1001 Deaths of Lord Voldemort :: Two Hundred and Fifty-One to Three Hundred

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Author Notes:

Yep, still adding as ideas are sent in. Thanks to all who have (and still continue) to contribute ideas.

25 Oct

251. Bunny inspired by Killer07

A rogue, wild dementor followed its primal urges until it came to Albania. There, an unfettered spirit barely survived as it jumped from one host body to another.

During the wraith-Voldemort's next jump, the dementor swooped in and caught the fractional soul.

252. Bunny by Gullwhacker

Voldemort tore the prophecy from Harry's unprotected mind. After a moment of silence, he started to laugh.

Harry, being held upright between two Death Eaters, slumped.

"Here I was worried that I wouldn't be permitted to kill you or be incapable due to the prophecy," Voldemort chortled. "Well, now that those concerns are invalidated, I'm afraid I simply don't have the time to bother with you any longer. Goodbye, Harry Potter. Avada Kedavra."

The green light of the Killing Curse hit Harry in the chest.

And nothing happened.

Harry and Voldemort stared at each other in utter confusion.

Meanwhile, the real "Dark Lord" referenced in the prophecy finished the Armageddon Ritual, ensuring the death of every magic user on the planet.

253. Bunny by Killer07

Young Tom Riddle stood over his father and grandparents. With a disgusted sneer, he pointed his wand and uttered the words of the Killing Curse.

A phoenix is a creature of the Light. The phoenix feather wand in Riddle's hand did not like being used for such a Dark spell.

It reacted by releasing a magical explosion that utterly destroyed the Riddle Mansion.

254. Scene by Tildessmoo. Reproduced here without modification

Voldemort plotted and pondered. Harry Potter had been missing for weeks, and according to his spies the Order has just as little idea of his location as he. This could be a problem in the long run, but the dark lord decided to get a bit of mayhem done in the meantime, while the Order was distracted chasing down leads as to its charge's whereabouts.

Just as he was about to call Wormtail to bring his latest orders to the Death Eaters at large, a sphere of light appeared in the middle of his study. Before he had time to react, the glow suddenly grew too bright to look at, then faded, leaving three figures in its wake.

Upon seeing the central figure, Voldemort couldn't help but laugh.

"Halloween isn't for another ten months, boy!" he exclaimed. Indeed, Harry Potter, for he was one of the three figures, was dressed oddly, in bronze greaves, sandals, crested helmet, leather breastplate, and, of all things, a metal-edged leather skirt! He held a spear in one hand and a tall shield in the other, and wore a short, straight sword at his side.

"And this isn't a costume," Harry responded. "I am a hoplite, a trained soldier of the Athenian tradition. Please allow me to introduce my trainer." He gestured to the woman on his right, a tall, regal woman, similarly attired, but with an odd sword with a concave curve to the blade. Her breastplate was of a slightly different shade and texture, as if it had come from a different kind of animal, and her shield was covered, and apparently lumpy under that cover. "This is my sister. Well, half-sister, anyway. You may call her Glaukopis."

"I thought you were an only child?"

"Yes, well... Perhaps you'd like to explain to him?" he asked the woman on his left.

"Of course, dear. You see, Mr. Riddle, the truth is that Lily Potter was incapable of bearing children. I made a deal with the Potters: James would conceive his heir with me, and the couple could raise him as their own. Imagine my surprise to see how things actually turned out."

"I see." Voldemort contemplated the tableau before him for a moment, trying to decide if he should continue their conversation for a little longer or if he should just kill them all now. He finally decided to ask the one burning question on his mind: "What does this have to do with dressing up like a hoplite?"

"Haven't you guessed?" Harry asked. "With all those purebloods around you, you haven't been exposed to the classics?"

"What do you mean the classi-" Voldemort stopped suddenly, remembering: When someone in the upper class said "classics," they meant Greece and Rome. Here he had a pair of people in the garb of Athenian soldiers. And what had he called his sister? Glaukopis? He made the connection, and a few others, and he froze.

"That's right," the regal warrior said, her voice one that could--and did--command armies. "I am Athene Glaukopis: Bright-Eyed Athena. And this is my mother."

"Harry is, indeed, my second-born," said Harry's mother--Metis, Voldemort now knew. "Subject of a prophecy infinitely older than yours, Harry is the one who is mighty enough to be the end of Zeus himself."

"The power you know not... Well, Tom, it's the power you sought," Harry finished. "The power of a god. Now, I'm gonna make this quick; I've got to go kill my step-dad, and, quite frankly, you aren't even gonna be much of a warm-up."

255. Scene by Meteoricshipyards. Reproduced here with minor modifications.

It had taken months. The stupid muggles didn't know what they had. What has slowed him so much was the magical protections placed around the object. The Muggles, oblivious to their very existence, had been no problem, but it had taken a long time to overcome the wards.

The wards themselves had been a confusing set of almost randomly placed magical protections. What Voldemort didn't know was that every wizard for the last hundred years that had found out what was in the library had placed their own set of protective wards around the structure.

And thus, night after night, Voldemort had chipped away at the wards around the library at Miskatonic University. And now he held the book in his hand. Bound in human skin, written in blood, there was no finer copy of this work in the world.

A week later, Wormtail would find the Dark Lord still in his study, gibbering away. Nothing they could do would return his sanity (such as it was). He couldn't even feed himself. His only reaction to the outside world was when a Whip-o-will would call; the former Dark Lord would stop gibbering, curl into a fetal position, and shiver.

When the Death Eaters got tired of feeding him, Voldemort died of starvation.

With their Lord dead, the Death Eaters decided to become a political party. Through splintering and parliamentary wrangling, they never achieved any of their ends.

Lucius Malfoy took one last shot of revenge at Harry Potter years later.

Harry Potter, Auror trainer, received a package one morning. Opening it, he found a strange, very old book. He opened the book, noting the smell of decay that seemed to surround it. On the first page, in hand written letters, was the word:

Necronomicon

256. Bunny by Heather

Voldemort chased Harry through a small muggle city, finally chasing him into a large, mostly open area with a scattering of oddly-shaped vehicles of some kind upon huge expanses of pavement.

Due to his ignorance of all things muggle, Voldemort didn't realize that just because you couldn't see it didn't mean the propeller wasn't there.

257. Bunny by LandUnderWave

Harry ran pell-mell down the staircase in Hogwarts. Voldemort chased his nemesis at equal speeds.

It'd been decades since Voldemort had wandered the halls of the castle.

Harry remembered the trick step. Voldemort didn't.

Voldemort's foot got caught by the step. His momentum continued forward, resulting in a high-speed, face-first collision with a hard landing between flights of stairs.

258. Scene by Gullwhacker. Reproduced here without modification.

He'd done it.

Going beyond the mere stopgap measure of a Horcrux, Voldemort had achieved what he perceived to be true immortality. The prophecy had been fulfilled - Potter had died at his hand - and the Dark Lord had conquered the world, truly unstoppable.

Eventually, though, his followers died off. They'd killed off all the muggles, yes, and many witches and wizards besides. Inbreeding had taken its toll, and soon no humans were left - save one. Dark Lord Voldemort still reigned over the Earth. Alone. Bored.

Watching the sun itself fade, Voldemort looked forward to the heat-death of the universe.

259. Bunny by David Ray Thacker

"Okay, Mr. Potter, take a left at the next corner," the driving instructor told Harry.

Carefully, Harry made the requested turn. Once going the new direction, Harry heard the crack of Apparition and saw Voldemort appear on the sidewalk ahead. So surprised by the appearance of the Dark Lord, Harry jumped and accidentally knocked his hand into the steering wheel.

The car, now moving fifty kilometers per hour, hit Voldemort before the evil wizard could finish his spell.

260. Bunny by Killer07

" . . . go into the lake and destroy the next wizard to threaten this locket."

The mindless horde of Inferi sank into the water immediately.

Smiling a sadistic smile of satisfaction, Voldemort turned to add some more direct protections.

Unfortunately for him, the Inferi considered a pointed wand as a threat. And Voldemort failed to exclude himself in his instructions to them.

261. Scene by slickrcbd. Reproduced here with minor modifications.

Voldemort looked at the package delivered by the snowy white owl in surprise. He knew from his spies that this was Potter's owl.

Being extremely suspicious, he began casting every detection spell he knew, but couldn't find a trace of magic on the package. Satisfied, he opened the package.

It promptly exploded.

Thus, Voldemort became the first wizard to be killed by a muggle mail bomb, delivered via owl post.

25 Oct

28 Nov

262. Bunny by Evan Mayerle

"Clear your mind!" Snape barked. "Legilimens!"

Just as Snape shattered Harry's ill-formed barrier, Voldemort mentally came for a visit.

Harry staggered as his mind tried to contain three powerful personalities simultaneously. After the other two shifted around some, Harry managed to push both of them out. He fell unconscious. Awakening the next day with a screaming migraine, he was shocked at the news he was told.

Instead of pushing both adult wizards' minds back to their own bodies, he had sent both of them in the same direction.

Voldemort's cranium had imploded with a giant slurping sound.

Snape's cranium had exploded as it tried to contain roughly twice the brain matter.

263. Bunny by Crys. Well, I guess that would make it an unmodified scene? Whatever. Inspired while writing #262 above.

"Clear your mind!" Snape barked. "Legilimens!"

While Harry fought off Snape's mental attack, Voldemort mentally came for a visit.

Just as he broke through the boy's defenses, Harry managed, for the first time, to clear his mind.

264. Bunny by Evan Mayerle

Voldemort watched Snape brewing the potion. "You say Potter found this potion?"

"Yes, My Lord. While the boy is hopeless in potions, he did just inherit the Black estate. I suspect he found this potion in the Black Grimoire."

"Hmm," Voldemort mused. "Despite Sirius Black's existence, the family has been of acceptable breeding and attitude. You say this potion will make one permanently invisible?"

"So the notes say, My Lord."

"Excellent."

What neither Voldemort nor Snape knew was that a lot of magical theory and research had gone into that recipe. It was, in fact, an obscure version of a Shrinking Potion with an infinitely repeating portion added.

265. Bunny by Killer07, another installment in the series "Rituals and what can go wrong with them"

Voldemort spent a long time staring at the spot that Harry and Diggory's body had Portkeyed away from. Finally, growling in frustration, he directed his followers in cleaning up the mess they'd made of the cemetery in Little Hangleton. He knew full well the danger muggles represented, so he had his followers cover their magical tracks whenever circumstances permitted.

Between the detritus of the ritual and the mess he had made when "dueling" Potter, it was hours before they were done.

The last tombstone was being righted when the sun peaked over the horizon. When Voldemort stepped from behind the shadow of a huge yew tree, his body promptly burned to ash and collapsed in place.

The assembled Death Eaters stared in shock.

"Damn," one quiet voice said. It was not angry nor shocked, rather tired and sad.

"What?" Malfoy nearly screamed at Pettigrew.

"I thought I removed the vampire portions of that ritual."

266. Scene by Jake Grey. Reproduced here with minor changes.

Lord Voldemort sat in a darkened interior room of the former Riddle family home, listening despondently as his thirty remaining followers sporadically fired curses and fought to shore up the wards against the onslaught. Spells from the wizards, Molotov Cocktails, stones and even firearms from the squibs and magic-aware muggles cascaded back at the crumbling old manor house, in defiance of a token effort by the Aurors to hold back the baying mob from burning down the building and killing everyone inside.

The Power The Dark Lord Knows Not turns out to be public relations, Voldemort growled silently, wincing as some sort of improvised bomb crashed through an upstairs window and detonated, sending several roofing nails through the ceiling and narrowly missing him.

A distinct magical vibration and a savage roar from the mob informed him that the wards had been defeated. Voldemort briefly debated retreat, but discarded the notion. A lifetime on the run, reviled by all yet regarded as little more than a loose end, forever tasting the bitter bile of defeat . . . Better death than that. Voldemort stood, and drew his wand. "Victory may be yours, Potter," he spat, "but in Slytherin's name, I shall make it a bloody one . . . Death Eaters!" he bellowed. "To me!"

Despite themselves, many of the mob were privately quite impressed at the courage with which the Death Eaters charged headlong, firing curses as they ran and inflicting many casualties before being overwhelmed. Voldemort was the last to fall, finally toppling under a barrage of curses from a small, picked band of wizards led by Harry Potter himself.

Voldemort jerked back to consciousness as a bucket of water hit him in the face, and looked from the baying crowds to his prophesied nemesis and scowled. "Not very Gryffindor of you to be here to gloat, Potter," he snarled.

"Maybe," Harry replied, smiling in a way that even Voldemort found disturbing, "but I wouldn't miss this for the world. Look behind you, Tom."

Voldemort hissed at the use of his despised muggle name, but turned anyway. Spotting the item that Potter meant, Voldemort inhaled sharply.

Even a pureblood would have immediately understood the purpose of the large wooden cross, and even the symbolism attached to it. Voldemort supposed that he ought to take it as a twisted sort of compliment.

Needless to say, this was of minimal comfort in the last eighteen hours of his life.

[a/n] Before anyone screams, look at the historical reasons for crucifixion instead of just the most famous example of it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crucifixion

267. Bunny by Evan Mayerle

Voldemort had won. Supreme Wizard on the planet.

Then he made his biggest mistake.

He tried to take over the muggles.

After pushing one of the former Eastern Bloc leaders, World War III was triggered. It ended a scant two hours later after the last nuclear explosion finished.

Voldemort continued, now completely alone on an irradiated planet shrouded in a perpetual layer of ash.

Without life, Magic dwindled away. Without magic, Voldemort continued getting weaker and weaker. Finally, old, frail, and utterly powerless, Voldemort laid on the rocky ground, waiting to die.

268. Bunny by me, inspired while writing #267

Voldemort had won. Supreme Wizard on the planet.

Then he made his biggest mistake.

He tried to take over the muggles.

His side lost the resulting, conventional war.

It took a few years, but he was finally hunted down by the winning side, dragged out of his small, underground hidey-hole, and executed for his part in instigating a war and various war crimes.

When the execution didn't work, they took him to a government lab. He was never seen again.

269. Scene by Gullwhacker. Reproduced here with minor modifications.

Harry and Voldemort met and dueled in the mountains. Voldemort taunted Harry as they fought, gloating that he can counter or stop anything Harry threw at him.

"Anything? You want to bet?" Harry asked.

"Indeed. I vow that I will stand here and block anything you care to throw at me!"

"Is that so . . ." Harry used a simple, well-aimed Blasting Curse. Not aimed at Voldemort but at the unstable mountainside behind him. "Have fun blocking my avalanche, Tom." Harry pulled out his broom and flew off as Voldemort, trapped by his own vow, tried to stop a force of nature.

270. Scene by Gullwhacker. Reproduced here with minor modifications.

Crabbe looked at his arm and grinned. The Dark Mark. He was truly part of the Dark Lord's forces now. However, he knew that other young Death Eaters - like Malfoy - held higher status, due to family connections. He knew that he'd have to work to prove himself to his new master. For this reason, he was holed up in the library, looking for new terrible spells he could use in the service of Lord Voldemort. Stumbling across one denoted 'very powerful', he grinned again. This would be perfect!

* * *

Voldemort was enjoying the Dark Revel he'd set up for his forces when a roar could be heard overhead. Looking up, he spotted a full-grown dragon, heading for his base of operations. Despite sporadic spellfire, the beast was undeterred and crashed into the middle of the Death Eaters.

Even as Voldemort prepared to unleash his deadliest spells against the beast, young Crabbe spoke up. "Don't worry, My Lord! I'll kill this thing!" And so, Crabbe unleashed the terrible spell he had learned. "Eradicus Totalus!"

The spell was easily powerful enough to destroy any mortal creature, even a dragon. It really was a shame, however, that Crabbe hadn't paid attention to the footnote on 'blast radius'.

271. Scene by Erin M Heckman. Reproduced here without modification.

Lord Voldemort was casually dining at one of his guilty pleasures, a renaissance festival. He was so into his beef stew in a bread bowl that he didn't realize the high speed projectile that was thrown by one of the entertainers. The plastic spork buried itself into the Dark Lord's throat, striking his jugular vein. It was all over in a mere 45 seconds.

272. Scene by Gullwhacker. Inspired by some fanfic plots he's read. Reproduced here without modification.

Harry smirked as he confronted Voldemort. "I've discovered the power you know not, Tom!" He then proceeded to explain how due to his mother being secretly an adopted daughter of a squib, he was actually the heir of Slytherin, Merlin, and several other famous wizards. Furthermore, he'd obtained magical power from seventeen different sources, at least four of which were both brand new and blatantly contrived.

Voldemort wound up bludgeoning himself with a large, stout object just to escape the idiocy.

273. Scene by The Crow. Reproduced here with minor modifications.

"So why are we gonna let him know the rest of the prophecy again?" asked Harry.

"Trust me mate, it'll work," replied Ron.

Voldemort's Private Chamber - Later that day

"Lucius, here, has succeeded in squeezing the rest of the prophecy out of that Weasley brat," said Voldemort.

The room erupted in cheers.

He then proceeded to explain that it would be him, and only him, that could kill Potter.

Suddenly a man who strongly resembled a rat spoke up. "So technically, My Lord, I . . . couldn't kill you right now?" he whimpered.

There was a sharp intake of breath throughout the room, but Lord Voldemort merely chuckled and opened his arms. "You are welcome to try."

The rat-like man suddenly pointed his wand at Voldemort and shouted, "Avada Kedavra!"

A flash of green light flew at Voldemort. His face showed momentary surprise, and then he fell over dead.

"That was easy," said Harry as the Polyjuice began to wear off.

"You owe me 5 galleons," said Ron tucking his long, blonde hair behind his ear.

274. Bunny by Killer07

The Cosmic Glutton prepared to devour the Earth. Just before its mouth closed upon the blue-green marble, a stray particle, the physical portion of a wizard in the process of apparating, was consumed first.

That particle gave the Cosmic Glutton such a case of immediate indigestion that it retreated to find a nice, soothing nebula to slurp down.

And that's how Voldemort saved the world.

275. Bunny by me.

"Come on, Tom! Sing with us!"

Young Tom Riddle sighed. It was just easier to humor Cindy.

"I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener . . ."

Poof!

276. Bunny by me.

Adfero: The Messenger Spell. Audio message is as if the sender were standing directly behind the recipient.

Auto-Spell: Experimental magical construct. Produced and still in testing by Fred and George Weasley. A method / contraption that can "store" a low-power spell and repeatedly (up to 1 every 5 seconds) cast it so long as a wizard is nearby to power it.

* * *

"Are you three sure of this?" Fred asked, staring at the three students.

"Yep."

"Fair enough," George said. "And may I say, this idea is utterly insane yet bloody brilliant."

Harry grinned. He pointed his wand at one of the Auto-Spell Machines in the room. "Adfero. Tom Riddle. Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer. Take one down, pass it around . . ."

Hermione pointed her wand at another Auto-Spell Machine. "Adfero. Tom Riddle. It's a small world after all . . ."

Ron knew his singing voice was by far the poorest in the Weasley clan (which was noted for its poor singing). He was just happy he had a chance to take advantage of that particular trait. He pointed his wand. "Adfero. Tom Riddle. Warty, warty Hogwarts . . ."

277. Scene by Gullwhacker. Reproduced here with minor modifications. Though apologies are probably due "The Princess Bride".

"Let me see if I understand properly, Potter. Due to this . . . prophecy about the two of us, you wish to end the conflict by having the two of us duel."

"That's right."

"Furthermore, because our brother wands, a duel of magic is out. A physical duel would just be stupid. So, you wish to have a duel of . . . wits?"

"Yes. As you can see, I've prepared two glasses here; one contains ordinary firewhiskey, the other pure Basilisk Venom." Harry, having previously set up a small table and two chairs, placed the glasses on the table and sat down. "You choose which one you believe is the venom, then we both drink."

Voldemort obligingly sat down. This was, indeed, a way to fulfill the prophecy. "Then let the duel begin. So, one of the glasses is closer to you than to me. Knowing that I have devoted my life to escaping death, you might have supposed that I would expect death to be far from me, and you would have thought that I would have thought that the glass closer to you would contain the venom. So, I should pick the glass closer to me."

Harry merely smiled.

"However, you would know that I would know that you would think that I would think that. Furthermore, your experience with my diary in your second year would have given you a tendency to keep basilisks as far from you as possible, meaning that the venom is in the glass closer to me, and I should take the one closer to you."

Harry merely tilted his head.

"Then again, you would know that I could deduce that; furthermore, you are insufferably Gryffindor and think nothing of putting yourself at risk, keeping the venom close to yourself out of sheer courage. So, given that I know that you know that I deduced that you knew that I knew that you thought that I'd think that, I should pick the glass closer to me."

Excepting Harry's eternally impassive expression, Luna Lovegood was the only one nodding at the Dark Lord's logic.

"However, given the most recent position of the thirteenth Zodiac constellation, Serpentarius, it's evident that - by Merlin, is that a Crumple-Horned Snorkack?!"

Obligingly, Harry, Luna, and many of the observers turned to look. Voldemort cast a surreptitious Switching Spell on the two glasses.

"I'm afraid I don't see it, Tom."

"Oh, dear, it must have been my imagination. In any event, I've decided." Picking up the closest glass, Voldemort raised it in a toast. Harry followed suit, and the two of them drank their respective drinks in a single gulp.

Harry, putting down his glass, smirked. "Goodbye, Tom."

Laughter was his response. "Goodbye indeed, foolish boy! While your back was turned, I switched the two glasses - you've just consumed your own death! This is your final lesson, little schoolboy - never go up against a Slytherin when death is on the line!"

Harry continued to smirk even as Voldemort threw back his head in maniacal laughter. Abruptly, the laughter stopped, and Lord Voldemort, a.k.a. Tom Marvolo Riddle, fell the rest of the way back, stone dead.

As the Death Eaters surrendered to the waiting Aurors, Hermione and Ron ran up to the victorious Harry. "Blimey, mate! How did you know that he'd switch glasses like that?"

Harry, accordingly, grinned. "I didn't - both glasses had the venom. Between my second year and the vial of Fawkes's tears I had earlier, I've an immunity to basilisk venom."

278. Scene by Eric Oppen. Reproduced here with minor modifications.

"Ah, ha!" screamed Voldemort. "I have you at last, Harry Potter! Get him, my loyal Death Eaters!"

Harry didn't look worried, merely holding up a hand. "Now, hold on, Death Eaters. What is this mook paying you, anyway?"

The Death Eaters looked nonplussed. "D'uh . . . pay us? We have to pay him!"

"Yeah, an' clean up after that snake of his!"

Harry nodded. "As I thought! How'd you like to come work for me instead? Five weeks a year paid holidays, medical and dental benefits, a retirement plan . . ." The Death Eaters ran forward and began kissing his hands and the hem of his robes. "I'll take that as a 'yes, we'd love to work for you.' See my secretary. Ginny, darling, draw up some more 'Crony of Harry Potter' contracts. And stick around after office hours, if you know what I mean, dear."

Voldemort erupted in rage. "Curse you, Harry Potter, you rich bastard! CURSE YOU! Every time we meet, this happens! I can't get any more Death Eaters in Britain!"

Harry laughed a superior laugh. "That's because I've hired them all myself! Give it over, Dole-de-mort! You'll never win!"

Voldemort jumped up and down in fury. "Oh, yeah? I'll . . . I'll import cheap foreign labor Death Eaters from the Commonwealth! I'll beat you yet, you rich swine!"

"Oh, no you won't," Harry replied. He gestured toward Lord Voldemort. "Get him, MY newly-loyal cronies!"

(The ensuing scene of Mindless Ultra-Violence and Voldemort-bashing has been CENSORED for YOUR PROTECTION by the Ministry of Magic. You are in error. No one is screaming. Thank you for your cooperation, and remember---the Ministry of Magic (MiniMaj) is Your Friend.)

28 Nov

29 Jan

279. Bunny by Kadd, who was inspired by Rorschach's Blot

Harry flipped tiredly through yet another spell book in an effort to find "The Power He Knew Not". This one was the one thousand six hundred and thirty-eighth book. That was only an estimate, of course.

Finally absorbing the information in front of him, he bolted upright in his chair. This was it! This was the way to win!

Harry hurriedly scribbled down the incantation and then paused. Why not modify it? Yes . . . Yes. Instead of having hot soup shoot through Voldy's nose, how about a thick beef stew?

280. Scene by Gullwhacker. Reproduced without modification.

Tom Riddle sat down at a desk in the library, taking out his Advanced Arithmancy course. Sure, it was a difficult subject, and most of the students had already given up, but he was better. Half-blood or no, orphan or no, he'd show them - he'd tackle the worst the professor could throw at him, without any help whatsoever! His resolve set, Tom set out to finish the assignment.

Two hours later, the professor took a second look at the assignment he'd handed out. "Oh dear, I seem to have reversed those runes . . . I think this is unsolvable now. Ah, well, I'm sure the students will ask for help." Leaning back in his chair, he didn't even see a frazzled Tom Riddle throwing himself from the Astronomy Tower in frustration.

281 . Scene by me

Voldemort and Harry stared at each other over the desk in Malfoy Manor's study.

"Truce?" Voldemort asked incredulously.

Harry nodded firmly.

"By what terms?"

"I leave you alone, you leave me alone." Voldemort frowned skeptically, so Harry expanded, "Neither you nor your agents cause, by methods direct or indirect, harm to me or Hermione Jane Granger nor Hermione Jane Potter as she will soon be known. In exchange, neither Hermione nor I will act, directly or indirectly, against you."

"Why are you doing this?" Voldemort asked.

"None of the idiots in the wizarding world ever did anything for me. Why should I duel you to the death for the benefit of a bunch of mindless sheep?"

Voldemort nodded. He understood that kind of logic. "Accepted." The two agreed on the wording of the oaths and then cast the Unbreakable Vow. Harry walked out of the former Malfoy Manor with a much lighter heart.

* * *

Harry and Hermione were married a month later.

Voldemort defeated the British wizarding world within six months.

* * *

A year later, a very frazzled Harry Potter led his very pregnant, very-much-in-labor wife into St. Mungo's Maternity Ward. As she was getting settled into a birthing suite, Harry rapidly filled out the admittance forms.

The clerk glanced over them and then frowned. "By order of Lord Voldemort, mudbloods are not admitted into St. Mungo's."

Miles away, sitting upon his throne, Voldemort's own Unbreakable Vow killed him.

282. Bunny by Killer07

Ginny frowned at Potter's glass of pumpkin juice. She knew she'd put the love potion in it. In point of fact, she'd been putting increasingly more powerful love potions into his drinks all year. That didn't keep Potter from snogging the daylights out of Padma at every opportunity, and Ginny was confused and exasperated by the potion's ineffectiveness.

Beside her, Rebecca Smythe, the best friend she had in her dorm, uttered a noise of disgust. "Another one?"

Ginny looked over to find a crow standing beside her plate, regarding her beadily.

"Your crazy stalker is still at it," Becky mentioned, seeing the black rose accompanying the note the crow had brought.

Ginny took the note while Becky warily watched the bird.

My Dearest Love,

I hope that this small token of my undying adoration brings a smile upon your beauteous face.

Yours Eternally,

Tom

"That's it!" she growled. Taking a spare bit of parchment, she scribbled for a few seconds before folding it over. She took out her wand and cast a series of spells at the letter. Done, she handed it to the bird. "Take this back to your master," she instructed it.

"What'd you do?" Colin asked curiously from across from her.

"Sent a Blasting Hex back in that letter to my crazy, anonymous stalker. Maybe now he'll leave me alone."

* * *

Tom Riddle, under the influence of dozens of Love Potions courtesy of the transference magic in Harry's scar, brought the note close to his heart before opening it.

283. Bunny variation by me based on 282.

Ginny was still frowning at Harry's pumpkin juice when Lord Voldemort burst into the room.

"Ginevra, my love! My heart is breaking every moment we are apart!" He strode over to the petrified girl, ignoring all the other scrambling, screaming students. Beside his target, he got down to one knee. "Ginevra, would you do me the great honor of -"

Harry Potter's full power Blasting Curse ripped through his chest.

284. Bunny variation by me based on 282.

Ginny looked at the black rose and glowered. Her crazy stalker was at it again.

Lord Voldemort burst into the room. "Ginevra, my love! My heart is breaking every moment we are apart!" He strode over to the girl, ignoring all the other scrambling, screaming students. Beside his target, he got down to one knee. "Ginevra, would you do me the great honor of -"

Ginny's full power Blasting Curse ripped through his forehead.

285. Scene by Killer07. Reproduced here with modifications.

Death was not a happy entity as it checked its computer. Because there was so much to do, it let the computer handle most deaths. The system merely gave an alarm when something went wrong. It was currently displaying the logs of one Tom Marvolo Riddle

Event: Death by backfired Killing Curse failed
Result: scheduled alternative death
Event: Death by Harry Potter's touch (magical anathema to him) failed
Result: scheduled alternative death
Event: Death by error in resurrection potion of Pettigrew failed
Event: Death by duel against Harry Potter failed
Error. Analyze cause of multiple failed deaths.

Analysis concluded.
High Priority Alarm: Horcrux detected and life force + magic of one Harry Potter being leeched off

Death hated it if mortals tried to cheat The List. It was too much work to reorganize The List if the deaths don't happen.

Death really hated it if someone tried to live off the life force of someone without consent (Death had no problems with the old grandfather getting a few extra hours through the people of his family to say goodbye).

Finally fed up with the situation, Death looked for Voldemort and found him possessing Harry Potter in the atrium of the British Ministry of Magic.

Death sighed. It disliked showing itself to mortals, but that would be the quickest and simplest way to collect Riddle. While there, may as well return Sirius Black, who wasn't scheduled for decades yet. Another upset in The List caused by this Riddle.

Oh Death really wasn't happy today, and Tom Riddle would become aware of this . . .

286. Bunny by ihatefanet.

The evening after his resurrection, Voldemort was forced to retire early. He thought it was because of the energy spent dueling the Potter brat or maybe it was simply that the body he was in was mere hours old.

In fact, it was the result of using A+ blood from Harry in the ritual. His natural blood type of B- didn't react well to this.

Lord Voldemort died in his sleep that evening of massive blood clots when his immune system started attacking the "invading" cells.

287. Scene by Pwn Master Paladin. Reproduced with modifications.

Harry and Voldemort stood on the field of battle facing one another. The groups around them paused in their individual battles to stare at the two respective leaders.

Harry was cut, bleeding, and in pain, the experience gap between the two too large. No matter what he did, what spell he cast, Voldemort was able to counter it.

"Any last words, boy?"

Harry looked up before smiling slightly. "Fawkes! Plan B!"

Voldemort tensed, looking around for the phoenix. When he didn't appear, he laughed at the broken form of his enemy. "Even the overgrown fire-turkey has left you, Potter. It can sense you are about to die! Avada Ke-"

SPLAT!

Harry stood slowly, holding his arm out for the phoenix to land upon. He stared down at the mess of body fluids that was once Lord Voldemort. Then he looked up at the black, trapezoid shaped anvil with the words "2 Tons" written on it.

"Flame travel, heavy loads, and loyalty to the Light. Most definitely a power he knew not."

288. Scene by Killer07. Reproduced with minor modifications (mostly to preserve my T+ rating).

As the war went on, the muggles became aware of the magic world and united forces against Lord Voldemort.

Despite this, everything went fine for Voldemort until he decided to attack a gathering of muggle and magic leaders to coordinate a defense against him. One of the guests was a police officer by the name of John McClane.

The biggest mistake made by the Death Eaters was torturing one Lucy McClane for fun and planning to have fun with her later. The last thing Voldemort ever heard was the line, "Yippee ki yay, motherfu-" BLAM!

29 Jan

28 Feb

289. Scene by Gullwhacker, inspired by a gadget in Paranoia. Reproduced here without modification.

Voldemort simply glared at the wizard-inventor before him. He'd had his minions 'recruit' the man because of his reputation for building brilliant - or insane - magical items.

What Voldemort hadn't anticipated was how bloody USELESS the items produced would be!

"Explain again. Slowly. With reasons that I shouldn't kill you right here and now."

"As I was explaining, milord, these Fire-and-forget picks would help your dark armies handle dental hygiene more quickly! You simply pull one toothpick from the box, toss it out, and it instantly finds the nearest teeth and cleans them!"

Voldemort was silent for a full minute before bellowing, "THE DARK LORD VOLDEMORT CARES NOT FOR TOOTHCLEANERS!", throwing the box to the ground in a fit of fury. The box burst, releasing two hundred automagic toothpicks.

Shortly thereafter, the bloody mist that had been Voldemort had a newfound appreciation for the term 'swarming'.

290. Scene by Pwn Master Paladin. Reproduced with minor modifications.

Harry stood in the seventh floor corridor, outside the inactive Room of Requirement. He paced back and forth, clearly picturing what he needed.

The door appeared, and Harry could suddenly hear shouting from within. He smiled before stepping in the door. There, handing by a rope over a vat of a potent solution, was Voldemort.

"Potter! What do you think you are doing!"

"Hello, Tommy-boy! I wouldn't try to get loose, those are magical ropes. They take all your magic and use it to make themselves unbreakable."

"Don't try to fool me, Potter! There is no such thing."

"This is the Room of Requirement, Tom. Anything I require is provided, whether said item exists or not. Now, be a good boy and die."

Harry hit a button and began lowering Voldemort into the liquid. "You think a mere potion can kill me, Potter? I'm immortal! No spell, potion, or magical item has any effect on me anymore."

"I know that, but you see, this isn't a potion. It's 'The Power He Knows Not'. You never did get to High School Chemistry, did you, Tom? I'm glad Hermione is so studious. That is a solution of extremely strong, extremely concentrated, sulfuric acid."

With that, Harry turned around with a smile. As he walked out of the door, Voldemort screamed in rage and pain as he was dissolved by a chemical most teenagers know is never a good thing to get on your skin.

291. Bunny by Killer07

Voldemort stared in disbelief at his army of followers. All dead or incapacitated, often in truly bizarre ways.

He looked at his own feet, encased in a perfect cube of concrete. His wand had simply vanished at some point.

Dark Lord Voldemort looked up at the one wizard who had done all of this with no apparent effort.

Harry Potter stood, casually leaning on a tree and studying the leaf he'd pulled from it.

"How . . ." Voldemort demanded, incapable of understanding what he'd seen.

Despite his apparent absorption with the common leaf in his hand, Harry heard and understood the incomplete question. "As it turns out, my grandfather isn't Harold Evans. Grandma was seduced by someone she thought was her husband one day, and Mum was born nine months later. Unfortunately for her, the powers she should have had never developed. Well, they developed in me."

Voldemort shook his head in utter confusion and denial. "Who or what was your grandfather, then?" he demanded, still trying to escape the situation.

"Q," Harry answered simply. With a snap of his fingers, Voldemort saw a bright flash of light.

292. Bunny by Killer07

"You don't want to do that," Dr. Venkman warned.

Walter Peck gave him yet another in a series of dirty looks. "Shut it down," he ordered the NYC utilities worker.

Venkman, Stantz, and Spengler all moved out of the room very quickly.

This fact was not lost on the electrician. The environmental protection official's merciless stare kept him from heeding all the obvious warning signs around him. Taking a deep breath, he threw the switch.

* * *

Within the energy matrix, the spirits classified themselves into two groups. The coherent ones and those that weren't.

Those that weren't hated everyone. Those that were coherent hated whoever had killed them.

When the energy cage shut down, they were all released to go where they pleased. Three dozen coherent spirits headed out over the Atlantic, toward the now-dark lord who had travelled to New York in his earlier years.

293. Scene by Gullwhacker. Reproduced here with minor modifications.

Voldemort exulted in his newfound power. An artifact he'd unearthed had unlocked the true potential of an oft-maligned branch of magic - Arithmancy. With this, however, he could use equations and rewrite reality itself!

In a flash, he relocated himself to Hogwarts. He brought his newfound power to bear, smashing against the wards. They held - barely. Smirking, Voldemort quickly drew up a new equation to make real, to fill himself with more power!

And then he imploded.

Two weeks later, after examining the remains, the forensic arithmancer determined that he'd attempted to divide by zero.

294 . Bunny by Killer07

As Fate came from her lunch break, she immediately spotted a problem. Her tapestry was unraveling.

Blinking in confusion over such an occurrence, it was well nigh impossible for that to be happening without a deity or ten present, she studied the tapestry to find the problem.

She quickly spotted the culprit, a black and green thread. It was doing . . . something in an attempt to modify the past!

She lifted her scissors with a long sigh. Can't have this young upstart ruin my vacation to Nirvana. It's been so very long since my last one.

With a single snip, Tom Marvolo Riddle abruptly vanished. And his followers believed he'd done something wrong with a time turner.

295. Scene by Gullwhacker. Reproduced here with minor modifications.

As his Death Eaters completed the ritual, Voldemort cackled. Searching the ruins of a fallen civilization, he had discovered that those ancient people had bound a Demon Prince to their will. The contract was never-ending. As he was now the sole holder of the knowledge, he could invoke the demon and wreak havoc upon the world!

The ritual completed, and a horrific, towering figure emerged from the summoning circle. Seeing its new masters, it bent to one knee. "What is thy bidding, master?"

* * *

Slowly bleeding to death, Voldemort wondered what had gone wrong. He sought to destroy his enemies, to rule the world. Now? His headquarters were in flames, his horcruxes had met with tragic accidents, his minions were all dead, and his nemesis - the Potter brat - was impassively watching him die. "Why? I had a Demon Prince at my command! How could I lose?"

Harry shook his head sadly. "Honestly, Tom. You should have thought this out - those ancient people had the demon on their side, and they were destroyed, too. That's what happens when you try to get the Demon Prince of Incompetence to do your dirty work for you."

296. Scene by Gullwhacker. Reproduced here without modification.

"All right, Adam, today the Mythbusters will be tackling a myth sent in by, of all people, a British viewer."

"Right you are, Jamie. We'll be tackling the myth that a Dark Wizard can make himself immortal by splitting his soul and embedding the pieces in various items."

"Our team has located those items and will be testing a secondary myth - that these 'Horcruxes' are indestructible. How are things going over there?"

* * *

"Well, to be properly scientific about all this, we've made sure to use plenty of C4, and-"

"Woohoo! We never get to use THAT many explosives at once!"

"We've inspected the site and...yes, nothing's left of them. This myth has been busted!"

* * *

"Well, that was quick. All that's left for today is to test the immortality myth - is the Dark Wizard still immortal after the destruction of those items?"

"Well, we're going to have to be just as scientific about this..."

297. Scene by Gullwhacker. Reproduced here without modification.

The knight waited, waiting for time to end his life. After that nasty business with the Nazis, the item that had given him near-immortality had been lost. Good riddance. He probably had only a few years left, anyway.

To his surprise, he heard voices approaching. Someone else had made their way past the three trials? Most curious. He straightened himself up, making sure to be a proper Knight of Arthur's Round Table when the new visitor arrived.

The visitor in question was a young man in dark robes. A look of greed was in his eye, and the knight decided to let him meet his fate. No need to mention that the cup of a carpenter was lost down a crevasse. "Choose, from these many cups, the true Holy Grail...but choose wisely."

298. Scene by Gullwhacker. Reproduced here without modification.

Harry stood in the clearing, waiting for the end. Voldemort obliged, unleashing the deadliest spell known to wizard kind. "Avada Kedavra!"

Unfortunately, they were wrong about their interpretation of how Lily's sacrifice worked. It was still active.

Harry blinked, bleeding from a second lightning bolt cut. "Well, that was strange."

299. Scene by Tildessmoo. Reproduced here with minor modifications.

"Damn!" Harry shouted as his bullets bounced off of Voldemort's shield.

"You thought the power I knew not was a gun?" the Dark Lord gloated. "Silly boy, I was a child during the Second World War! Of course I know what a gun is!"

Harry threw his revolver down in disgust and spoke into a walkie-talkie. "You were right, a handgun isn't enough. Time to break out the minigun." When Voldemort heard the name of Potter's next weapon, he burst out laughing. He stopped laughing when the first burst was fired.

300. Scene by Tildessmoo. Reproduced here with minor modifications.

The first thing he did after getting a job at Borgin and Burke's was to acquire a room at the Leaky Cauldron. That accomplished, Tom Riddle walked down to the common area for dinner; not the kind of fare he expected to become accustomed to when people recognized his greatness, but Tom, the new cook, did dish out a pretty decent stew that would do for now. However, he would still be one of the first to die; no one with that name deserved to live. He, himself, was an exception, as he was in the process of ensuring that he would be known to history only as Lord Voldemort.

After ordering his food, To- Voldemort looked around for a table. As was often true, the tavern was quite full, and seating was hard to come by. He did, however, find a seat at the bar. It would have to do.

"Excuse me." Turning, Voldemort found himself face to face with the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on. He knew, suddenly, that this must be a goddess come to earth, the only woman worthy of his attentions. "You're sitting in my husband's seat," she said.

"Well, I'm sure he won't mind if I borrow it for a moment," Voldemort said suavely. "I'm just waiting for my meal, then I'll be off to my private room. In the meantime, I'm delighted to make your acquaintance. The company makes the wait worthwhile. May I ask your name?"

"I think my husband will mind very much. He has a... history of becoming violent at times. He no longer goes mad quite the way he used to, but he is still quite jealous."

"Like I said," he smarmed, knowing that the secret was just to keep her talking to him, "I'll be gone soon; I'm sure he won't mind. You may call me Voldemort."

"Oh! How rude of me!" the woman exclaimed. "My name is Hebe. My husband and I are actually visiting England at the moment; we're originally from the north of Greece." Voldemort felt a chill as a shadow several times his size covered him from behind. "Oh, hi, honey! I was just telling Mister Voldemort here about us!"

28 Feb

Author Notes:

As I've said at the beginning of the past few chapters, I add scenes to these chapters as ideas are sent to me or occur to me. Once a chapter is at 50, I start the next chapter. The fact that this chapter has less than 50 is NOT AN ERROR.

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