Hello, and welcome to the final match of the Hogwarts Quidditch Cup: Gryffindor versus Hufflepuff!

Current standings are thus: First place is Slytherin with one thousand, eight hundred and fifty. Second place is Ravenclaw with three hundred. Third place is Gryffindor with one hundred and eighty. Fourth is Hufflepuff with fifty.

You might notice a unusually wide gap from first to second place in those point totals.

The reason, all of the fans will recall, rests with the deliberate . . . INJURYS to the Slytherin's opposing Seeker, Keeper, one Beater, and one Chaser in each of their three games. All of the HONEST fans will remember how painful to watch the rest of each of those matches were.

Fortunately, each of the injured was released from the Hospital Wing within a week following.

Now, without further ado, I present the Hufflepuffs! Captain and Beater Ernie Macmillan! Beater Frederick Stebbins! Chasers Zacharias Smith, Laura Madley, and Owen Cauldwell! Keeper Samantha Firthquill! Seeker Eric Summersby!

And I present the Gryffindors! Captain and Seeker Harry Potter! Keeper Ron Weasley! Chasers Ginny Weasley, Colin Creevey, and Rebecca Smythe! Beaters Andrew Kirke and Jack Sloper!

Hooch is having a word with both of the captains, aaaaaand we're off! Smythe of Gryffindor has the Quaffle and . . . heads toward the wrong end?

Hey, Gryffindors! What are you doing?

Uh, witches and wizards, I'm not quite sure what is going on here. The Gryffindor Chasers have control of the Quaffle, but are hovering around their OWN goal. They are making no effort to move up field. The Gryffindor Beaters are controlling the Bludgers, but seem to be keeping them contained. Based on the expressions I can see, the Hufflepuff players are just as confused by this tactic as I am.

Hey, Potter! Have you lost your marbles?

Captain Potter appears to be deep in conversation with Seeker Summersby. Neither is even attempting to search for the Snitch at this point. Now the two are heading toward Hufflepuff Captain Macmillan.

The Gryffindor Beaters are keeping the Bludgers contained, and the Gryffindor Chasers and Keeper are just hovering. They seem to be more concerned with watching the game of Bludger tennis their Beaters no doubt learned from their predecessors than they are in scoring. Hooch appears to be flipping through her Quidditch Rules book, but has yet to call any fouls. The rest of the Hufflepuffs are watching what's going on, but are making no moves themselves.

Now the two team Captains have called a joint time-out. The Hufflepuff Captain is explaining something to his teammates, and the Gryffindor Captain is talking with Hooch.

Now Captain Potter takes off and confers with his team briefly. They never bothered to come down during the time-out and are instead cheering on Kirke and Sloper.

Hooch goes over to confer with Hufflepuff. Much nodding going on over there. I wish I knew what they were all talking about. Captain Macmillan gives a thumbs up to Captain Potter before mounting his broom.

Hooch blows her whistle, and play resumes. I hope it makes more sense this time around than it did the first.

Hufflepuff Chaser Cauldwell flies over toward the Gryffindors alone. The other two Chasers spread out over the pitch. The Beaters head over to the Gryffindor Beaters. Gryffindor Chaser Smythe HANDS the Quaffle to Hufflepuff!?

Gryffindor Keeper Weasley moves BEHIND the goals?

What are you raving lunatics doing?!

The Gryffindor Chasers spread around the pitch. Are they searching for something? Hey! It's the Seeker's job to find the Snitch, not yours!

Hufflepuff scores easily since the Keeper is on the WRONG SIDE OF THE GOALS. Gryffindor Keeper Weasley tosses the Quaffle BACK TO HUFFLEPUFF?

What are you people doing?

Hufflepuff scores again. Hooch is watching, but has not called a foul. The four Beaters appear to be keeping the Bludgers contained by bumping them back and forth among the four of them. The two Seekers, five Chasers, and Hufflepuff Keeper are apparently searching the pitch for the Snitch.

Hufflepuff continues to score, assisted by the Gryffindor Keeper of all people. One hundred points and counting.

Folks, this has to be the most screwed up game on record, but Hooch seems to be agreeing with me that no fouls are actually being committed. Contagious, rampant insanity isn't against the rules, after all.

Hufflepuff now at two hundred and the crowd is starting to wake up. Gryffindor and Ravenclaw fans are still shocked silent, but Hufflepuff are starting to cheer each goal. The Slytherins are just jeering at the action.

Will someone tell me what the bloody blue hell is going on?!

Three hundred to nothing now. Hooch is starting to smile, matching most of the players. From where I'm sitting, I can see that Professor Dumbledore is smiling as well. Professors McGonagall and Sprout are conversing about something. Professor Snape looks positively livid. Professor Flitwick seems to be trying to get his Ravenclaws to start cheering each goal.

I think I'm beginning to see where this is going.

Five hundred points. The Slyterins are starting to get angry. Hey, Slyths! Go ahead and start a violent riot, but please keep it within your own section. Thank you very much to Seeker and Captain Malfoy for that truly creative and original salute he just sent me. Sorry, but you're not my type.

Six hundred points. Hufflepuff Chaser Cauldwell carries the Quaffle over to Chaser Madley, and they trade places. Madley is now heading toward the Gryffindor goals and Cauldwell takes up the search.

Sure enough, Hufflepuff is continuing their uncontested scoring, assisted by the Gryffindor Keeper.

Folks, I think I see what's going on here, but I'm not going to speculate aloud.

Seven hundred points. The Gryffindor fans aren't cheering the scores, but they don't appear to be angry, either. Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw fans are cheering per goal, however. Slytherin fans are getting angrier by the minute.

Hufflepuff Seeker Summersby dives! He's chasing the Snitch! But not gaining? He's calling Potter over. Both Seekers and one Chaser from each team and now following the Snitch, but nobody's attempting to catch it. The Hufflepuff Keeper returns to his goal, and the remaining Chasers drift over to the continuing game of Bludger tennis.

Professor Snape is now stomping out onto the pitch and yelling at Madam Hooch. She does an admirable job of keeping her cool and waving him off the field.

One thousand to nothing. This has got to be a record score for the elapsed time. To be honest, having assistance from the opposing Keeper helps.

Professor Snape is now yelling and gesturing at Captain Potter. Potter takes a moment from his pursuit to wave back. I really don't envy you your next Potions lesson, Harry.

Twelve hundred points. Hufflepuff Chasers change off again, and Keeper Weasley rubs his arm. Poor guy has tossed the Quaffle back a hundred and twenty times now.

It appears that Slytherin Captain Malfoy is now, um, making his offer to each player on the field. Ernie is dating Hannah, Malfoy, so I don't think he swings that way.

Apparently just to amuse herself, all the action is at the other end of the pitch after all, Hufflepuff Keeper Firthquill starts doing some acrobatics. Nice moebius loop there. That had to make her dizzy.

Hey, Samantha, do a starfish and stick for us!

Score is still climbing rapidly. Sixteen hundred points.

Gryffindor Chaser Creevey comes over to the scoring area, but does not interfere. Almost to seventeen hundred points.

It seems that Professor Snape is making his way around the pitch toward Professors McGonagall and Sprout. I bet that'll be a fun conversation to listen to. From a safe distance at any rate.

Eighteen hundred points for Hufflepuff, zero for Gryffindor. Chaser Smith throws one more goal to give Hufflepuff eighteen hundred and ten. Keeper Weasley throws the Quaffle to fellow Gryffindor Creevey and he starts down the field. That eighteen hundred and ten points, incidentally, puts Hufflepuff into the lead for the Cup with eighteen hundred and sixty overall points. Exactly ten points ahead of Slytherin, which I'm sure is purely coincidental.

The Head of Slytherin House has reached the Heads of Gryffindor and Hufflepuff Houses. I seriously doubt he's inviting them over to his place for tea. I'd be really careful about accepting anything to drink from the Potions Master right now, Professors!

Yep, Creevey and Firthquill have started the same scoring pattern, this time with the Hufflepuff Keeper assisting the Gryffindor Chaser.

Hufflepuff fans are beginning to quiet down but are still cheering a little at each goal. Gryffindor fans now make their presence known and start cheering. Ravenclaw never did slow down. Slytherin fans are all shouting and, uh, gesturing. Looks like Malfoy isn't the only one making offers to the players.

Five hundred points, and Gryffindor swaps Chasers. Chaser Smythe now begins to score points rapidly.

The honor guard around the Snitch is still there, floating around midfield.

WHAT WAS THAT?

Looks like a hex of some type came out of the Slytherin stands, narrowly missing Potter. It appeared to come from the area Malfoy is sitting in, but I'm sure that's just another coincidence.

More curses! This time both in and outbound as the Gryffindor fans open up against the Slytherins.

A sharp word from both team Captains, and the players put their wands away.

That doesn't stop the fans, however. For a moment there, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw joined in with the Gryffindors. Can't see much movement in the Slytherin stands at this point. A few fan causalities among the Gryffindors, but none of the players are down.

One thousand points, and Gryffindor swaps Chasers again, Weasley taking over for Smythe.

I've lost track of Professors McGonagall, Sprout, and Snape. They were in the midst of an enthusiastic discussion when the curses started, but have since disappeared.

Score is continuing to rack up. Now eighteen hundred and ten for Hufflepuff and Gryffindor is at thirteen hundred and fifty.

I've just received word from Madam Pomfrey that the Gryffindor injuries are all minor. Of the Slytherin injuries, none of them are permanent. I guess we'll take that bit of news as each of us feels appropriate.

Gryffindor now has fifteen hundred and thirty. Gryffindor Chaser Weasley takes the Quaffle in hand and turns to her captain. Potter waves back and then darts forward, CATCHING THE SNITCH!

Ending score: Hufflepuff has eighteen hundred and ten to Gryffindor's sixteen hundred and eighty. Hufflepuff wins this game.

Overall Cup scores: Fourth place is Ravenclaw with three hundred points. Slytherin has eighteen hundred and fifty. Hufflepuff and Gryffindor tie for the cup at eighteen hundred and SIXTY points each!

Here comes the two teams, plus Professors Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Sprout for the Quidditch Cup presentation.

Congratulations go to Gryffindor and Hufflepuff!

Uh, you should probably have Madam Pomfrey look at that eye, Professor.