1001 Deaths of Lord Voldemort
One Hundred and One to One Hundred and Fifty
Still adding to this story as ideas occur to me or are sent in.
101. Another bunny by Killer07
"We've been thinking, boy."
Those words, coming from Uncle Vernon, never bode well for Harry.
"Much as we've tried, beating the unnaturalness out of you hasn't worked. So we're going to show you what normal people look and act like. Maybe that will sink into your mind."
Harry looked at him quizzically but didn't say a word.
"Your Aunt Petunia has recorded her soaps this past year. You're going to sit yourself down and watch how normal people act."
So it was an hour later that Harry was desperately trying to do something to escape this situation.
In his efforts, he managed to find a way to push the memories and images away from his mind. Again calm and safe within his own mind, Harry calmly spent the entire summer in front of the Dursley's telly.
Voldemort, on the other hand, slipped into a coma within a day.
102. Another bunny by Killer07
"The prison of Azkaban has some modified defenses. The fools in the Department of Mysteries think that some muggle idea will help them." Voldemort smirked to show his opinion of that conclusion. "Use invisibility and disillusionment charms. We will attack the prison, liberate our comrades, and kill every auror."
Later that evening, the automated defense system, using infrared detectors and a modified radar, detected intruders in its detection sphere. And according to its programming, it swiveled two chain guns in that direction.
103. Another bunny by Killer07
On another muggle raid, this time in America, Voldemort barely glanced at the name on the post box, "Szalinski", before he blasted in the garage door and strode through the flaming wreckage.
Only to find a large contraption next to a small man in glasses.
Easy enough to fix. "Avada Ke-"
A bright light cut him off. When he blinked his eyes clear, everything in the world, from the muggle to the walls of the garage, had expanded hugely. Voldemort looked around, trying to figure out what the muggle had done.
His eyes stopped moving when he spotted a half-dozen black ants, roughly the size of horses, scurrying toward him, antenna waving and mandibles clicking.
104. Another bunny by Killer07
Voldemort looked at the defective portkey in his hand. "Damn," he muttered.
"Who the hell are you?" asked a male voice.
Voldemort looked up to find a graying man, a pixie-like woman, another man with glasses, and a third man with a strange gold emblem on his forehead. They were all wearing camouflage uniforms. The big black man with the emblem had some sort of tall staff in his hands, but two of the others clearly had muggle weapons slung across their chests.
Well, even if the new portkey didn't get him into Hogwarts like he wanted, a spot of muggle-torture would cheer him up. Step one, of course, was to scare the daylights out of them. Therefore, he let his magic seep into his voice, creating an echoing quality that was truly awe-inspiring to those who'd never heard it before. "Bow before me, mortals, and I may spare your lives."
"Oh, great. Not another one," the graying man, apparently the leader, remarked. He pulled a hand-held weapon from somewhere and leveled it at Voldemort.
Smirking, Voldemort put up a Shield Charm. No muggle projectile weapon could possibly penetrate it.
Three shots from his zat'ni'katel later, Jack O'Neill turned his head. "I thought you said there weren't any Goa'uld on this planet, Carter!"
Major Samantha Carter was looking at the spot previously occupied by the stranger. "Sorry, Colonel, I didn't think there were."
105. Another bunny by Killer07
Voldemort landed on his feet with a grunt He'd had to apparate blind out of the fight. Now just to figure out where he had landed.
"Seventh chevron locked. Opening a wormhole." The voice over an intercom was calm, as if such a phrase was commonplace.
Voldemort heard a strange series of noises behind him and turned around just in time to see a billowing, blue surface rush out of a large ring structure. It was headed right toward him.
106. Another bunny by Killer07
Tom Riddle stepped out of Borgin and Burkes, locking the door behind him. Another day complete, he turned to walk toward the apparition point to get back to his flat.
A phalanx of goblins, battle armor and halberds in plain evidence, came marching through Knockturn Alley. "Sub-human animals," he muttered, watching them approach.
To his astonishment, they stopped directly in front of him.
"Tom Riddle?" the one in front stated in the form of a question.
"Yes," he sniffed, looking back disdainfully.
The goblin pulled a parchment from within its armor and handed it forward. "Per the contract signed between Jung Gaunt and Gringotts bank, you owe us ten thousand galleons."
Riddle blinked in utter confusion. "What?"
"Your ancestor borrowed money from Gringotts. It was agreed that we would receive ten thousand galleons two hundred years later, today, from his heir. So, we will have our money, right now."
Riddle's eyes narrowed. "Or?" he asked dangerously.
The goblin smiled back, showing all of its small, sharp teeth. "Or your life."
107. Another bunny by Killer07
Harry's mind seemed to go into overdrive as he thought about what he'd just heard.
Blood of the enemy, forcibly taken . . . Magic is a tricky thing. It's very precise and exacting in its requirements.
Harry looked up at Wormtail, timing his next words very carefully. As the blood began to drip from the knife in Wormtail's hand, he shouted around the gag, "I give you that blood!"
108. "Original Bunny by Crys" (R, tm, C, patent pending)
"Dobby, any house-elf bound to me is obligated to fulfill all of my orders, correct?"
"That is being true, Master Harry Potter Sir."
"Even at risk to themselves?"
"That is being true, Master Harry Potter Sir."
"Just so I'm absolutely certain about this: despite the elf's personal feelings or legality of the action, they must do as I order, correct?"
"That is being true, Master Harry Potter Sir."
"Thank you, Dobby. As your master I order you to immediately go and kill by decapitation - and destroy the remains of - Tom Marvolo Riddle also known as Voldemort as rapidly as you're capable, Kreacher."
109. Another bunny by Killer07
Voldemort led a dozen of his followers through the Forbidden Forest, trying to penetrate the Hogwarts defenses.
Rustling and clicking noises came from all directions before a dry, raspy voice reached their ears. "My mate promised Friend Hagrid not to prey upon humans. I did not. I thank you for feeding my family."
Hundreds of acromantula fell upon the small group of wizards.
110. Scene submitted by JBern, used with permission and without modification
"Yes. Set it there. In the center." Wormtail directed the two moving men setting up his Master's new throne chair. This new one looked fit for an emperor.
Inspecting the chair on the raised dais Pettigrew was pleased. One of the movers started to sit in the chair only to find himself staring at the point of Wormtail's wand. "No one sits in the Master's chair except the Master!"
Cowered the two men quickly were led from the room by Severus Snape. Pettigrew knew they would be Obliviated before they were allowed to leave.
In the corridor leading to the apparition point Snape regarded the two nondescript men from Two Wizards and a Magic Carpet knowing the polyjuice would wear off in ten more minutes. "You're certain the device is armed?"
"Next person to sit on it goes boom. Right Gred?"
"Absolutely Forge. Twenty Kilos of that C-4 stuff, that Harry bought. Should do nicely."
111. Scene by "JBern through a dark hga filter and slightly modified by Crys"
Lord Voldemort staggered and fell to his knees, casting yet another powerful blasting curse into the enemies surrounding him. His body was covered with cuts and bruises, and all his
loyal Death Eaters lay amongst the carnage.
It was a cruel joke. The most powerful wizard in history brought down by a horde of house elves armed with enchanted kitchenware. He had expected to find Harry Potter here but instead found what must be every house elf in Britain lying in ambush. He couldn't apparate and somehow his Portkey had been negated.
He destroyed another three, but then his yew wand was knocked from his hand while pots and pans dumped scalding water on him from above. The pain was excruciating.
As the tiny creatures surrounding him closed in, sinister torchlight glinted off the deadly implements they wielded.
"Why? What have I ever done to you?"
The nearest one swatted him in the eye with a ladle while raising a gleaming meat cleaver. "Mistress Hermione Granger tolded the house-elveses that yous curseded Mistress Hermione Granger to makes her tries to free house-elveses. She-Who-Knits cannot be stopping in trying to free house-elveses until Dark Wizard Riddle be dying."
In the Great Hall that evening, Ron Weasley complained, "I wonder what's keeping dinner tonight?"
Hermione pounded the table making everyone around her jump. "Maybe the house elves are busy tonight. Maybe you can just wait a little while. Quit your whining!"
"But Hermione, what could be more important than dinner?"
112. Bunny by Puck
During the Final Battle, Harry and Voldemort ignored everything going on around them. A heavy wind came up, but they battle on, oblivious.
Oblivious until an old, wooden house fell upon Voldemort.
Out of the front door stepped a teenaged girl. She looked around before saying to the small dog she was carrying, "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto."
113. Bunny by Puck
A meeting of the Order of the Phoenix was in progress when Severus Snape arrived, cape billowing and smirk firmly in place. "I have defeated the Dark Lord for you."
Utter silence met his claim for a few moments. "How?" Ron Weasley finally asked.
I gave potions to Dolores Umbridge, Cornelius Fudge, and Gilderoy Lockhart then sent them to the Dark Lord by portkey."
"What potion? Something explosive, maybe?" Ron asked hopefully.
Snape grinned, a horrifying sight to his former students. "Unquenchable Lust."
114. Bunny by veive
Harry didn't last long in the Final Battle. With Voldemort having decades of experience on him, he didn't really expect to.
"Okay, time for the power he knows not," Harry muttered to himself.
With that, he changed into his animagus form of [pick one] and quickly defeated Voldemort.
A) tyrannosaurus rex
B) Hungarian horntail dragon
D) dark phoenix
K) blast-ended skrewt
L) saber-toothed tiger
Y) jungle troll
115. Bunny by Panaka.
Voldemort gazed at his follower from his throne. "Report."
Snape bowed before speaking, "The Potter boy is going to be on a small island off of the Scottish coast tomorrow. He is there to perform a ritual." Snape extended a piece of parchment. "My Lord, if you show up at those coordinates at exactly 10:34 in the morning, you will find the boy at a crucial time in the ritual. He will be drained of power and totally defenseless."
~ 10:34 off the Scottish coast ~
Voldemort arrived on the island, wand drawn and a Killing Curse on his lips. Not finding a magically exhausted Harry Potter anywhere, he looked around a moment more, seeing many craters on the island. A noise causes him to look up.
An R.A.F. Tornado fighter-bomber released two 500 pound bombs at the local bombing range.
On the Scottish coast, Severus Snape, Albus Dumbledore, and Harry Potter peer through omnioculars at the distant explosions.
116. Another bunny by Panaka
Voldemort stepped out of the shower and slipped on a puddle of water. Before he could catch himself, his head slammed into the sink and then the floor.
117. Another bunny by Panaka
On a June morning before starting his seventh year at Hogwarts, Tom Riddle apparated to Normandy. Putting a Notice-Me-Not Charm over himself, he sat down a short way back from the beach overlooking the English Channel and stared at the water as he laid his plans for conquering the wizarding world.
Out to sea, Allied battleship H.M.S. Warspite began shore bombardment to prepare the way for the invasion of Sword Beach.
118. Another bunny by Panaka
Flesh of the servant, willingly given.
Too bad Wormtail was having serious doubts about following this psychotic madman.
119. Another bunny by Panaka
Bone of the father, unknowingly given.
Too bad Tom Riddle senior's ghost was watching the events.
120. Bunny by Heather
Voldemort entered the workspace of the Seer he'd recruited. "You wished to see me?"
"I did, My Lord, and thank you for coming to me. I wished to show you something in the crystal ball, and it's easier for you to come here instead of me trying to bring -"
Voldemort waved it off. "I'm aware of the difficulties in transporting a working, sensitive crystal ball." He'd kept it a close secret, but he'd actually been very good at Divination and was fascinated by the subject. "What do you wish to show me?"
The Seer moved to the side and pointed at the ball. "It appears to be a treasure trove of magical artifacts, My Lord."
Voldemort peered in the scrying device intently. His eyes widened after a few seconds. He didn't even recognize most of the items in view, but the ones he could identify would be invaluable. "Where is this?" he asked softly.
The Seer wrote out the set of apparition coordinates. "Here, My Lord. It is the west coast of the United States."
Voldemort studied the parchment for a moment. Deciding not to waste any time retrieving such valuable items that were apparently just sitting in the open, he drew his wand and apparated across the globe.
Right onto a movie set immediately before it was blown up by the special effects team.
121. Another bunny by Heather
Voldemort apparated into the library, intent on denying his enemies the information in the one remaining copy of a tome that detailed the lightest of light magics. He turned his wand toward the softly glowing book and prepared to burn it to ashes.
Unfortunately, he'd appeared immediately in front of a convention of librarians.
A copy of Encyclopedia Britannica Magicka, expertly thrown by Irma Pince, caused a premature end to the Dark Lord's reign of terror.
122. Another bunny by Killer07
Voldemort's trek through the Forbidden Forest was stopped by two centaurs blocking his path.
He narrowed his eyes at them. "I am doing no harm to your forest, centaur. Let me pass."
Magorian slowly shook his head. "As a child we allowed you to exit our forest unscathed, Tom Riddle. You are adult now and do not get the same consideration as you did then."
123. Bunny by Stupid Fox
Panicked and losing badly, Voldemort apparated out of the fight.
He wasn't focused sufficiently.
They were still finding bits and pieces of his splinched form two weeks later, hundreds of miles away.
124. Bunny by Zvoni
I wish a temporary truce, just long enough to discuss my joining your group as your chief lieutenant.
Bring this portkey to my location, and we can discuss the particulars.
Harry J Potter
Harry sent the letter and portkey off with an owl. Grinning slightly, he looked at the photograph he'd used as a destination image.
N.A.S.A. had taken the image from a quarter of a mile away from the International Space Station.
125. Bunny by Viglant
Voldemort held the portkey in hand, ready to cast a Bubblehead Charm and then activate the portkey at a moment's notice. He was just waiting for his spy to tell him when the Potter brat was at the edge of the Hogwarts Lake. The signal finally came. A moment later, he portkeyed out and into the lake.
Before he could move toward the shore, a swarm of grindylows hit him, knocking his wand from his hand and disrupting the Bubblehead Charm sufficiently that he could no longer breath. Chasing after their herd, a dozen merpeople swam by, slowing only long enough to slash at him with their knives and spears for setting the grindylows into panic. To add insult to injury, the giant squid grasped him in one of its large tentacles and pulled him toward its hard beak.
Harry and Hermione, busy snogging on the lakeshore, never even noticed the disturbance out in the water.
126. "Original Bunny by Crys" (R, tm, C, patent pending)
With her Master's permission, Nagini kept the rodent population down in the old Riddle mansion.
Unfortunately for Wormtail, Voldemort hadn't told Nagini not to eat that rat in particular.
Unfortunately for Voldemort, his temporary homunculus form was utterly unable to prepare any food for itself.
127. Another bunny by Killer07
Voldemort looked with disgust at the animal before him.
For a variety of reasons, the latest raid had to be conducted when riding the back of a living, flying animal. He'd wanted a pegasus, but after losing three of his Death Eaters trying to catch one, he gave up that idea. He'd then wanted a thestral, but they proved to be untamable.
So he had to settle for this.
Keeping the disgusted expression on his face, it was a stupid animal after all and didn't deserve anything more, he moved toward.
It should have occurred to him that he never had a Care of Magical Creatures class that covered this particular species. Even Draco Malfoy could have told him that that approaching a hippogriff in anything other than a respectful manner would lead to unfortunate consequences.
128. Bunny by Sakiku
Voldemort irritably scratched at his arm. For the last few days, he had been itching like mad. None of the salves Snape had brewed had helped, and none of his vast knowledge did him any good for such a pedestrian problem.
He was horrified when a large, meaty strip simply peeled from his arm.
And still it itched.
One thing about the resurrection ritual he'd performed on himself had done was to give him a very close tie with snakes. He'd expected that his own parselmouth ability would enhance this. He was correct, getting him Nagini as a familiar had produced all sorts of benefits, not the least of which was the sustenance he'd received from her at the time.
He'd also gained several snake-like features. In addition to some external features that appeared snake-like (it privately amused him how is followers were now outright terrified of his simple appearance), he'd also gained their reflexes, some agility, and their direct methods of thinking.
However, humans or near-humans don't survive shedding their skin at all well.
129. Scene submitted by Sakiku. Reproduced here without modification.
For a change, Asgard Commander Thor was quite bored. His ship was stationed in earth orbit, and he was waiting for the SG-center to come up with an answer to their latest problem.
Idly, he flipped channels on his computer screen that was fed by several hundred thousand surveillance cameras. Humans in all sizes and colors went after their daily routine.
Suddenly, Thor sat up straight and played back the footage he had just watched. And then played it again in comparison to other footage he had recorded. Well, he wasn't an expert on human physiognomy, but that man clearly was an anomaly.
Nobody knew it, but Asgard could growl quite fervently. Thor was making liberal use of that mode of speech.
"I swear it, Loki, this time you've gone too far! Breeding humans with goa'uld and then letting that experiment run amok! It will be my pleasure to clean this planet of such an abominable creature."
With a cackle nobody would have thought such a frail figure capable of, his thin fingers hit a button.
130. Another bunny by Sakiku.
"My dear Bella, is this what I think that is?"
"I am not certain what you think it is, Master."
"A muggle alarm clock."
"No, Master, I don't think it is an alarm clock. It is counting backwards. See? First, it was 60 seconds, now it is at 35."
"So it is. Very well, what do you believe it to be?"
"I'd say it is an egg-timer."
"Why would someone send me an egg-timer?"
"If I were to hazard a guess, it would be to make sure that you don't over boil your eggs. I know you like them best when they are still soft in the middle."
"What a thoughtful gift. It cannot be a current model though because nowadays, the power source is included inside the egg-timer, not linked to it by several red and blue wires. Strange that it doesn't come with an off-button..."
131. Another bunny by Sakiku
Two bound captives, wearing common brown robes, were brought before Lord Voldemort.
As Voldemort was looking at them, the smaller one with a long braid down one side of his head said, "Master, do you feel it, too?"
Before Lord Voldemort could speak, the other one, this one with a graying beard, said, "Yes, Padawan, I do. It is a great disturbance in the Force."
"I believe it to be the Dark Side, Master."
"I agree. I do not feel that negotiations will be needed."
Before Voldemort could ask what the two were babbling about, a pair of lightsabers ignited.
132. Scene by Sakiku. Reproduced here with only minor spelling changes.
Quite bored by a resting period after last night's raid, Lord Voldemort was looking for entertainment. Moving from room to room in his huge mansion, he was pestering his Death Eaters.
Bella was currently knitting silver and green socks for her Draco-poo. Voldemort fled before she offered to enlighten him on the finer details of embroidery.
Crabbe and Goyle were standing opposite each other, looking at the other's bulging groins respectively. "Didn't quite work. With Lissa, it always did," Crabbe enunciated slowly.
"Mhm," Goyle nodded dumbly, "maybe that's why Manx always makes me take off my trousers first." Voldemort fled that scene, too, especially since he had left the two of them last evening in the
very same pose.
Severus Snape was scowling at a stack of paper, a quill dipping into blood-red ink over and over again and scrawling furious notes.
"What are you doing, Severus?"
The potions master looked up with a sneer on his face - that quickly rearranged itself into a pleasant expression at the sight of his visitor. "Grading potions essays, Master."
Lord Voldemort debated with himself. Should he or should he not? Finally, he decided that he was bored enough, and he had always liked potions. "Let me help you, my servant. You must have precious little time with all those miscreants you teach."
Severus Snape shot him an odd look. "Yes, Master. They make the same mistakes over and over again, never learning a thing."
Sitting down in a chair opposite his spy, Lord Voldemort grabbed the nearest stack of parchment and an unused quill. When seeing the even odder look from his spy, he commented: "I haven't had potions for quite some time, but I still know enough to mark those for you."
"Yes, Master," came the reply with barely suppressed astonishment.
For some time, everything was quiet except the furious scribble of two quills and the liberal application of red ink. Suddenly, the Dark Lord gave out a bellowing laugh.
"What is it, Master?"
"I don't know why you are complaining so much about that boy; he wrote the same things I would have. Quite a bright boy, I must say."
"Master, are we talking about the same boy? The one I know is a disaster."
"Yes, yes, Severus. Unless you have two of them, this is the same one. I'd say he has as much talent as I have."
His spy was now shooting him a look he couldn't quite identify. With a flourish, Voldemort drew a bright red 'O' onto the parchment.
"But, Master, how can you say the boy has as much talent as you when he brews such rot?"
Severus Snape took out a vial of an unidentifiable, light blue substance. "This is supposed to be a calming potion."
Taking the vial with the potion that the boy - whose essay he had just marked as his equal - had brewed, Lord Voldemort quickly got to know the power he knew not.
Neville Longbottom could make any potion into an explosive.
133. Another scene by Sakiku. Reproduced here with only minor spelling changes.
Lord Voldemort and Harry Potter were facing each other in a classic stand-off. As evil megalomaniacs are wont to do, Lord Voldemort started bragging about his power and his evilness.
"So, you see, there is no way for you to defeat me. In addition to my powers as the Heir of Slytherin, I also have access to all of your powers through your blood."
Harry Potter looked decidedly unmoved. "Sorry to interrupt you, but you are not the Heir of Slytherin. That would be me, and since I came into my full heritage last summer, my blood work changed so much that anything you have of mine is horribly outdated."
"But the Chamber opened for me!"
"It would have opened for any Parselmouth."
"I commanded Slytherin's own Basilisk."
"After 800 years of being locked in, it would have followed anyone."
"I will kill you for being so obstinate!"
"How? Your spell worked really well the last time."
"That was a fluke protection spell from that mudblood that whelped you. But since I have your blood, it is nullified now."
"Nope. It was the prophecy that protected me. You first had to mark me as your equal."
"That means it won't protect you now."
"Oh, but it will. The rest says that 'one has to die at the hands of the other'. I doubt that a killing curse qualifies as your 'hands'."
"That is a load of cow-dung. After all, I am older and far more knowledgeable than you ever will be. Since it will be my hands that wield the wand for your killing spell, the prophecy won't protect you."
"Sorry to disappoint you. We found the library of Atlantis recently, and a very helpful studying charm. All evidence points that the prophecy has to be taken literally."
"My practical knowledge is still a lot better. It will take you years to catch up."
"The Room of Requirement solved that problem for me. I just required more time to study, and it gave me several years in one month."
"You don't look any older."
"But without your wand, you are helpless."
"So are you. And I'm not as helpless as you think. I learned some wand less magic, too, and if that doesn't help, I can do elemental magic. I doubt you're immune fire at to several thousand degrees."
"What boasting. I doubt that you can follow through with those threats. And anyway, as soon as your attention wavers, I will kill you."
"Constant Vigilance, you mean? I took those lessons to heart months ago. Adding that to my newfound sense of magical awareness, and I am always prepared. By the way, Bella, you should watch out."
Bella Lestrange, who was dueling Neville Longbottom off to the side, looked towards him. "Watch out for what?"
That short moment of distraction was enough for Neville to sneak in a Disarming Charm, quickly followed by a body bind.
"That expelliaramus," Harry helpfully added just a tad too late. Turning back to Voldemort, he explained. "I've somehow inherited the power to see into the future. That must be something of the Ravenclaw heritage through my mother's side. Oh, did I forget to mention that? I'm the heir of all four founders, and the last of the line of Merlin, too."
Voldemort was looking increasingly anxious. "But I am a genius! You will never be able to thwart my plans."
"Those plans you have secretly been stashing away in your bedroom closet? Snape has kept us informed of them. To be honest, they are so faulty that you could drive trucks through their holes."
Now, Voldemort was positively green in his face. His complexion did not mesh well with his red eyes. "You are lying! You never managed to get around to blocking me out, so I know that isn't true!"
Harry raised an eyebrow. "You think you know my mind? You see exactly what I let you see. After fifth year, I knew to get serious about defending my mind. If I wanted to, I could crush you right now with my mental powers alone."
That was the moment when Hermione finally finished her dimensional spell and sent an inattentive Voldemort into a hell dimension. The rest of the Death Eaters was quickly defeated without their lord.
Harry and Ron flopped down into the grass. Ron exclaimed. "Whew, we're lucky you managed to discover the powers he knows not and stall him long enough."
Harry nodded. "Yeah. Didn't know I could bluff so well, either."
134. Bunny by raining flowers
". . . and kill every witch or wizard you come in contact with," Voldemort finished his instructions to the horde of Inferi he was about to release on Hogwarts.
The Inferi, being mindless creatures, followed their instructions exactly. By starting with Voldemort and every other Death Eater massed for the attack.
135. Bunny by raining flowers
A strong wind blew through the forest of Albania. One of the oldest trees, an ancient birch worn down by time, weather, and insects, finally toppled.
Directly on top of the snake that Wraith-Voldemort that had just possessed.
136. Bunny by Miss Whiskers
Voldemort, after successfully infiltrating Hogwarts, moved toward the Gryffindor Common Room. A series of almost-forgotten charms against the portrait-guardian, and he entered the common room of his archenemy.
He didn't even have to look for the boy. Harry was instead running toward him, carrying a book.
Before the Dark Lord could react, Harry shoved the book in his hands and bolted for a chair by the fireplace.
Dumbfounded by the boy's actions, Voldemort simply gaped.
Hermione Granger, blood in her eyes, stormed into the common room. "I'm going to obliterate whoever has my -"
She cut off as she spotted the object of her angry search, and her wand came up. Students bolted in every direction. An angry Hermione was something that nobody wanted any part of.
The last thing Voldemort ever saw was the title of the book in his hands. Hogwarts: A History.
137. Scene by Meteoricshipyards. Reproduced here with only very minor changes.
"He's coming. Soon!" Harry Potter told his friends as he wandered Hogwarts castle.
"But you've got to eat, mate!" Ron insisted.
"Listen to him. You have to keep up your strength," Hermione said.
"I can't eat anything, knowing that Voldemort is going to attack soon!" He broke away from his friends and disappeared into the castle.
As they entered the Great Hall then encountered Luna.
"What's wrong with Harry?"
"He won't eat. He's sure that Voldemort is coming."
Luna gave them that unfocused stare and said, "Of course Voldemort is coming. And Harry doesn't need sustenance for his body. He needs something to fortify his soul." She picked a banana from the Gryffindor table.
Hermione looked at her skeptically. "A banana will fortify his soul?"
"Of course!" Luna left the Great Hall.
A short time later, she found Harry wandering around the east wing on the fifth floor.
"Hi, Luna. I don't mean to be rude, but I'm not good company right now."
"That's all right, Harry. I've felt that way, too. Here." She handed him the banana.
"Uh, thanks, Luna, but I'm not really hungry."
"It's not for eating, although you can if you want to."
"If it's not for eating, then what am I going to do with this banana?"
"You take it someplace high, like the astronomy tower, peel it, and toss the peel over your right shoulder."
"Is that for luck? Like tossing salt over your shoulder?"
"No, but I probably should have brought some salt, too. You can't have too much luck. But a banana peel is for getting rid of Dark Lords."
"No, really. Go on, try it."
Harry shrugged and headed up to the Astronomy Tower. It was too early in the evening, so the procession of couples who used the tower hadn't started yet. He looked at the banana, shrugged again, and peeled it. Tossing the banana peel over his shoulder, he looked over the wall at the lake reflecting the darkening sky.
It was peaceful up here, and he was completely unprepared when a voice spoke to him.
"Potter! I thought I'd have to search the castle for you! But here you are waiting for me. Prepare to die!"
Harry spun around, whipping out his wand and casting a stunner before it even registered that it was Lord Voldemort who spoke to him.
The Dark Lord almost lazily sidestepped the curse, revealing the broom he must have used to get here leaning up against the tower wall. Unfortunately for him, he stepped right on the banana peel.
Back in the Great Hall Hermione gasped in the silence, "What was that?"
Luna answered in her dreamy voice, "Unless I'm mistaken, that was a Dark Lord plummeting off of the Astronomy Tower."
138. Scene by Stupid Fox. Reproduced here without modification
Severus Snape rushed into Voldemort's throne room, holding a tattered piece of parchment.
"My Lord, I have managed to locate and secure this map from the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix, the former Black Manor."
"Indeed, Severus? What secrets does it hold?"
"That doddering old fool attempted to hide it away in the attic; it shows the location of a storehouse of Central American demon-summoning lore. Shall I make a Portkey?"
"At once, Severus. Specify it for three people; I shall be taking Wormtail and Bellatrix with me."
"Yes, my Lord."
(Five minutes later, in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean)
Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ron Weasley stood on the bridge of the Type 42 Royal Navy destroyer HMS Southampton as Lord Voldemort, Bellatrix Lestrange, and Peter 'Wormtail' Pettigrew passed through that mysterious region known as the Bermuda Triangle.
139. Bunny by Heather
Harry Potter cautiously looked into the room that he knew contained Fluffy. He expected to find the cerebus asleep, as his friend Hagrid had admitted he'd let the information slip.
Instead, Fluffy's three heads were all very much awake, blood spattered, growling, and very, very agitated.
At his feet lay the dismembered body of Professor Quirrell.
In the corner, an enchanted harp was playing discordant and jarring notes, not at all conducive to lulling a giant, three-headed dog to sleep.
140. Bunny by Heather
The newly-resurrected Voldemort apparated into Diagon Alley in the dead of night and made his way to a little-used entrance to Gringotts. Known only to a select few, the bank was actually open all hours. If you were trying to get to the right vaults.
"Yes?" the goblin on duty asked, not flinching at Voldemort's inhuman appearance.
"Slytherin's vault," he ordered brusquely. He knew there was no point in rebuking the goblin. It would only give the creature perverse enjoyment in delaying in his duties. Besides, without an audience, there was no point in railing at the sub-human.
Voldemort shortly stood in front of vault number 3, the one originally belonging to Salazar Slytherin. He walked confidently up to the doors and placed his hand on the indentation.
Neither Harry Potter, Tom Riddle Sr., nor Peter Pettigrew were the blood heirs of Slytherin. The vault door acted predictably (to all but Voldemort) at this attempted intrusion.
After wiping the blood off his face, the goblin sighed and called for a cleaning crew.
141. Scene submitted by JBern. Reproduced here with only minor changes.
Their battle had raged from the grounds of Hogwarts deep into the Forbidden Forest. Harry had constantly given ground, not wanting innocents to get caught in the crossfire. He dove out of the way of yet another salvo of lethal magic. He was uncertain how much longer he could last.
“You’re hanging by a thread, Potter. I’m toying with you now,” the Dark Lord gloated. The yew wand weaved an intricate pattern, and Harry was seized by the limbs of the large oak tree he was seeking cover behind.
Voldemort scoffed at his so-called nemesis thrashing desperately to escape. “Did you hope to lead me to the spiders? I should have let you. They are in my camp now. I’ll send your body to them with my regards. Perhaps you hoped I would fall to the giant or in a volley of centaur arrows. The giant is dead, and the centaurs have my promise that Mars will not shine brightly over their forest during my reign. I have accounted for all possibilities.”
He had barely enough time to register the smile on Potter’s face before an auto engine roared to life. The beat up Ford Angelia managed to accelerate to about 40kph by the time it hit Voldemort, sending him sprawling over the hood. The car skidded and braked hard, kicking up a dirt storm from the ground as the car shifted into reverse. Voldemort fell to the ground and scrambled for his wand, but the last sight his eyes would register was the rusty, dirt encrusted bumper and the ominous whitewall tire rolling onto his head.
Harry fell to the ground. The Angelia was looking in dire need of an overhaul, but not nearly as bad as Voldemort. The sight made him grin foolishly. “Thanks. I appreciate it.”
The car answered by tooting its horn once and gunning the engine.
“I know. It’s being delivered tomorrow. I consider it a million pounds well spent. Kingsley has a brother who’s a squib. He’s a top-notch mechanic. Arthur said he can redo the enchantments as soon as we drop your engine into the chassis. Professor Flitwick said he’d be delighted to assist.”
The car flashed its one working headlight urgently at Harry and honked its horn.
“I’m not sure the machine guns will fire. They were just props. We’re working on it. We’ll find a way! The oil slick and smokescreen are no problem. To tell you the truth, I’m looking forward to the first ride in the ejector seat. You’ll still be able to fly and turn invisible just like before.”
The engine purred, reminding Harry of Crookshanks. “It’s the least we can do for you for all your help. I’m kind of knackered. Do you mind giving me a ride back to the school?”
The passenger door opened. Harry levitated Voldemort’s corpse into the boot and then climbed in.
The Ford rolled out of the forest about twenty meters away from Hagrid’s hut. All around, the Order members and Aurors were rounding up the last of the Death Eaters. Harry climbed out to the collective cheers of all assembled. He removed the body and lifted it into the air while the Angelia did doughnuts in the grass around him, blowing its horn and blaring “I fought the Law and the Law Won” from it’s dilapidated sound system.
Arthur Weasley approached, smiling at the car. “Congratulations to the both of you.”
Harry grinned. “Who knew the key to convincing the car to help us was you and Molly going to a drive in to see Goldfinger back in the 1960s?”
Arthur smiled looking at his blushing wife, whose eyes pleaded with him to shut up. He didn't. “I think the car was the only one watching the movie. If my memory serves me correctly, Bill came along nine months later.”
The crowd groaned in laughter and the Angelia’s engine sputtered and coughed.
142. Bunny by Ishtar
Finally, Tom Riddle thought, just coming within sight of the floodlit scene.
He'd been combing the rubble on both sides of the war on the continent. He was selling the various useless magical artifacts he came across and hiding the good ones away. Then he heard the rumors of an artifact that was a weapon of immense power. That it was a muggle artifact of semi-mythological fame was a fact that he could overlook if it performed as rumored.
He started trying to track it down but was always one step behind.
When he arrived at the archaeological dig where it had been unearthed, he discovered it had been shipped to Alexandria.
When he got to Alexandria, he found it had been loaded aboard a tramp freighter that had already left the harbor.
When he managed to track down the correct tramp freighter in the middle of the Mediterranean, he found that the crate he was after had been transshipped to a German submarine.
When he finally, after several hours negotiations with a local tribe of merpeople, managed to find the location of the hidden sub pen, he found he'd missed the artifact by a bare hour.
Cursing roundly, he followed the path that the party now in possession of the artifact had taken. Just after sunset, the bright glow of arc lighting led him to a hidden valley where he now stood. A robed individual, assisted by several lackeys, was preparing to offer a sacrifice of a pair of bound muggles to the artifact. Blind rage came over him. NO! That is MINE! Nobody else was going to use that artifact but ME!
"ACCIO ARK OF THE COVENANT!" screamed Riddle, just as Belloq finished removing the lid.
143. Scene submitted by Draco664. Reproduced here with only minor modifications.
Lord Voldemort looked down at Lucius Malfoy, who knelt on the hard, stone floor. "Well, Lucius? Have you managed to secure another source of funding for my cause?"
Lucius swallowed. "Yes, my Lord. I learned of a wealthy muggle businessman visiting our shores. I banished a portkey into him as he was leaving a meeting. He is waiting in your interrogation cell."
Voldemort sat back on his throne, pleased with Malfoy's success. "I trust this Muggle is sufficiently wealthy to fund all of my projects?"
"Yes, my Lord. I understand he is one of the wealthiest people on the planet. A billionaire, as a matter of fact."
Voldemort stood. "Excellent. A short stint under the Cruciatus and Imperius Curses should be sufficient to convince him that his assets should be mine."
The assembled Death eaters watched as their Lord entered the aforementioned chamber. Seconds later, inhuman screams of agony erupted from behind the door.
After several minutes, during which the screams did not abate, muffled snaps of bone could be heard. Wormtail swallowed nervously. "Um, I hope the muggle isn't damaged too much. He still needs to transfer his wealth to our Lord."
Bellatrix turned to Lucius, a bit peeved that she hadn't been permitted to take part in the festivities. "Just who is this muggle, Malfoy? I would not have believed that such a filthy creature could withstand our Master's will for so long."
Lucius pulled out a muggle newspaper, his source of information of the victim's movements. "Um, let's see. His name is here somewhere. Ah, yes, here it is. A Colonial by the name of Bruce Wayne."
144. Another bunny by Killer07
Voldemort looked around the muggle city in obvious displeasure. "Where are we, Bellatrix, and why have you brought me here?"
"In America, My Lord, a muggle city called New York. There is a massive energy source nearby, of a type that we do not know. It is not magical, nor is it muggle." She lowered her eyes, hoping she wouldn't be punished. "We thought it would be useful to you, My Lord."
Voldemort heaved a sigh, though he was inwardly pleased. "Very well. Where is it?"
She looked around for a moment before pointing. "That store, My Lord."
Voldemort nodded and entered without a word. A scrawny muggle was behind the counter looking at a tray of watches. He looked up at them suspiciously. "Can I help you?"
Voldemort just turned his head. "Bella."
The muggle's head exploded and the body fell. Voldemort thought the color of the blood was strange but paid it no mind as he started casting spells, trying to locate the energy source.
He worked quietly for only a few moments before the most amazing thing happened. The muggle stood back up, a new head rapidly growing to replace the one that Bella had just blown off. "Don't you know how much that stings? Only Kay can do that to me, and that's only because he can get me thrown off of this mud ball." The muggle then pulled out a strangely shaped weapon and pointed it at the two magicians.
145. Another bunny by Killer07
Voldemort slowly woke up. Once he could, he looked around at his surroundings, gratified to see everything undisturbed.
A slow, evil smile formed. He'd done it.
Knowing he was about to lose the war, he'd put himself into a two century hibernation in a hidden room buried in a mountain. Now nobody would expect him and he could again put his plans into motion.
A humming sound drew his attention, and he looked over just in time to see Harry Potter appear amidst a strange light show. He appeared older than the teenager that Voldemort had left behind, perhaps now in his mid thirties, and was wearing some sort of outfit that had a vaguely martial appearance to it.
Once solid, Harry looked around and fixed his eyes on the barely moving Voldemort. He smiled. "Hello, Tom. Glad to see our calculations were correct and you're just waking up."
Utterly perplexed, Voldemort could only muster the energy to silently mouth the question, "How?"
Harry understood the questions he was trying to ask, though. "It HAS been two hundred years. You got your spell right. As to how I'm here? Well, after you left, Nick helped me and my wife create another Philosopher's Stone. We've been dealing with wannabe Dark Lords ever since. Nothing personal, you understand, Tom, but we've found it much easier to deal with them before they're a real problem. On that note," he pulled a small, pistol-like weapon from his side and pointed it at the recumbent Dark Lord, "tell your Death Eaters and all the other Dark Lords 'hi' for me." He pulled the trigger.
Harry put his weapon away and tapped an emblem on his chest. "All done, here, Hermione. Bring me back, please."
146. Another bunny by Killer07
"Here, Tom, catch."
Reflexively, Voldemort caught the small object that Harry Potter had lobbed at him. Keeping a wary eye on his opponent, he looked down at the small, green object in his hand.
If he'd paid more attention to such things in his muggle-raised youth, he would have recognized the fragmentation hand grenade.
147. Scene by tverret. Reproduced here with modifications.
Harry Potter sat alone in the Gryffindor common room working on his potions essay late one spring night when a despondent Dobby appeared behind him with a crack. Harry jumped, startled by the House Elf. "Dobby!" he exclaimed, clutching at his chest.
The small creature twisted his ears and cried, "D-Dobby is sorry, Harry Potter Sir!"
Calming down, Harry said, "Don’t worry about it, Dobby; no harm done." Harry patted the smaller creature's shoulder.
At these words, Dobby started crying even more. "B-But, D-Dobby is causing great harm, H-Harry Potter." He started banging his head into the table Harry had been using.
Harry grabbed Dobby again, stopping the elf from causing greater harm to himself. "Dobby, I doubt that you could cause any harm."
"B-But Dobby did, Harry Potter Sir." Dobby reached up and grabbed Harry’s shirt, pulling the young wizard closer to his face. "Dobby is just hiding the body before coming here," the elf whispered.
"The WHAT? Dobby, what do you mean 'the body'?" Harry yelped.
Dobby began to explain what had happened.
"Dobby was cleaning the nasty dirty laundry of Harry Potter Sir's roommates - great wizards that they are to be sharing room with the greatest, Harry Potter sir. Dobby was banishing sheets from Harry Potter Sir’s bed - Dobby so loves changing Harry Potter Sir’s sheets - when Dobby was scared like Dobby has never been scared before! Dobby heard a noise under Harry Potter Sir’s Bed. It was a wizard, and he was speaking to something in his hand, a mirror or a hair brush, Dobby isn’t sure. The man was saying into his hairbrush, ‘Wormtail,’ he is saying, ’youse is better being right about this plan. The secret passages is getting me this far.’ Well, after Dobby is hearing this, Dobby be letting out a little squeak of terror - as us house elves do sometimes - and he turned from under the bed and… It was awful, Harry Potter Sir! Well, he was there, hiding under Harry Potter Sir’s bed. Dobby was seeing his eyes, just like Dobby has been hearing about in the Kitchens! Dobby was so scared that Dobby banished him instead of the sheets that Dobby was supposed to be changing. Dobby is so sorry, Harry Potter Sir!" Dobby stared hitting himself again.
"Dobby, what are you talking about? Who was under my bed? It wasn’t…"
"He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, Harry Potter Sir!"
Harry jumped up so fast that the couch that he was sitting on almost fell over. "Voldemort? Here?" he nearly shouted
Dobby fell over with fright when Harry jumped up. "Harry Potter Sir is a great and powerful wizard, to say his name!" Dobby looked up from his position on the floor in clear adoration before his face fell into distress again. "No, sir, he isn’t here any more. I banished him to the laundry, sir!"
Harry wasn't listening. "We have to tell somebody, Dobby! He’s here!"
"No, sir; he isn’t, sir. Dobby banished him to the laundry."
Harry had finally heard what Dobby was saying and looked at the excitable house elf. "We have to stop him, Dobby. Where is the laundry?"
"Does Harry Potter Sir remember that Dobby is being knowing how gillyweed makes wizards to be able to breath underwater?"
Harry nodded impatiently.
"Dobby is being knowing that because the merfolk do the washing part of the laundry in the deepest part of the lake."
". . . And you banished Voldemort to the deepest part of the lake?"
"Harry Potter Sir must not say his name!"
"That doesn’t matter right now, Dobby! What happened to him?"
"Well, Dobby is realizing that Dobby was doing something bad, sending a human to the bottom of the lake without his wand -"
"Wait, you disarmed Voldemort?"
"Oh no, Harry Potter Sir. Dobby is just forgetting to banish wand with the wizard. Bad-nasty wizard goes, wand stays"
"So Voldemort was at the bottom of the lake with no wand." Harry sat down again. "So, I assume that he drowned at the bottom of the lake then?"
"Oh no, Harry Potter Sir. Dobby is not being allowed to let anyone drown, even mean-nasty wizard like him. Dobby is rescuing him. He was very angry at Dobby, even though Dobby was promising to punish himself. Then he was even more angry when Dobby was forgetting his wand in Harry Potter Sir’s room. He demanded that Dobby dry him off."
"So what did you do, Dobby?"
"Well, Dobby was so frightened, Dobby did what any house-elf would do after something goes in washer. Dobby is sending him to the dryer."
"Dobby, what - or where - is the dryer?" Harry asked slowly.
"Dryer is dragon named Lucille in the basement. She makes clothes very dry very quickly. Mean-nasty wizard get burnt. Dobby just tried to get him dry. Lucille just got scared, like Dobby did. She burned the bad man."
Harry looked at the house-elf hopefully. "So Voldemort died from dragon burns?"
"Oh no, Harry Potter Sir. Dobby is healing He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and Dobby still is apologizing to bad, bad man. Dobby is so scared. He said that Dobby was to put him back where I got him under the bed. Bad man was most insistent about being put back, so Dobby thinks to Dobby’s self, 'Bad man is washed and dried, so Dobby will put him away, like he is asking.'"
"So how did he die, Dobby?"
"Dobby is not thinking, remember that Dobby is very, very scared. So Dobby is doing what Dobby always does when putting things away."
"What is that, Dobby?"
"Dobby is… is folding him, sir. Dobby is breaking his neck when Dobby is doing that.. Dobby is sorry, sir."
148. Another bunny by Killer07
Damn wizard flu, Harry thought savagely, sneezing for the sixth time since the duel started.
Knowing he was outclassed in his current state, Harry apparated away.
Voldemort lowered his wand from where it had been pointed at his arch nemesis. After the exertion, he was breathing deeply as he stared at the now-empty spot.
Unknowingly, it was his very breathing that would do him in.
His new, magically created body had no antibodies to help fight off diseases, and Harry Potter had left behind more than enough virus particles floating invisibly in the air.
149. Another bunny by Killer07
Enraged, Voldemort continued to tear after Harry Potter on a broom.
Ahead of him, the young Gryffindor swerved to avoid some sort of muggle strings hanging in space.
Contemptuously, Voldemort threw a Cutting Spell into them instead of changing his path. Following the laws of electro-magnetism, the surge of electricity from the cut high-voltage power lines traveled up the energized path provided by the dark lord's spell.
150. "Original Bunny by Crys" (R, tm, C, patent pending)
Voldemort dove down the link that connected him to the Potter boy. His failed attempt to make a Horcrux out of the brat all those years ago had created all sorts of side effects, one of which he was going to exploit right now.
Instead of finding himself in possession of Harry Potter's body, Voldemort was suddenly sitting on Harry's nightstand at Hogwarts, completely unable to move.
Harry looked over from the assignment he'd been working on. "Hello, Tom. I expect you're confused." He stood and picked Voldemort up before heading out of the room at a leisurely pace. Harry explained as they walked. "I knew the scar you gave me was a Horcrux so we researched them. Did you know that there is a way to transfer a Horcrux from one object to another? Anyway, we moved it to another object, knowing you'd eventually try to possess me again. You'll be interested to know that there's a Containment Spell and an Indestructibility Spell on your new home.
"'What am I?' you may ask. Well, we had quite a lot of discussion on that, actually. I thought about turning you into a shovel to leave in the owlery or maybe for Hagrid to use to muck out his pets. Ron suggested making you into a toilet seat. Hermione was thinking a book on love potions, but then we remembered what you did with your diary so that one was nixed. Anyway, all sorts of ideas were tossed around. We eventually settled on one."
Only then did Voldemort realize that Harry had walked them out to the Groundskeeper's hut. A huge dog was running toward them, tongue lolling out.
"Hey, Fang," Harry said, scratching the boarhound behind the ears. "Got something for you. Here, catch." Turning, Harry threw a yellow rubber ducky into the lake. Fang immediately bounded into the water after it.
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