Rage and Light posted a comment on Friday 9th October 2009 10:50pm for The Battle

No offence but this seemed like a very rushed effort compared to the rest of the story so far, I cannot help but hope you tend to redo this chapter and make it more intune to the rest of the tale.

david

Evan Mayerle posted a comment on Friday 9th October 2009 9:05pm for The Battle

Heh, figures that wizarding ignorance of things non-magicals take for granted, like CPR, could cause some interesting surprises. It was a nicely-described attack and battle, enough that the reader gets the full sense of the struggle without the overwhelming detail of a blow-by-blow description of the fight. I notice that Harry's temporary "death" has managed to end the concubine binding, if Tracey and Daphne want him now, Harry's going to know that it's strictly desire and not compulsion; I reckon he'll not be stupid enough to turn that away. For that matter, 'twould appear that Hermione may well be joining them; that could be quite a private party. Of course, this *will* have to wait until Harry recovers from all of this.

Crys replied:

Thank you, Evan.   You're one of the very few that actually LIKED the different PoV to the fight.

You've spotted the concubine binding thing right.   As for the aftermath . . . well, that's what next chapter's for.

Thanks for reading.

vheritas posted a comment on Friday 9th October 2009 8:42pm for The Battle

Wow....

Daphne was a total hero and is now free. Is Tracey going to survive? Harry is going to be a mess; will Hermione and he get together? Will Tracey end up with Harry or with Neville?

Keep up the great job!

LynnTerald posted a comment on Friday 9th October 2009 8:09pm for The Battle

No offense, but the battle between Voldemort and Harry seemed like it could have had more. The rest of the chapter was ok without it.

MagyarEagle posted a comment on Friday 9th October 2009 7:20pm for The Battle

Chattel was an interesting idea, but the implementation has felt rushed at times, and the plot fairly arbitrary compared to your other fics, and this chapter in particular felt rushed. I felt that the battle with Voldemort was over far too fast, and Harry's miraculous recovery ruined any suspense the section could have had. Overall, the fic has been good, but I still feel that this is not one of your best works. In particular I thought the characters tended to be fairly one dimensional, which I found to be a contrast to Scion of Gryffindor. The story had some excellent moments though, in particular how you set up the relationship with Filius and Harry as friends which was something I hadn't seen before, as well as the portrayal of Hermione. I feel that you fell into the classic trap of moronic Ron (which admittedly was funny), and obstinate Dumbledore. I felt that you could have explored the motivations for their reasoning better, and why other purebloods such as Neville might think differently, especially considering that the other Weasely's didn't view it the same way as Ron did. I'm still curious as to how this fic is going to end, but I strongly encourage you to revise this chapter in particular, which I felt was by far the weakest in an otherwise good fic. Despite the criticism I have enjoyed reading Chattel, I just don't think its quite up to your usual high standard, I've been spoiled by your other stories :)

Crys replied:

You're not the only one who's pointed out how rushed this whole story felt.

I haven't tried to go in depth with the entire thing, just how Harry and the girls deal with the situation as it's been dropped on their heads.

This chapter in particular was from a complete outsiders PoV, which has thrown a lot of  readers off.   The emotional impact was different that what everyone's used to.

We could spend hours talking about "falling into the trap" versus "canon" Ron and Dumbledore, but we'll just have to agree to disagree on those two.

Thanks for reading.

gunners posted a comment on Friday 9th October 2009 6:40pm for The Battle

Cliffy..I hate cliffy.

But then again,its your story.Good chapter.

hercules1991 posted a comment on Friday 9th October 2009 3:08pm for The Battle

Oh Wow! Way too short!!!! I liked the chapter, but I need more.

scribbler posted a comment on Friday 9th October 2009 3:08pm for The Battle

Short, dramatic chapter. It will be nice to see how you wrap up the story, given this particularly climactic ending. I look forward to it, especially after seeing how much drama you've added to this chapter.

Regards,

Edmond

Wonderbee31 posted a comment on Friday 9th October 2009 2:22pm for The Battle

Wow, something to see at any rate, and got a lot of things here, like whether Daphne is dead or not, and did Harry's dying break the chattel bond with Tracey's reaction to the hairclip? Harry did make a foolish mistake to taunt Riddle instead of killing him right off, but he's still a teen, and can be forgiven for that imo, and will look forward to what I guess will be an epilouge or another part to come afterwards. Well done with this, as it was exciting, and good to see at least some of the bad guys actually recieve their deserved fate for once, instead of letting them off like some authors have, coughRowlingcough.

SassyFrass posted a comment on Friday 9th October 2009 2:21pm for The Battle

Great chapter.
One thing "the auror that had accompanied the commandoes"

It should be "the healer that had"

I'm assuming that since Harry never consummated the relationship, and that he died, the concubines are no longer concubines, and they can now be really married.
Looking forward to more!

dennisud posted a comment on Friday 9th October 2009 2:04pm for The Battle

Seems we have that final battle yet we see things will never be the same!

Let see the epilogue sooner!

dennisud

noylj posted a comment on Friday 9th October 2009 1:19pm for The Battle

Could be a bit clearer on who is injured.
Why accept surrender?

coronal posted a comment on Friday 9th October 2009 11:38am for The Battle

awesome update, but shame it was so short.

I liked having Dean use electricity. Don't see it often.

00_Knight posted a comment on Friday 9th October 2009 11:34am for The Battle

... So it seems as if you've killed off Daphne in a heroic defense of Harry Potter... I honestly don't know how to take it, as an inevitable conclusion or some plot twist that really is really bad.

Honestly up until this point its been a Fantastic story, to me at least, but to have Daphne killed off in this way, at this time is just BS!

I'll be patiently waiting for the next update.

JoFarries posted a comment on Friday 9th October 2009 11:07am for The Battle

And why isn't the follow up chapter posted already? You can't leave us hanging like this, dag nab it! It's cruel and unusual punishment, and not allowed by the Geneva Convention! Or is it? I'm confused. Wait, no, I'm not. ;-) Post more soon!

Crys replied:

I'm violating the Geneva Conventions?

And my mother told me I'd never amount to anything.   Ha!

Next chapter on Friday.

Thanks for reading.

james hung posted a comment on Friday 9th October 2009 10:50am for The Battle

Short and to the point. Love the different point of view for this section. Interesting way to remove those stumbling blocks to the budding relationships. I do wonder what Tracey will do but at least Daphne has a chance. Waiting avidly for the next exciting installment.

Artereus posted a comment on Friday 9th October 2009 10:48am for The Battle

Eh, this chapter didn't really engage me. I think it was the odd-man-out viewpoint.

All in all in seemed a bit rushed. Even anti-climactic if I want to be honest.

However in light of the rest of the story, I still am enjoying it as a whole.

Be interesting to see how everything comes together.

Peace

Prince Charon posted a comment on Friday 9th October 2009 10:22am for The Battle

Interesting, that.

brad posted a comment on Friday 9th October 2009 10:01am for The Battle

I was a bit underwhelmed by this chapter, it seemed a bit too short and stilted. I appreciate why you wanted to write the chapter from the perspective of an outsider, Hawke-Thorne, but I think he was too detached; there wasn't too much emotion in this chapter, despite the observed anguish from the witches near the end.

(I think I was also affected by the name of your observing wizard ... at long last, I've finally read a story with a wizard called 'Brad'! Yay!! :-) But it was dashed *weird* to see my/his name there; while not rare 'Brad isn't that super-common either, I think. I wonder how fast people called 'Harry' or 'Ron' adjust when they enter the HP fandom? Not too many girls called 'Hermione' or 'Ginny' I dare say. Anyway, a weird little experience for me.)

Anyway, maybe I would have felt more involved, more concerned, had we been privy first-hand to the distress experienced by one of the primary characters. But I guess one of your reasons for using Brad (yay!) was that you didn't want to dwell on what went on inside the building, the actual showdown with Riddle?

Voldemort's final defeat was an anticlimax, but I guess he was drastically weakened by some sort of poison half-hinted at in the previous chapter? I had to go back and take another look at that earlier instalment ... Dobby was feeding some sort of potion to Voldemort? How is it that Dobby could do this, when none of the good guys knew where Voldemort actually was (until he moved to the Dolohov estate, which was the point at which Harry instructed Dobby to *stop*)?

Harry's falling to Riddle due to the 'any last words' opportunity seemed to be something of a cliche and felt awkward. Silly boy; wasn't he taking all this *seriously*?

You killed Daphne!?!?!?!?!? :-( That seems to be how it looks. But the whole DA is cheering and rejoicing ... okay, their leader/figurehead is alive, but my first reaction on putting down the last page was "STOP, DAPHNE'S DEAD!". Maybe Harry will say/scream something along those lines in the first paragraph of the next chapter.

Maybe he'll blame himself for her death, given as how his own fall to Riddle came about because of his 'any last words' grandstanding. I'm probably pushing a bit too hard on that chain of reasoning though.

Well, I'm interested in how you're going to finish things up - is Daphne dead? Did the chattel link between Harry and Tracey evaporate with his death? Will we ever see Ron again? With whom will Hermione end up (Neville?).

Crys replied:

Sorry you kept tripping on the name of the character.   Hope it didn't disjoint you too badly.

Yeah, the emotional impact was vastly different for Hawke-Thorne than for one of the closer characters (Hermione, for instance).   There are already a lot of good Harry versus Voldy duel scenes out there.   I didn't want to just add to that, so I did it from an "outside" perspective.   Which changed the entire feel of the scene.

You've spotted what happened with Voldy.   I don't think anyone else has done so.   As far as Dobby and where Voldy was . . . well, what distinction does Dobby have?

Yeah, Harry asking for any last words was stupid, but it's also honorable.   Which is why he did it and why Voldy promptly took advantage of it.

Whether Daphne had just died, the rest of the crowd had just survived a battle, watched the death of the worst dark lord in living memory, and then watched their savior more or less brought back from the dead.   I figure they have the right to party just a bit.   After all, even when James and Lily died, how many mourned them versus celebrated the downfall of LV?

All of your remaining questions will be answered in the next couple chapters.

Thanks for reading.

Sarah5 posted a comment on Friday 9th October 2009 8:50am for The Battle

Cliff hanger, chaotic battle. Hope to read more.