark using a #1 pencil (the Death Eater’s pencil of choice since 1975).

1.   _____ the livestock.
() Rape
() Pillage
() Plunder

2.   You're given a choice of what color Death Eater robes to wear.
() Black
() White
() Lilac
() You know, Headmaster Dumbledore has some snazzy robes.

3.   When in the Dark Lord's presence, you should:
() Bow
() Grovel
() Sneer
() Act smug
() Pick your nose

4.   You have found a sleeping dragon.
() Tickle it.
() Wake it and ask it why it hasn't roasted the second Weasley brat.
() Wake it and ask what next season's dragon hide clothing will look like.

5.   You have just learned the location and defenses around Harry Potter.
() Go and attack him by yourself.
() Get a few of your best friends together and go attack him after a few pints.
() Go to the Leaky Cauldron, have a few pints, and loudly try to recruit some help before attacking him.

6.   You have proof that one of the Inner Circle is a traitor.
() Do nothing.
() Confront the traitor away from prying ears.
() Try to blackmail the traitor with this information.
() Go to a pub and talk about it with your friends over a pint or two.

7.   You have caught an Auror/Unspeakable/member of the Order of the Phoenix.
() Let them go.
() Monologue long enough for them to get free.
() Monologue long enough for them to be rescued.
() Taunt them by leaving their wand just out of reach and then leaving them alone for hours.

8.   You have caught Albus Dumbledore.
() Ask him if you can contest your N.E.W.T. in Herbology.
() Ask him for the thirteenth use of dragon's blood.
() Confess that you're having second thoughts and ask for help to escape the Dark Lord.
() Suggest a good brand of hair-care products for his beard.
() Ask if Fawkes is a real phoenix or if that's a diricawl under a Glamour.

9.   You have caught Harry Potter.
() Give him his wand so you can humiliate him by beating him in a fair duel.
() Ask him which ball Katie Bell is best at chasing.
() Ask him what it's like to snog Cho Chang.
() Ask him if you can borrow his invisibility cloak.
() Ask him out on a date.
() Compliment on his "Killing Curse" eyes.

10.   You have caught a Muggle.
() Use the Imperious to make them do the Macarena.
() Show them your wand.
() Ask them how firelegs and ecklectricity work.

11.   The Dark Lord has been transfigured by his enemies into a barnyard animal.
() Point and laugh.
() Party like it's 1999.
() "That sure is a fine lookin' sheep."

12.   You have been caught by the Ministry.
() Hold your head up and loudly proclaim your undying loyalty to the Dark Lord.
() Claim you were under Imperious the whole time.
() Offer names for a lesser sentence.

13.   You have been caught by Albus Dumbledore.
() Say you're really, really sorry and politely ask for a second chance.
() Offer to become a spy for him in exchange for your freedom.
() Ask him if you can have a last request.   When he agrees, ask for your wand back.

14.   You were just told that the Dark Lord's father was a Muggle.
() Do as the Dark Lord commands and kill all non-purebloods on sight.
() Ask the Dark Lord if that makes him a half-Mudblood.
() Start humming the theme music to "Father Knows Best".

15.   A platinum blonde, wannabe Death Eater with delusions of competence has just given you an order.
() Ignore him.
() Introduce him to the joys of Cruciatus.   From the receiving end.
() Suggest something rude and anatomically unlikely.
() Loudly speculate on his probable Animagus form.

16.   You screwed up and have some bad news to deliver to the Dark Lord.
() Just tell him.   He admires people who own up to their mistakes.
() Blame your incompetent leader for your fumble.
() Send in a platinum blonde, wannabe Death Eater with delusions of competence to give him the news.

17.   One of the Inner Circle has just given you an order that seems to be suicidal.
() "What do I look like, a bleedin' Gryffindor?"
() "Who died and made you the boss?"
() "Is that your final answer?"

18.   A Muggle points a metal stick at you and says, "Freeze!"
() Stand still as an icicle.
() Cast a Freezing Spell at his metal wand.
() Dare him to cast a spell at you.
() Tap dance.
() Conjure a cup and ask him to put the ice cubes in it.
() Ask him if Dirty Harry is his partner.

19.   You have been told to assassinate Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody.
() Walk up to him in broad daylight and challenge him to a formal duel.
() Summon his magic eye.
() Try to sneak into his home.   He'd never think to set traps.
() Summon his wooden leg.
() Make rude gestures when his back is turned.

20.   You're in a duel with Harry Potter.
() Give him tips and pointers on what he's doing wrong.
() Toy with him, using spells like the Jelly Legs Jinx and Tickling Charms.
() Compare his dueling with Lockhart's style.
() Make hissing noises and ask him to translate.

21.   In the midst of a fight, you have a free shot at the following people.   Which do you attack?
() Harry Potter
() Albus Dumbledore
() Your former potions professor
() Lucius Malfoy
() The Dark Lord

22.   Harry Potter's back is turned.
() Walk away.
() Call out to him to give him a fair chance at defending himself.
() Cast, "Flatulus Eruptus."

23.   The Dark Lord's back is turned.
() Check to see if he really is immortal by trying to kill him.
() Vanish his clothes as a prank.
() Cast, "Flatulus Eruptus."

24.   You've just successfully stolen 1000 galleons per the Dark Lord's orders.
() Keep it all.
() Give ten percent to an orphans charity.
() Spend it all on an aviary and try to lure Veela to it.

25.   You've been given a list and told to gather potions ingredients.
() Buy them at "Honest Herbert's Discount Potion Supplies"
() Wander around the Forbidden Forest until you find it all.
() Ask Professor Sprout if you can raid the Hogwarts greenhouses.

26.   What equipment do you need if you're going on a raid?
() Your lucky Chudley Cannon's t-shirt.
() WWW fake wand.
() Your lucky collection of chocolate frog portraits.
() Your large print name-tag.

27.   You are escorting a bunch of trolls to a raid.
() "I bet my club's bigger than yours."
() Ask why none of them have colorful hair like the muggle children's toys.
() Ask if they really live under bridges.
() Ask if any of them have been to Hogwarts lately.

28.   You are escorting a bunch of dementors to a raid.
() Yawn.   A lot.
() Peek under a hood to see what one really looks like.
() Practice your Patronus Spell as a method of herding.

29.   You are escorting a bunch of giants to a raid.
() "Big, clumsy oaf.   Bet you can't catch me."
() Ask them what the weather is like up there.
() Ask them which one is Hagrid's mum.
() Ask where Jack went off to.

30.   You are escorting a bunch of acromantulas to a raid.
() "What, no webs?   What kind of worthless spiders are you?"
() Make jokes about them being "sixty-four eyes."
() Make sure you overeat for a month beforehand so you're fat and juicy.
() Bring your pet basilisk.

Author Notes:

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